It is so important to truly understand WHAT this abuse is and WHAT it does to good people. The aim of the emotional abuser is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence or CONTROL through trampling down or eroding any and all normal boundaries that we all deserve and need. In an emotionally abusive relationship, you may feel isolated and disassociated – and like there is no way out or without this person you’ll have nothing OR lose everything.
It is so important to truly understand WHAT this abuse is and WHAT it does to good people. The aim of the emotional abuser is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence or CONTROL through trampling down or eroding any and all normal boundaries that we all deserve and need. In an emotionally abusive relationship, you may feel isolated and disassociated – and like there is no way out or without this person you’ll have nothing OR lose everything. PEOPLE that have not experienced this do NOT understand the total scope of this hideous attack on our lives and the destruction it causes at every level of OUR once healthy life.
From my book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Here is the truth and very facts about this abuse! It is NOT the target/victim JUST grieving loss, be it love, a career, a friend, a family member, etc. – it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the toxic and abusive Narcissist. This is NOT a one time deal wither – it has been constant attacks and emotional and psychological attacks and undermining of the victim’s complete being! The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it because of the extreme emotional manipulation and brain-washing. There may be a career lost, family rejection, admonishment from the people closest to them, or even biological children involved with a marriage. Financial ruin may be an outcome, be it a career loss or even divorce, and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, rejection, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED in! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could never even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim.
It was pathological in such an extreme manner that it is just impossible to understand how another human being could be so cruel and abhorrent to lead a basically good, caring, and loving person down a road of psychological abuse that essentially could destroy or damage them for life. This is a feeling that nobody could ever understand – there are NO ADEQUATE words to describe the feeling of what this abuse does to a sane, loving and empathic person. To understand the time that is lost, the EXTREME betrayal, and the experience of feeling worthless AND punished for no other reason than the fact that you were at the wrong place at the WRONG time and chosen by a predator to be their next victim of abuse. It is incomprehensible and takes so much self-reflection, strength, courage, love, and validation and a new journey that we must embark upon to fix ourselves now. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because many targets/victims do not even understand that they have been abused, they are convinced that they were to blame and have issues concerning their mental health because the abuse was PYSCHOLOGICAL RAPE and MEANT to make them feel insane, crazy, etc. They were intentionally led down this road by a malignant Narcissist and the ABUSE has disabled them mentally so they also believe they ARE AT FAULT and live in that confusion and fog forever and NEVER recovering fully!
We mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality where we lose faith in people as well as trust. We are merely disposable objects to them because we got in the way of THEIR self-serving agenda, and that is incomprehensible to us. It was subjugation pure and simple and we were conned into this relationship by a highly disordered individual that used our emotions to get us there – that is as low as it can get and that is what ALL abusers do to secure their target into their agenda.
Their personality disorder is so deeply ingrained into the cycles of this abuse that they are totally out of control and beyond ANY HELP WE COULD OFFER. They live a perverse lifestyle and have ridiculously bad judgment as it concerns any other human beings – they just don’t care what they do and hurting/destroying others is simply part of the process of getting everything they want. They simply don’t care who they hurt, be it there spouse, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, biological children, friend, co-worker and even their pets.
Ask yourself how many times this has happened in ANY relationship you have or had – be it a spouse, partner, friend, mother, father, sister, brother, co-worker, professional you seek out for care or help, boss, or any other person in your life. With emotional abuse it is ABUSE pure and simple – there is absolutely NO excuse for it, NOR do you deserve it, nor must you try to reconcile it EVER. We MUST embrace that word (abuse) as well as internalize the truth that we WERE abused by a very disordered, deranged, not fully functioning human being or whatever descriptive word you decide to use. But they are real and they meant to hurt us, damage us or even destroy us with a smile on their face and a dark empty soul. Taking charge of our life once again has its own reward too and that is the chance to grow in love again and you will! Now for the Narcissist there is no love and never will be any. They do not have a heart, mind or soul that is equipped to bond in any form or manner with another human being and they lack TOTAL empathy. They only know how to loathe and hate life and the people that live outside of their deranged and delusional world.
Now it is time that we have to ‘be real’ about all of this and do damage control to save ourselves, our families from this attack on our lives AND yes that is what it is. Just like being in war we must create and build a concrete bunker from this point on to protect ourselves from the enemy – or in real terms THIS ABUSE. Knowledge and education are imperative to recovering and being able to thrive — to accomplish this we must learn from our experiences and form healthy boundaries that disallow any toxic person from having access to our life. Greg