PLEASE KNOW YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself.

PLEASE KNOW YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

That old saying “A horse can be led to water, but they can’t be made to drink it” – well in the case of this horrible manipulation from our abuser – lets change that saying a little bit and say, “A horse can be led to water, taste it, drink it and swallow it – but it CAN stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You must do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction by allowing yourself to ‘drink that tainted water!’

What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be purged out and EXTERNALIZED. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell or control. Once you have the knowledge and education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You must take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you must have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind/heart from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm!

To go further – Trauma and shock is an outcome of this abuse and the reality or need to rebuild ourselves is reasonable, but where is the reality basis for a traumatized person to build off of these suggestions when they are traumatized and can’t seem to function normally enough to take care of themselves. There is no personal experience to build off of until they understand the complete picture. What seems reasonable by just moving on, will only add up to greater confusion when the target/victim is still left confounded, angry, depressed, anxious and wanting closure where there is none. Why would a target/victim confront themselves with what was missing from their life or reality BEFORE the abuse when they are working through the here and now or the trauma to just be able to function WITH clarity and understand this whole mess. Then there are the messages that the abuse target/victim is not allowed to be ‘overly negative’ or ‘play the victim’ by blaming anyone else, SO the only person the target/victim can end up blaming or assigning responsibility to, or getting angry with is themselves.

Empowering ourselves has its place, but that is to empower ourselves FIRST with the truth and education to back it up and guide us CORRECTLY to recovery or basically one of many steps. We have to understand that our reality did come from the outside world in the form of abuse from a Narcissist – then and only then can we put together the other components that GOT us there and KEPT us there dancing with this destructive Narcissist. It will be different for every person. But WE CAN NOT force the issue and bury the abuse and trauma by just moving on. Do we want to ALWAYS blame ourselves and forever feel we were responsible because we were not powerful enough and if it happens again we are definitely the problem here? Probably we would end up believing so and that is just defeating the purpose of healing by saying we are just that weak that we always allow ourselves to be abused. No again this is debilitating psychological rape. No abuse is ever our fault so proper perspective has to be a part of the process so that it triggers the correct response when red flags are waving at us and if we should happen to fail, we will work through it with better perspective. This perspective must give us a clear understanding of the abuse we experienced so we can assimilate that into our future thoughts.

Empowerment is PART of the process of reassigning your belief system to include that abuse and even evil does exist out in the real world. A healthy mind will put this into perspective – BUT once that mind is at a place to do so AND with proper steps and education to back it up. We must purge the abuse out in a logical process that includes embracing our grief through anger and every other thought process that appears. We have to DEAL with our thoughts and not just repress them. It may seem viable but anything that is unresolved and buried within us will resurface eventually and that is why so many targets/victims get stuck in this abuse and keep returning to it day after day to find some sort of logic. If we do not get healthy through the many steps of grieving, anger, talking about it to viable listeners, seeking reality through education, finding support through other survivors, taking a mental health break, then we will fail miserably.

Lastly, it makes more sense to allow a traumatized target/victim of this abuse to make REAL associations that caused the difference to what they previously believed (belief system before abuse) to be true, and then to expand that knowledge to incorporate and include the pathological actions of psychological abuse and the emotional battering that is their reality now from the Narcissist. This seems to be more reasonable than just insisting that the target/victim just change the view of themselves. It would make more sense to allow a target/victim to develop and dispel the anger in a viable manner instead of repressing it in favor of ‘just moving on.’ Clarity is first and foremost to integrate reality POST abuse, lessons will be learned instead of forcing a new reality without the necessary homework to get there. We can’t blame the target/victim of WANTING to be a victim if they seem stuck, and urging self-imposed rules and regulations because without the proper perspective about this abuse the target/victim WILL stay stuck in the negative pattern!

The reality is that if we don’t put it into a context that includes a viable understanding (education) first, we will miss the mark or our ‘ah ha’ moment, and we won’t be successful because we will continue searching for the answers. We don’t want to be eternal victims but can end up that way. Instead we are human beings that are inquisitive by nature and need to learn with every situation good or bad. The real component and the reality is that responsibility does also belong elsewhere rather than making the victim solely accountable. Even though that Narcissist isn’t there to accept the responsibility or provide closure the experience from survivors through sharing and education will validate the abused target/victim and that is so necessary. Reliable and real education from the abuse experience does inevitably involve anger and increased negativity BUT it also raises it into a higher plane by re-directing these negative emotions out of us or they WILL resurface. These are the realistic tools that will allow targets/victims to rise again with increased strength, and not actually hamper them.

Many targets/victims are afraid to speak out about what they are going through because they are afraid they will be looked down upon and considered obsessed, angry or just plain CRAZY. Again this is just a result of feeling they must be faulty to be in the position they are in, so they try to appear as if they are doing good when it is the furthest thing from their reality. NO speak out about it and tell the truth of the days you are unable to function, or if you cried for an hour, or you are so mad, feeling isolated and depressed or whatever. You have to validate your experience and not repress it. If it goes on too long than it requires more steps with some professional help from a therapist that has experience with this type of abuse. Self-reflection and introspection are very important when we are feeling clear and healthy enough to look inward again and create boundaries. AGAIN – this is all the outcome of the abuse and being managed down and manipulated. Embracing the reality is a hard pill to swallow, but it will allow you to live again and that is essential. PLEASE – no/minimal contact to start you on your journey to recovery Greg

Posted on May 5, 2020, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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