Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others or any other person.
It is THEIR way or the HIGHWAY! Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others or any other person. It is actually perceived as a threat to their agenda because a Narcissist is ONLY seeking out SUPPLY and objectifies all of his/her targets/victims. They are not interested in a connection, a bond, a REAL relationship, honest conversation, friendship, love, or anything NORMAL in a back-and-forth relationship that grows – with a Narcissist it is Always and ONLY about them!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
All people in the Narcissist’s life/world have very clear roles and that is for the Narcissist to harvest supply, nothing less but definitely nothing more. Devaluation is a subtle process that starts from the very first day we start on our journey with them and throughout the entire life of the relationship. The Narcissist does NOT start this relationship believing we are the ‘love of their life,’ that would be akin to us believing that the over complimentary car salesperson loves us – no they are schmoozing us to get us to buy a new car because it profits them. It is all a mechanical process just like with the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and to profit from the relationship with us.
A narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession to use at will, AND to gain control over us, our emotions, and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
BUT many spouses, friends, family members, partners, honestly BELIEVE that given sufficient time and patience they will be the ones to ‘fix’ them. We were probably not aware there was a clinical name, and this is a disorder so instead we viewed them as being troubled. Because we loved them and they loved us for sure, it is our job and responsibility to be unconditional and bend our empathy to protect our loved one! We can’t “rescue” the narcissist and shield them from their disordered self. The Narcissist makes use of our naïve aspect to keep us there for them, just as they manipulated us to gain our love with the ‘love bombing.’ They take us as a captive prisoner through a strong emotional bonding that would weather the Narcissists exploitive acts to his/her benefit. Our real or natural, protective, and healthy mechanisms, which (again) are normal processes in normal people in love – are twisted, used, and abused by the narcissist to extract more and more narcissistic supply. There were fake apologies, but it always shifted back to the disabling blame and shame as if we were the source of the problem and needed to work on ourselves.
So, the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brainwashing us every step of the way to BELIEVE in them so they can in turn manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality, disabling us with the sole intent to control and extort us.
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own false self to support their every need. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is Narcissistic supply. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses, and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist.
They will put so much time into their agenda to trap someone new and take them down to their level, but we do break free from them and their little battle rages on with life that forces them to keep searching for another person. They do not ever look back on their life with fond memories or fulfilled dreams because they do not have a REAL life. Their own biological children become targets/victims and suffer from the fallout of their abuse and quickly become like every other person they abandon BUT use if they can gain something from a connection with them. They have no past, present or future – only the destruction, loss, and loneliness that they have inflicted upon others that RETURNS to them tenfold. There is no happiness or ‘new’ love in their life, just another target to abuse and a new game for them to play AND distancing their past so it does not catch up with them. You have the heart, soul, and mind to grow from this destructive time you spent with them. You can love again, and you have the spirit and goodness from your past life to re-educate you and bring you back again. Unlike a Narcissist that is in a constant battle with life, you are resilient because you know unconditional love that heals and have empathy to grow as rational, functioning, and normal human beings do! No/minimal contact to take your power back and move to forward to positive and healthy solutions! Greg