The distorted and dysfunctional reality of what is REALLY going on with a Narcissist, and the extreme manipulation and control they exert over ALL people.
The distorted and dysfunctional reality of what is REALLY going on with a Narcissist, and the extreme manipulation and control they exert over ALL people. It is always dangerous and against our best interests to attempt to understand their darkness – so remember to heed my advice and never try to do it because there is no sense to their dark and dangerous actions except that they are self-serving and go after whatever they can get from every aspect of life. Remember, it is always about what serves them no matter what HARM they cause to another person.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
WHAT describes a Narcissist and their abusive agenda – well here we go:
Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the real truth.
A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being, but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the result from this is that you discard or dump YOUR normal and healthy reality. Narcissists always make people feel that they MUST please or basically serve them.
They shrewdly access and withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing because it gives them the ability to control and manipulate future events. A Narcissist will slowly but surely erode their target/victim’s reality, self-esteem, and spirit! Narcissists completely avoid and NEVER acknowledge the feelings of others, yet they will often bring up how their emotions (loosely using that word here) are being affected and how WE do not respect or honor their needs. They are eternal victims and NOTHING you do is worthy of meeting their needs. “We JUST don’t love them enough,” OR SO THEY TELL US!
They will slight a target/victim or perhaps make them accept personal digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the Narcissist to say they were just kidding while still being abusive and hurting the target/victim.
Narcissists will completely change the subject to divert attention back onto themselves. You could be talking to them about a serious matter and it will be dismissed in moments, so the Narcissist has all the attention right back where they feel it belongs – ON THEM. If they want to raise it up a notch, they will aggressively BULLY you with shouting, dismiss you, and walk away. You never feel that anything about you is important enough for consideration by the Narcissist and you are right! Remember it is ALL about them.
Narcissists make others feel worthless to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the miserable level of the Narcissist. They always threaten or hint of some form of punishment that they will inflict if YOU don’t do exactly what they are asking or accept what they are saying. THEN of course they will reinforce this with blame as if you did something that deserves their actions and disdain. They will even dismiss you completely and silence you to drive their point home. YOU CAN NEVER MEET ANY OF THEIR EXPECTATIONS!
They will be cold, quiet, and distant, then deny that anything is wrong, but it feels as if they ARE angry or perhaps, we have done something wrong and you are left wondering. Unfortunately, you cannot access what it is so you will have no sense of what is going on to help you feel at ease with them. On the flip side there will be inappropriate emotional outbursts to also distract attention, confusing their targets/victims and shifting blame for something you AGAIN have no real sense of. You are ALWAYS left feeling like you are walking on those infamous eggshells with them or always confused and feeling conflicted as to a cohesive reality with them! Confusion through diversion equals CONTROL!
Narcissists ALWAYS try to control others to domineer and limit freedom of expression/speech or individuality. Again, controlling the environment around them with confusion, chaos, bullying and negativity. They are ALWAYS instilling fear or retaliatory punishment for anyone that does not comply with their EVERY wish. They will also deny you ANY recognition or success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling you out or basically placing you in the category of a loser and not worthy of proper recognition. Their word is the FINAL word always! A target/victim could have accomplished something so worthy of recognition and the Narcissist will never respond with a supportive word or a congratulation, instead they will minimalize the entire accomplishment OR even find fault in it. They will put a handle on any positive situation to make you doubt your achievement of success. They continually manage people DOWN! You will always misplace or lose your reality with them.
Narcissists always forget commitments and promises purposely because there was nothing real behind their words in the first place – just more of their manipulation to keep you believing. They will even deny that they promised to do something to try to make you believe you are imagining things. They will build you up to bring you down.
Narcissists will take advantage of any vulnerability using shame, guilt, and fear to make a target feel worthless by highlighting or embellishing the simple insecurities they may have. This could even be done in a manner where the Narcissist will make fun of the target/victim’s physical attributes in a cruel overt manner.
A Narcissist’s actions, their promises, and reality in every situation are totally out of alignment. They ALWAYS say one thing and do another. For example, they preach morality BUT they have no morals and act on their impulses regularly. They may PRETEND to follow a religious doctrine and praise themselves for religious values but actually possess NONE of these values whatsoever. They ARE the very sinners that they are denouncing, preaching about, and pointing fingers at. They will condemn YOU for the very things they are doing and always leaving you with your jaw dropping to the ground wondering what they are accusing you of and why they are doing it. The Narcissist I dealt with was/is infamous for this!
