Let’s break this down and put a true perspective on this relationship or connection we had with a Narcissist
Let’s break this down and put a true perspective on this relationship or connection we had with a Narcissist! This was emotional abuse that corrupted our core values and traumatized our life and well-being from a personality disordered person. It ALL started out with a huge lie and manipulation, it continued with more lies and manipulation, and it ended with even more lies and manipulation! This was all done to diminish us and to benefit THEM!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
What happened to us – it feels like our ‘normal’ has been hijacked, kidnapped, and just LOST after existing in this relationship! You cannot get over this bond or relationship and move yourself away from the hold this Narcissist that is OR was in your life has on your mind! So now YOU try to work it out in your own head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something/anything. Are you STILL searching for the answers to those many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT – there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground, so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off! But again, all of this was based on lies that you believed and now you have to stop believing and that seems to be an insurmountable task! Well, the answer to that is clarity and time now that you are away from the Narcissist and the chaos. Like a normal relationship you must sort out all of the emotions that formed that bond – or ‘fall out of love’ even though it was a distorted and desperate love.
You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just were not normal to a loving relationship or any type of relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love (or a connection depending on the type of relationship) and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong, and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be destructive and temporary because EVERYONE has an expiration date with a Narcissist! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!
Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that, or any number of different things! Also, the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it is not the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel horrible about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You have not done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the ‘good things’ that this person (the Narcissist) actually reciprocated as far as showing any REAL type of care or love – IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM.
I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? Things DID change but ask yourself ‘WHAT CHANGED?’ The answer is that you changed and lost yourself in all of this and that is not the type of change that should ever happen in ANY relationship. We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? Did anything change like you wanted it to? YES, and again what changed was you, your self-worth, your dignity, your good life that you once knew, and your whole world changed for the worse!
So, to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Do not forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So, when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will keep you in right in the abuse.
OK – now for the jibber jabber! We are social creatures that bond, live together, seek each other out AND we also follow and create a moral order of what we must do, can do, and cannot do. This social order is what defines and regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the ‘normal’ social/moral order. Narcissists know that there is a social/moral order, but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world, they will PRETEND to fit into it and be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So, like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. Narcissists do this so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are one humungous lie that is designed AND redesigned personally for each new victim. This facde of lies enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need. Basically the ‘façade’ or ‘mask’ theory that we always read about. THEY ARE A BIG LIE – but very believable because they sugar coat the lie with amazing charm to attract us into their world! The message that was always there was that we had to keep changing to meet this critter’s needs and unfortunately, we listened to this and made it our goal. It was only a diversion to control us and that is the vicious cycle we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead soul because you are dealing with a needy void and not a NORMAL person.
YOU are a good and AMAZING person, and this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just does not make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there and basically the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you should not have too! BUT unfortunately, there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to know, and you will have to educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE.
You must completely dump the poisonous messages and ALL OF THOSE LIES that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because they were just lies. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so do not ever look for a quick fix. Educate yourself with good information, understand this abuse and that your enemy is this creature and what they did to you. This had NOTHING to do with YOU, who you are, what you are, what you could have changed, or anything – it was ABUSE. Get healthy and then look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and do not let others blame you either! You are not worthless or unlovable – you are an amazing human being and never doubt this! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg