That hyper focusing about what WE did wrong! There MUST be something wrong with us, or we did something wrong because they kept warning us that WE were the source of all the problems or perhaps had issues! So, they (the Narcissist) told us – but like everything else it was just more abuse, more emotional manipulation, and more lies to manage us down to worthlessness so that we would feel this way – or the damaged person.
That hyper focusing about what WE did wrong! There MUST be something wrong with us, or we did something wrong because they kept warning us that WE were the source of all the problems or perhaps had issues! So, they (the Narcissist) told us – but like everything else it was just more abuse, more emotional manipulation, and more lies to manage us down to worthlessness so that we would feel this way – or the damaged person. That Narcissist was NEVER there for us in the first place – they were there for anything and everything they could harvest from us AND everything else was about controlling us to achieve their agenda – then our time was up!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is the tendency to hyper focus or obsess about the many negative messages from the abuser in our life. We also tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, our abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering through depression, anger, horrific emotional pain, financial loss, trauma, and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM! They don’t internalize love or bond with ANY other human being except to objectify them until they become bored with them and move on to the next! That is akin to being like one of ‘The Walking Dead’ on the many televisions shows that depict ZOMBIE themes.
If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or people outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may experience the false illusion of ‘happiness’ with another person, but in reality it is only temporary because they HAVE to seek this attention and adulation out to survive – much like they once did with us – but AGAIN this is “temporary.” Consider it like when you purchase a new car and that feeling of excitement in the beginning that wears off in a short while.
If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves solely based on what they can get from ‘others’ it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken AGAIN just like it was with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms, so everything is based on external reinforcement (supply) and the images or adulation from us that the Narcissist uses to define themselves. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, bonding, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live in reality and to grow with another person.
Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints about the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also, a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to co-exist and not serve another person’s needs or be a source of supply. Once the new love starts needing some sort of reciprocation in the relationship or for the Narcissist to validate their existence AND support their fake goals/plans, the relationship is in trouble and the devaluation will begin. A Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection, so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality. There is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship. THIS is true in every relationship they have – they thrown us out when they have gotten what they want and then move onto ANOTHER source to satisfy a particular need.
So, with all of that in mind, there is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so don’t obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person (the Narcissist) to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a ‘new love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them because we were a new shiny toy for them to play with, BUT we believed it was love.
What you see or imagine about this ‘new relationship’ is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and keep you feeling vulnerable and hurt. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact (discard) so they can prove to you and the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can, and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.
Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved, and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did. In time you will be seeing every color of the rainbow in your head like you once did.
When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are too blame, it is our problem, and always our fault, we somehow assume the blame and the shame in all of this as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn are the good one. Just ask yourself what you have really done, and I bet you will not even know beyond what the Narcissist has manipulated you into believing. Again, that is just our emotions that are invested in what we believed was love and not anything near the truth! We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their daily managing down and brain-washing. This destroys our self-worth and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves – but WHO told us this? We are under the wrong illusion to believe this was OUR FAULT – we were manipulated in a manner to make us feel that we WERE bad, wrong, crazy or anything else the Narcissist managed us down with and that defines the devaluation phase.
You felt worthy and loveable once. So, what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship. When we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us. Now you MUST empower yourself with the truth that you were manipulated, brainwashed, lied to, dehumanized, betrayed, and so many other things by a sadistic and not fully functioning human being. You also must realize that you also have the power to bring yourself out of this and become that amazing person you ALWAYS were. Let the truth guide your way and discard all of those negative messages from your Narcissist because they were all lies just like everything else! The person that did this to you was a personality disordered person that abused you – this was abuse – this was NOT your fault – again, THIS WAS ABUSE and situational! No/minimal contact! Greg