Narcissists are only nice when all other options have been removed or when they feel they are trapped into a corner or up against a wall. This is usually when the truth is so evident that they have no other option available to them. There is no remorse for what they have done, they are just trying to wriggle out of being exposed for whatever they have done AND what they are. They also want to keep you trapped in the abuse so they can keep extorting what they can or achieving supply with their insincere apology and patronizing gestures.
In time they will replace you once you have caught onto their lies and agenda, BUT of course you are to BLAME for their actions! You are the disordered one and you have abused THEM, and they are “running for their lives” (a favorite and OVER used quote of my Narcissist.) That is really a distorted lie and excuse that they have moved onto a new source, but they are going to keep you locked up in confusion, lies, and abuse surrounding their departure for as long as they can. They will even actually PULL you back into the abuse making you think that there is a possibility of reconciliation. It is just a way for them to achieve more chaos to disable you as much as they can as well as implicate you as being obsessed when THEY are the ones that initiate contact to use against you. Keeping you vulnerable also keeps their abuse hidden from the world as well as keep control over you from a distance.
When they are having a conversation, be it one on one or even in a group setting, they will completely cut someone off as if they are not allowed to speak. Narcissists suppress self-expression and individuality to support their omnipotence and power over others by controlling everyone in their world. Basically, they eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves to feel superior and omnipotent! It shores up their false identity and makes them feel so worthy when it is all based on lies and distortion, BUT THEY JUST DON’T SEE IT AS THIS! They are delusional and self-affirming to support their needy needs.
Narcissists will ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses. They push everyone’s buttons. They will even go as far as humiliating people in public situations to show their superiority. They are psycho bullies. By pushing buttons and highlighting a person’s sensitivity they gain power and evoke fear in the target/victim of choice. They ACTIVATE a person’s insecurities to gain power and superiority over them.
Through their vast arsenal of tools to manipulate a Narcissist will pretend to understand a person’s concerns, but then they will blatantly break every boundary and step all over those concerns and basically violate them and you! If they CAN’T control a person, they will slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of this person. Narcissists RUIN people’s lives.
Narcissists will always attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs. They won’t believe they make mistakes, and they have no ability to feel or process or truly understand shame.
ALWAYS remember that lies and deceit are a natural part of the Narcissist’s world. The old saying, “the best liars lie to themselves first” really applies to Narcissists as well as “the lie often repeated is far more convincing” and they repeat their lies many times over! A Narcissist has the amazing ability to believe their own lies even when they fly in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. You MUST take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie. A friend of mine always said to me “if they are breathing, they are lying” and it is the truth!
LASTLY! Do not allow yourself to ride on this emotional roller coaster through hell because it is never ending with a Narcissist even for a good while after they are gone! So then heed this warning and live by it – once you are discarded, leave, or are out of the relationship the Narcissist does not need you anymore as supply so LET THEM GO. It is more than likely (pretty much a guarantee) you were emotionally and physically replaced long before the separation or discard AND they are out to destroy your integrity AND you to avoid exposure. Stay away from them because they are in their protection mode and have bombs waiting to explode in your life should you attempt to undermine them in any way.
Everything I outlined here is taken directly from my experience with the Narcissist I knew. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the manipulation, constant lies, and brainwashing, but NEVER again. I ‘believed’ and never saw the train wreck in front of me. Was I a damaged person? No not in the normal reality of the behavioral sciences as in having a mental illness or a personality disorder but I became the byproduct of the disabling abuse by being in the company of a highly dysfunctional and disordered person. I have insecurities, I have wounds, I may trust a little too much, I get angry, etc. – BUT I am a good person that respects people. I give and love unconditionally, and I know when enough is enough. I get hurt but I do not destroy and punish people because of this, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and ALLOW them the opportunity to talk and work through things. THAT is having empathy, that is creating a viable relationship with give and take, that is being unconditional and trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a person you care about. What I just described is giving of yourself and this is what bonding with another person SHOULD be – unfortunately with a Narcissist it is ALL TAKE, no give, control, and destruction! This is the IMPORTANT lesson we must take from the abuse – WE ARE THE NORMAL AND AMAZING PERSON HERE that was severely manipulated and THAT has disabled much of our core-being, psyche, heart, mind, and soul. EMPOWER yourself with the truth that this had NOTHING to do with anything about you and everything to do with a very damaged personality disordered abuser! No/minimal contact. Greg