We need to understand the PERSONAL dynamics behind this abuse!
We need to understand the PERSONAL dynamics behind this abuse! This describes just how the Narcissist maligns or manages down all people with subtle to complex emotional and psychological manipulation and gaslighting – especially when you do not agree with them. Nobody could EVER find any common ground with them because there is never consistency or stability in any of their thoughts, actions, or words and that is because there is NOT a real functioning person there. It is always and ONLY about their agenda or what they want — so they will always create a conflict UNLESS they are charming you because again, they WANT something. They do this so they can manage us down to a level lower than the last, until they have us in a place where we feel that we cannot do anything right and are worthless.
From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist has successfully developed strong and shrewd communication skills that basically invalidate and manipulate our own perceptions about ourselves and distort all logic and reasoning rendering OUR connection and communication with them useless. All interpersonal communication becomes twisted, and an opportunity to make us feel invalidated, wrong, and basically worthless. This within itself is often overlooked (the subtle abuse) but it is as dangerous as any of their other tools in the arsenal of Narcissistic abuse!
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.
They are very unpredictable with their day-to-day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal person.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion (gaslighting) OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (again chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging, and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what is expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused, and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun, and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They must have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong, and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it is never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you do not fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it, or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts, and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
The Narcissist has used their effective manipulative and cognitive skills by putting you on the defensive and reacting (this is what they want) and using/distorting your personal conversation and thoughts against you to triangulate. Relationships are not supposed to do that. A conversation like this as it concerns support in any relationship is not a court of law where one person is the judge, jury and prison guard AND town gossip. A successful relationship requires healthy communication skills. Healthy communication skills require sane and healthy cognitive thinking from both parties. There is nothing healthy or sane about a disordered and abusive Narcissist.
In any type of relationship when communication and thoughts are not nurtured in a process to validate another person, all areas of the relationship are affected. Communication is the open door that allows two people to exchange cognitive and personal thoughts, to enable growth. We are independent beings that have purpose, and we exchange our thoughts normally by accepting our relative differences. The Narcissist manipulates in such a way to cause false interpretations of all our cognitive processes to distort reality and make them fail and become disabled. When we are manipulated in this manner it affects those important skills that we use on a daily basis. It is like we lose our motivation to be effective with simple matters in our personal life or even block our ability to concentrate and learn because we were manipulated in a manner to constantly question ourselves from someone, we BELIEVED we could trust and more than likely someone we loved. This is betrayal in the most extreme manner and describes just how sick a Narcissist is to use our love to create and administer their hate and destruction – AND WHY? Our mind is linked to so many internal processes, and when it is psychologically wounded, other areas will also be affected just like a disease that will spread unless treated – even causing physical damage. It can take its toll and cause long term problems linked to trauma.
THIS is how they control their targets. It is so important for us to have clarity that this is situational abuse and psychological/emotional terrorism so we can desensitize the toxic messages they have planted in our minds and heart. Beat them to the punch by shutting them down before they can use their manipulative ‘wordplay’ against you. No/minimal contact. Greg