The CHARM to HARM effect with a Narcissist – lets understand what it is and WHY they do it!
The CHARM to HARM effect with a Narcissist – lets understand what it is and WHY they do it!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating to keep their victims off balance by consistently undermining and lowering their self- esteem OR devaluing and managing people down and THEN throwing a little positive lifeline to pull the victim right back in. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix these wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!
The Narcissist is a predator after prey. Targets/victims too often miss the signs of emotional/psychological abuse, even though they are always there because they are heavily charmed into believing this person is good and safe and the abuse message is hidden within. Narcissists have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance by undermining and lowering their self- esteem. Targets/victims become desensitized to these attacks and accept them as reality. The target/victim puts their all into TRYING to fix the wrongs in favor of reconciliation or returning the relationship back to the amazing love that they were conned into believing was real. It is a hideous to use love to con good people into a trusting union and then extort that trust for gain!
A Narcissist is disordered and has so many internal conflicts and delusions concerning their superiority over others that they don’t know how to address other human beings as being anything but an object or supply to serve them! However, people serve a real purpose in the Narcissist’s life so they do know how to TRAP their targets/victims with their love bombing though! Narcissists also feel they have a RIGHT to condemn and punish people when they DON’T serve them appropriately AND continually BUT the Narcissist gives NOTHING in return. Narcissists definitely do not see themselves as needing to change OR having serious issues because they do not have empathy or the internal mechanics to process anything but their needs. There is absolutely no form of logic, care, love, respect, submissiveness or kindness that will be enough to reach them at any level because they have disassociated from a ‘real self!’. They don’t experience moments where they think about the harm they are inflicting on others, nor an ounce of love that they would share with the person that gives them unconditional love. They are completely empty souls that walk around our world full of entitlement, envy, and hate. They are driven by their endless needs and take what they can from people. They pillage life and destroy rationale in the world through conflict and inflicting damage by abusing people.
They are not seeking a normal relationship with anyone, they are looking for ‘people servants.’ They do not understand or respect the individual rights of people because they do not understand or respect themselves and they honor NO boundaries. Narcissists hide from their own insecurity and weaknesses by manipulating and harming others by making them feel weak and beneath the Narcissist (a delusional form of projection or justification!) They have no control over their own DISTORTED emotions (nor desire it) so they attempt to control others with that magnanimous and charming facade to hide what they are. They are extortionists and PSYCHO bullies pure and simple, but they are shrewd enough to cover their tracks in public, but when you are on a personal level with them the mask slips off far too often especially when there are no witnesses around! While they may seem to be very CHARMING and have some positive qualities, they are purely toxic and have unrealistic expectations that nobody can meet and EVERY person WILL see this in time. Targets/victims that try to relate to the Narcissist (or love them) will never meet any of the Narcissists expectations and will end up being completely managed down by the Narcissists unstable personality and insatiable appetite for supply, as well as traumatized, disabled, and destroyed.
What I am trying to do here is to explain why the educational process is so extremely important to recovery. I am not using the word education in a manner that only describes the Narcissist or abuse and “there you have it!’ Instead I am trying to emphasize the importance of education being vital to breaking the abuse messages that play in your mind, as well as defining the manner that a Narcissist drives this abuse straight into your heart, soul, mind and world and why I call this situational abuse. We must understand what we DON’T understand to move on and up to a level of recovery. We must accept that they are what they are, move on with the truth and do some damage control and heal!
Targets/victims get so lost in the day to day managing down that they fail to see just how effective the Narcissist is at distorting their reality (the manipulation). You are never having a REAL conversation with a REAL person. This is the essence of ABUSE and how we become desensitized and our reality distorted. Everything a Narcissist says (and does) has NOTHING to do with a normal ‘back and forth’ conversation between two normal people! You (target/victim) are COMMUNICATING and believing that the Narcissist is reciprocating, but they are observing and scheming through your words and actions. They are drawing information from you in a manner to know your strengths and weaknesses and how to use those against you – sort of like a predator calculating in a manner to trap their prey. They may reply in what seems like a normal manner but they are actually interrogating you to draw out what they can and then they distort what they can so you never have a cohesive conversation with them. You will always find yourself WONDERING about something or other.
The end result is that they have you where they want you. Along with that they employ so many techniques to confuse you, or make you question what you said, or basically always feeling like you have to explain yourself. That is how they gain the upper hand! Beyond the love bombing which was just another grand scheme to manipulate you into the abuse with words and actions, the remainder of the relationship will consume you with always feeling the need to defend yourself. There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist and they are not going to allow you to have needs or be anything but what they want you to be. The KEY point here is that the love you FEEL (conned into) connects you to a Narcissist as well as blinds you to the abuse because they dangle that love in front of you and make you basically beg to have it back. That is purely behavioral modification using withholding techniques to change you to accept their disordered abuse! Remember that they are employing their disguise to con everyone around them to get what they want, but the primary 24/7 supply suffers the most from this abuse. They have other sources of supply on the side to feed their out of control lifestyle, and minions that sing their praises. How sad and destructive for the primary 24/7 target/victim to believe that what they have with a Narcissist is LOVE when it is nothing more than a place for the Narcissist to have constant supply as well as a refuge to hide the real truth of just how perverted they are.
The dynamics of a relationship with them is built solely on the premise that you are an object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately, you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them so you are blinded to the day to day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist doesn’t ever stop the abuse because they need to devalue and discard you and they manipulate you into temporary insanity. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you. This is what they are and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off of it, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victims integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced you into AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals. Try explaining your incredulous experience and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned.
Targets/victims that are abused have to understand that the abuse doesn’t have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. Again this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.
Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your Narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply – and THEY DO NOT CARE.
PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They DON’T love they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They aren’t REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They don’t connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are only an object and supply and it begins and ends there! No/minimal contact. Greg