Projection is a Narcissist’s trademark – it is their way of denying their darkness by casting it out on others. It is twofold also – because they also project a saintly positive image to hide that darkness.
Projection is a Narcissist’s trademark – it is their way of denying their darkness by casting it out on others. It is twofold also – because they also project a saintly positive image to hide that darkness. It is a hard concept to put into perspective as in totally wrapping your head around WHAT it is and WHY the Narcissist does this, but it will explain away a good portion of the many crazy and awful things that they have accused you of as well as said to you that only confused you more.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
We must understand what is behind this projection as it concerns the Narcissist and how they transfer their faulty identity through dumping their shame onto and into us as well as reflecting their image of goodness off of us for their own viewing pleasure. It seems so complex but you can and will make sense of it once you get a basic understanding of the process.
So to start, think of “projection” as the Narcissist posing in the image of your face just as if they were looking in a mirror for a reflection of themselves. They are projecting or throwing all the bad flaws, deeds and ALL of the beliefs about themselves onto and INTO you. These feelings or beliefs are the positive ones as well as the negative ones. The positive projection is linked directly to their ‘love bombing that got you trapped in their world and started you off on this dehumanizing journey. In their grand creation of their false self they try to encapsulate every AMAZING quality they can into their mask that HIDES their true damaged self that they project to everyone that makes them so CHARMING! Along the same lines they will have to dump most if not all of the reality of their damaged and perverted self onto somebody as well. When I say somebody that means other human beings because they are posing and using us like a mirror.
Think of it in your own normal and functioning world as to why you would ever lie. Well first off because you would be hiding some sort of ugly action and trying to redeem yourself so you won’t be cast off and out of your circle of friends, family and loved ones. Lying is the use of words to project a false image to correct the real or bad image! You could also lie in a good way by over complimenting or flattering someone to win them over, perhaps even exaggerate a few things here and there, but basically lying has a deceptive agenda attached to it. With the Narcissist think of it in bigger terms or EVERYTHING that constitutes their personality or life is based on lies and hideous distortions and it is pathological in nature and all consuming. You or I could never have known this when we met them nor could we have done anything to correct any of their dysfunction. This is their normal and they just utilize their talents to jump from one relationship to another and they are not looking back at any of the damage they have caused to anybody.
This is how they justify the HUGE denial of their disordered life. If they are creating these amazing qualities to hide the truth, they are obviously cognizant or aware of just how damaged they are to HAVE to hide them. They can’t hold onto that awareness of being damaged and destructive, so THIS IS WHY they are projecting an altered and amazing persona. Just part of the process to create their false world as well as dragging us into it to see their own reflection through us! This process holds them together, so the truth doesn’t make their head implode. BUT always remember there is absolutely NOTHING real about them – let me repeat this again – NOTHING IS REAL ABOUT THEM!! They absolutely know this so when that damaged child starts surfacing after they have betrayed us, cheated, lied, stole or any number of things they need to dump those feelings of inadequacy and guilt ASAP – they HAVE to patch up that mask or false image to save themselves from seeing their REAL image or reflection? So they just dump it onto and into somebody else and that would be our role in all of this. We are the mirror or big screen and they are a self-contained fortress full of fake images to adorn themselves with as well as establish and enable some sort of reality to hide all of their damaged parts!
OK so back to the basics of positive and negative projection. By projecting positive things onto the target/victim the Narcissist is using us as a mirror so their virtuousness is “reflected” back onto and into them. It enables them to bask in their glorious image and believe it is their reality so that they can walk around with their superior attitude. Making them appear as saintly, virtuous, kind, having empathy, love, and the whole nine yards or WORTHY! Yes they are seeking their own approval as being worthy because they are the furthest thing from perfect or virtuous AND defective. This is the Narcissist’s grandiose and false image they present to the world and use to get what they want and need supply. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT THEM.
Now to the negative projection. It is basically the same thing in reverse. The Narcissist projects their ugliness, perverted habits, distorted thoughts and beliefs, or the truth about just how hateful their actions and deeds are, or their whole reality onto the mirror or us (again). This time they are essentially transferring their negative reality onto us in order to make us feel and appear to be the faulty one. The reflection they get back is another version of their saintly selves as being moral and denouncing the very hateful and perverted things they act on. The Narcissist transfers ownership of their negative and faulty character flaws as belonging to us. Doing this, the narcissist is in effect using the target/victim as a dumping ground to rid THEMSELVES from blame and shame.
OK, so the point here was to understand some of the mechanics that will hopefully help you release from the blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become that real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. You really have to use them to succeed, so PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg