Chaos is the ‘go to’ tool that toxic individuals use to create diversion, and confusion with their victims.
Chaos is the ‘go to’ tool that toxic individuals use to create diversion, and confusion with their victims. They are VERY skilled at their circular conversations, word salads, projection with their nonsensical attacks and blaming, as well as their backstabbing and smearing abilities. NEVER trust their words because they are only a confusing maze that you will never find your way through or out of – and it is meant to be that way!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
it is a form of ‘supply’ for them because it is power and control over individuals. Think of the many situations where you are taken from a normal day to being completely thrown off balance by one of their ‘out of the blue’ chaotic attacks. There is no rhyme or reason to their logic – just a ‘hit and run’ situation that leaves you shaking your head, shocked, silenced, withdrawing, isolated, stuck in your own head trying to reason through this, and once again diminished and managed down for no reason whatsoever. Each time you lose a little bit more of yourself because you know that any attempt to work through one of their chaotic outbursts is just futile so you only withdraw from the situation completely. The only way to end this type of chaos is to disallow it by disengaging completely.
A Narcissist is completely pathological in every single aspect of how they relate to the people and world around them. Unfortunately, their world is completely delusional, one in which they do not allow individuality because they are absolute rulers (dictators) in that world. The unfortunate fact is that a Narcissist needs people in their lives to SURVIVE but they just don’t ‘like’ or ‘relate’ to people so it is a hideous, demeaning, debasing, ANGRY, and abusive coexistence that we get TRAPPED into. They do not have ‘relationships’ by any normal means, they live among us like zombies that are after our ‘brains’ or our ability to function normally because they attack our thought processes with extreme measures like gas-lighting, brainwashing, manipulation, and betrayal – ALL extremely abusive measures.
This is especially apparent with their ‘people skills’ or lack thereof. They have no viable or normal functioning interpersonal skills with anyone, and it is all about their needs and manipulating everyone to get what they want. So, with that function being completely null/void and DEAD, it follows that they have absolutely NO ability to relate to another human being in any normal manner, especially as it concerns empathy, compassion or LOVE – THIS is where we start to see what is truly behind that mask and that is when our intuition starts yelling at us that something is very wrong! The Narcissist DECIDES what a person’s function will be as one of their targets or victims AND as it DIRECTLY relates to whatever the Narcissists needs from this new target are and what the Narcissist will morph into to achieve this conquest. This is what amounts to the extreme manipulation starting out with their love bombing and then the brain-washing, gas-lighting, lying, cheating, extorting, harm, destruction, etc., etc., OR ‘in a nutshell’ the psychological abuse they inflict onto their target/victim.
Here are some of the OTHER tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to make you feel their fear/wrath, control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.”.
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling terrorist/fear tactics.
They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable/normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting!).
This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO act so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you were – the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their abuse. It is control to keep you constantly disabled.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain CONTROL over you. Be it making fun of us, belittling us, criticizing us, name calling, screaming at us, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making us the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them (if it is a ‘love’ relationship, friendship, co-worker, family, etc., or any and all of the above) – somewhere you are LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must to do or else it is wrong and the situation will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and also making you believe you are losing it or you have many issues all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. That is tough and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use). Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY EXPECT and even DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would – AS LONG AS THEY GET THEIR WAY. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about whatever it REALLY is, instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead — or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification or any “giving” from the Narcissist and instead “taking” every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person, so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. Any interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets. Say NO to that Narcissist with NO or minimal contact and start on YOUR journey Forward!
The other day I was talking to a friend that knew my Narcissist. My friend was curious about the abuse and my best answer to my friend was that what this Narcissist had done to me is so incredulous and hideous that I just couldn’t explain it in terms that didn’t make me out to sound like I was crazy or making this up. My friend replied, I understand because your Narcissist came over to our house out of the blue putting you down and making you out to be a monster. My friend also knew better because we were good friends for many years prior to this. People just don’t drop over out of the blue to talk somebody down that they are mutually involved with, especially the person they SAY they love – or the one that REALLY DID treat them with dignity, respect and love. But a Narcissist’s world is so convoluted that this is common practice for them to back-stab good and loving people because they ENVY and hate that we have a real spirit that loves life/people so they have to triangulate or divide and conquer to spread the poison and destruction.
No Contact – shut these monsters and their vermin minions out of your life so you can live again because there is no reality living with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of intentionally hurting so many people (and family) and everybody just avoids them completely. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says “This Narcissist met their Karma,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves!