The most important aspect of ending a relationship with a Narcissist is WORKING ON RECOVERING from the trauma and the pathological actions from this emotional and psychological terrorist. What that means is putting ‘YOU’ first and empowering yourself with knowledge, education, reflection, introspection, and support – as well as having your voice heard and your questions being answered. It is NOT something that you “just get over,” that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there.
The most important aspect of ending a relationship with a Narcissist is WORKING ON RECOVERING from the trauma and the pathological actions from this emotional and psychological terrorist. What that means is putting ‘YOU’ first and empowering yourself with knowledge, education, reflection, introspection, and support – as well as having your voice heard and your questions being answered. It is NOT something that you “just get over,” that is why it is called a ‘recovery process’ and time is a major part of the process to get there. Never let anyone diminish your recovery by telling you to “just get over it” or “YOU need to move on!” Do NOT invalidate YOUR needs at this important time – THIS was abuse so remove any and all of those naysayers from the process completely!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
We do not JUST move on! We talk and voice our concerns because we first need to be heard, we educate ourselves about this abuse so we KNOW what we are dealing with, we reach out for sound support, we strive DAILY to move forward, WE GRIEVE, we feel pain and betrayal that we need to reconcile, we do deep introspection to purge the poison of this abuse out of our heart, mind and soul, we create STRONG boundaries to never allow this abuse into our lives again, we have to learn how to trust again so we can go back to a healthy emotional life, we disconnect from this Narcissist (heart, mind and soul) and with NO/minimal contact, AND we work on this EVERY day of our lives until we get healthy again – this is a process that requires time – not just simple words to JUST MOVE ON. Those words just add another level of abuse by invalidating, silencing, and isolating us. There is NO magical cure that will fix us immediately! TOGETHER we heal!
So, a little bit more of the reprograming aspect to start out on this journey to recovery:
Really the most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process, and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well? It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I cannot believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal within my words. If after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I do not have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just must understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Do not waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded, and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person, we were before this abuse we would have had a much clearer perspective AFTER discard, but unfortunately, we are not that person anymore. We have gained the knowledge, but we are vulnerable and damaged, so we really struggle.
We were not in denial in the beginning we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc. But here is the point we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking – our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply!
One last point! So many times, our family seems like they do not care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They do not know how deep the abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious OR even understand what it is. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to actually get it – and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience every day that we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse. It doesn’t say that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal, BUT they do know, and they would be there for you when you really needed them. Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that targets/victims purge the abuse outward. Our voice is the tool for others to hear to gain support as well as to vocalize and actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something that we can turn to that HELPS. Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails. We do eventually find validation within our personal truths.
We are very inquisitive creatures, and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL of our fault! We were not problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion, we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve.
You are an amazing person that has the ability to change and move onto a healthy recovery. It is a process that requires time. It is time to accept the reality that this was situational abuse and to take YOUR power back by discarding EVRYTHING about this Narcissist out of your world and life and that starts with no/minimal contact. The next step is gaining all the knowledge and support you can by using your voice to speak out and ask questions. Other victims and survivors will help move you through your recovery. Together we heal. Greg