Let us really understand the truth and internalize that there is NOTHING real about a Narcissist NOR is there ever a relationship with them!
Let us really understand the truth and internalize that there is NOTHING real about a Narcissist NOR is there ever a relationship with them! Everything they said and did was a product of the situational abuse they pulled you into. There is no shame or blame to be placed on you – you pulled through this and are an amazing survivor that survived the trauma of a disaster with a malignant Narcissist, and you will THRIVE!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist is chameleonlike and camouflages itself with intoxicating CHARM, so they basically get away with virtual psychological murder. They are good at it too. They even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. Nobody is impervious to the Narcissists CHARM because they use it in every walk of life to get EVERYTHING they want and at all costs.
This chameleon nature of the Narcissist is a façade, false self or the ‘mask that they PRESENT to the real world that FOOLS us but allows them to get by or pass as normal and even likeable in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives AND behind people’s backs. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or a past partner that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic and destructive individuals pure and simple, and THEY NEVER CHANGE. It is so very unfortunate that we fell for their façade and believed in them because the association we had with them was purely destructive to us and damaged so many levels of our lives.
The Narcissist sneakily back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others AND in ALL walks of life. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF-ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either, and in fact that always gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life. They will use BLAME everybody else as another tool to displace and divert from the truth of how disordered they are,
There is no having any type of a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply or a working component in their life. You are only there to make them look good or because you are useful to the Narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY – it is ALL about them. Their world is totally external, and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be AND as a tool to make THEIR life look shiny bright and work. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment. Pretty shrewd how they magically turn into whatever they need or want to be – but very deceptive and dangerous!
The Narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make, and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life – remember THEY make all the rules. If they want it, they will take it. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to ‘one up’ you. They are truly extortionists, and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on from all walks of life. BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual psychological murder because they have been doing this all their lives and they are just that good at it – they even use it to get people to love them, so they can violate them emotionally and psychologically. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are, AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
OK, so the point here was/is to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You do not deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You did not magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really must use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg