Abuse by Proxy or triangulation or divide and conquer.
Abuse by Proxy or triangulation or divide and conquer. KEEPING us in a revolving circle of chaos and abuse by PROXY as well as compartmentalizing and separating people to keep their lies and secrets personalized and away from people that KNOW the truth or find out the LIES! JUST another deceptive tool of the Narcissist’s trade.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Triangulation is just another tool the Narcissist uses to create a powerful and seductive bond over their targets (and everybody else in the target/victim’s world.) Narcissists use triangulation on a regular basis to shore up their fake image through compartmentalizing people – this keeps their lies hidden from one person to the next. They also do this to seem in ‘high-demand,’ and to keep you always obsessed with them by creating and telling you about all the amazing friends and connections they have out there BUT that is all fake. Remember they are also doing this with everyone AND putting that wedge in between people with a bit of their back-stabbing – again to compartmentalize people or again divide and conquer. They just do not do this to make you jealous with potential or new supply, they triangulate with your family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, ex partners (if they have anything to do with them,) and yes potential new supply (but they usually do that on the side, so we are none the wiser.) to start putting that wedge in-between you and everyone else in YOUR world. Whatever the situation they will triangulate, so this even happens within the Narcissist’s own family structure and with their friends, etc. They are essentially triangulating everybody to stay in charge and control of all people in their immediate world.
The Narcissist is basically grooming others WITH a deceptive agenda – DIVIDE AND CONQUER. They feel such an intense high or euphoria when they engage and play people against each other OR abuse by proxy. It becomes a competition for them to gain more adulation/adoration and to cause chaos and confusion. Narcissists will absolutely manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their connection with you, relationship, and even fidelity in a so-called love connection. They will even make you think that the people closest to you are talking behind your back especially if the Narcissist is trying to convince YOU that you have ISSUES. The Narcissist will present the allegations as a concern of course to minimalize the real agenda to put doubt and wedges in between you and the people closest to you. The reverse is also true because the Narcissist will go to the people closest to you and make them believe you have said things about them as well – AND only out of concern of course! This basically isolates you from the people closest to you and forces you to become dependent on the concerned Narcissist. Pure deception that destroys you as well as your integrity.
In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy, but a Narcissist does exactly the opposite. They are constantly throwing subtle hints out there that make you feel insecure that ‘others’ are talking about you, or they may be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never feel secure or have any sense of a real connection with them. They will always compound this and deny it, calling you jealous, possessive, or even crazy if you bring it up or even suggest such a thing. The Narcissist works everything they do into every possible vantage point to control and manage you down. Where you started off and became accustomed to such a high level of charm and flattering attention (after they first lured you in with the love bombing,) it NOW feels very personal and unnerving because they are directing that attention elsewhere and they know what they are doing.
When you are going through this it is never apparent because so much abuse is circling around all your thoughts that you never have the time to think anything through with any sense of reality or realizing the real truth that what they say is just more of their ‘crazy making!’ Triangulation is basically pitting YOU against a false situation AND people to make you feel that you just do not meet up with the Narcissist’s expectations or what they expect of you as well as making you feel worthless as compared to some of the very people that you care for in your life. It is the process of managing what you do or have done down through the Narcissist’s incredulous and fake stories to make everything and everybody seem so much better than you OR anything you do for them.
In the end we MUST internalize the truth even as hard as it is to do so. The sad reality is that this becomes clear once you are well on your way to recovery, so it is a process. If we would have understood this in the beginning, we would not have suffered through the abuse. BUT real information is necessary to move forward so you become clear and CAN recover and unfortunately most do NOT have past experiences to draw from. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! After the discard you are dealing with so many corrupt messages meant to only abuse AND control you more and more into a submissive role. The role is basically to silence you by making you out to be the ‘crazy one’ or the troublemaker so the Narcissist avoids exposure AND they have been setting up their lateral attack well before the discard. Most of the destruction that the Narcissist inflicts on us is ALWAYS done well in advance before we are aware of their real motives during the discard phase. Narcissists must come out of this victorious – but that means they have smeared us completely so they can avoid exposure – or that they are ABUSERS.
Remember this too – they will keep pulling you into the crazy making to use as more proof that you are only obsessed and crazy by turning it all around on YOU – so disconnect completely. My Narcissist kept it up for a year after I decided I was done. Begging me, pleading with me, to stay, etc., and then turning it around if it was me doing the begging and pleading. This Narcissist would ask why I was saying such horrible things and would deny EVER saying anything negative about me. What a huge joke, this Narcissist said these negative things in so many emails/text messages, and I heard it from people all around me. It was some smear campaign, BUT again it must have been me misinterpreting EVERYTHING – nope it was the truth! Even when there is absolute proof staring them in the face they will still lie and deny BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO! I had the clarity to establish ‘no contact’ and THEN and only then was I able to accept all the distorted truths that I met up with a real monster! Don’t stay connected to this monster because you will only remain a puppet to their disordered and abusive agenda until your losses will become insurmountable and leaving you frozen in the abuse. No/minimal contact to live and love again. Greg