Those circular conversations that are purely intentional in order to confound, confuse, exhaust and diminish us!
Those circular conversations that are purely intentional in order to confound, confuse, exhaust and diminish us! Talking, arguing, or discussing anything with a Narcissist is like being on a ‘hamster wheel’ that is in perpetual dizzying motion! You keep running and running but you NEVER leave point A and there never is a point B. You only continue to run in circles until you are completely exhausted.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
It is always a circular conversation with a Narcissist that never ends and is always filled with irrelevant and meaningless points, word salads, overgeneralizations, complete lack of logic, and basically nonsense meant to keep you in that circular chaos with no end in sight. Let’s call it a verbal competition – no matter what the subject – where they convince us that we HAVE faults or are at fault and they manage to slowly take away our voices and silence us. WHY, because they always want to diminish something about you and I through their conflicting and confusing messaging – in other words there is ALWAYS an agenda attached. They have a point and that is to control you and bring YOU down with their words, which can be physically, morally, logically, and emotionally taxing. It can EVEN be us saying we love them!
So, an example of how they do this: The Narcissist starts off with what always seems MORE like a command hidden in a question – and right away you feel confused and a little taken back by how they start this conversation out. You try to work with them, maybe even asking them to be more specific because you WANT to work it out. NO, that Narcissist is going to keep you jumping through hoops instead of getting some sort of reason or logic going because they want to take complete control of this so-called conversation by locking you up in a word salad or confusion.
That Narcissist wants a REACTION – whether it is to get you frustrated, angry, or whatever so they can take it to another level – BUT you still do not know what the jest of any of it is YET. You try harder, and even give your best attempt of resolving whatever they are trying to say – grabbing onto bits and pieces of what they originally said, BUT they raise it up to a higher level by scrutinizing YOUR good words and making them wrong now. Then they weaponize YOUR words and say that YOU are mistreating THEM. NOW it becomes an argument and competition about YOUR words. Now you are standing there with your jaw dropping to the ground because where did this conversation come from, and you still do not know what it is exactly about. You have given them options to resolve it, but now they are attacking you at every level they can and treating you in a condescending tone like YOU are a child and THEY are the parent. This is where they want you – BUT they are not done yet.
This keeps going in these circles and all that is happening now is that YOU are being admonished. They bring up things you said that were innocent and are now using them against you as if you threatened them and are argumentative! You still have no clue how this got to this point. Next, they will take it to a higher level where they will say that they have never experienced someone that acts like you, or others say or have said that YOU are difficult – pulling in their imaginary soldiers.
Lastly it is time for them to push you so close to the edge and accuse you of something or other that is supposed to make you feel horrible, like threatening you saying that YOU abused them and ARE A TOXIC ABUSER, or you physically threatened them with your stance, or what you have done is illegal! BAM – there you go they have created a toxic scenario to trap you into a chaotic situation that leaves you exhausted and confused. They have taken another piece of your existence away – and they do this bit by bit with every single one of these so-called conversations.
What was all of this about – basically projection that they are putting onto you. Then there is the blaming, shaming, denying, and diversion tactics to make THEMSELVES out to be the victim and now the hero in all of this – but really IN THEIR OWN EYES and their dysfunctional thinking in EXTREMES. This is what they need to feel that sense of power and control over us. Our concerns are never addressed, and we are never heard or validated. Over time our self-esteem is eroded and our sense of worth and individualism within the relationship begins to slip away because communication is just NOT an option with them!
They know what they are doing – and this so-called conversation was meant to go into this direction and had nothing to do with anything but the poisonous and chaotic words they used to create this scenario. This is how they manage people down and devalue the very person in front of them because more than often they realize that WE see them for who they really are! It is psycho-bullying because in essence everybody is a perceived threat to them ESPECIALLY if we question them in the smallest way. They MUST be in control of us AND make us fear them in some way. They will be back with more chaos trying to get you to engage more! Do not engage is the only solution to this. DON’T allow them to walk you into this trap. Walk in the other direction or away from them with NO response! No/minimal contact! Greg