Toxic people/narcissists THRIVE on conflict, ENJOY the damage they inflict, and ENJOY how they drain the energy from the situation. They use it to manipulate and control people and they are very good at it – in fact they are EXPERTS at it.
Toxic people/narcissists THRIVE on conflict, ENJOY the damage they inflict, and ENJOY how they drain the energy from the situation. They use it to manipulate and control people and they are very good at it – in fact they are EXPERTS at it. They know how to ‘play’ people to use in every aspect of life. It is what they do and who they are – NOTHING is real about them except that they abuse all people!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
THEY ARE PURELY TOXIC! We MUST put a real spin on the perspective of this abuse. This Narcissist WANTS to disable us in this relationship, control us, objectify us, and make us feel like we are worthless, as well as fear their hateful retribution if we make them accountable for the truth. This is what the reality of this relationship with them was/is. The relationship, care, or love was our vision because we believed it was real when it wasn’t anything near it. By managing us down so completely this Narcissist gained entry into our heart, head and anything they could use or take from us – INCLUDING our integrity. These are not your common thieves these are psychological rapists and abusers that thrive on releasing from their own hatred by projecting it onto others by blaming and shaming the world for their atrocities. Now it is time to accept this so totally and put it away forever so you can actualize that this was abuse and we were only supply to this creature!
We must also be able to recognize that the relationship with a Narcissist wasn’t and will NEVER be based on ANY type of care, friendship, or love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brain-washing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection. WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us! Simply put hey are personality disordered and damaged and have created a false persona that supports their delusions and failures to lure people into their dysfunctional life. We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair this brainwashing with a very small handful of good memories that kept us believing in them. This brainwashing was a very powerful, distorted tool that kept us from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT even making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new AND WITH OURSELVES. This was abuse from a personality disordered Narcissist.
We were seriously conditioned and managed down in a manner that distorted our reality and sensibility about this relationship and tricked by a creature that knows emotional manipulation like love is an amazing and powerful tool to exploit and use to gain our trust and then control us. Give it some deep thought as it concerns your relationship. You were never really allowed to express any individuality concerning your personal needs or this amazing love you felt, so what can this be described as but a one-sided AND distorted love. You were ‘trained’ to always have to explain yourself as if you had to defend everything you did! You were attacked for things that you NEVER did and were always defending yourself. You were accused of probably having affairs, or any number of things! It wasn’t a matter of ‘what we did’ that was questionable or caused this Narcissist to have legitimate concerns or some sort of grief. No it was just a manipulative ploy from a sadistic person (Narcissist) to keep us off balance and questioning ourselves so we ended up living in confusion and silence and always trying to do better as if we weren’t good enough. It is a subtle process, but it is effective in breaking down a person’s spirit and causing great psychological damage. It could be a simple statement from the Narcissist concerning something very nice that you did for them that always had a negative or derogatory handle attached to it or an argument that came out of nowhere to destroy an otherwise great day. It is controlling in a manner to make you feel that whatever act of goodness you offered just wasn’t good enough. After years of this type of abuse your self-esteem is slowly shattered and your sole process with this Narcissist is to always make things right or fixing things. There is no right with a Narcissist, there is only manipulation to take more and more from you and then make you feel as if you deserved some sort of blame AND punishment because you are not worthy or better yet worthless. After the love bombing, this devaluation process grew and grew and the attacks become more defined and personal. Now actualize the love that you offered and committed to with this creature and see if you can find ANYTHING similar given in return.
Our individuality was in direct conflict with the Narcissist when we tried to find a real place in this relationship. We also tested THEIR reality when we would attempt to find cohesiveness in the relationship or questioned them in any form or fashion. The Narcissist’s lies would always create conflict especially as it concerned accountability. There is absolutely NOTHING that you could do or have done that was right or appreciated, so you were conditioned further and further into believing that your whole role was to serve this Narcissist and allow their many indiscretions and even their abuse OR ELSE! You were reprimanded for things and punished in a manner where this creature dangled this so called love in your face and always threatened to take it away if you didn’t conform to their needs. Your role turned into being the problem solver and giving and giving until there was nothing left to give and STILL trying to fix the relationship because there was always SOMETHING wrong!
Now ask yourself what was actually wrong with YOU (besides what you were told by them) and then seriously ask yourself exactly what you were being blamed for ( for the things they were actually doing). How could you go from being the perfect friend, family member or loving partner to this defective and mentally ill person that was jealous, creating problems, a liar and so many other things that you were described as? Then put a perspective on the years of enduring this managing down, deception, manipulation, and constant punishing and what it has done to your psyche.
Think about the role that you had to assume to maintain this TOXIC relationship as well as your sanity and just how you got there. Well this is the abuse from a Narcissist, but that doesn’t really explain everything or anything because along with abuse comes the psychological damage that was imposed upon the target/victim that fell into this trap. It is a creature seducing you into their distorted world of abuse to use you up. It is a dual recovery because you have to grieve the emotional connection to this nothingness as well as recover from the years of psychological abuse that has implanted so many negative messages into your mind and heart. You did nothing but be yourself and that is what was in contention with this Narcissist because they are so addicted to their supply and you were their main supply or 24/7 babysitter, but they had their little playmates on the side as well. The Narcissist feels that it is an amazing honor to be there to service them and their every need.
Please understand this completely. Any type of a relationship with a Narcissist is totally superficial at every level and all people are just objects to them and for as long as we do what we are supposed to do for the Narcissist. Narcissists are not fully functioning human beings and they are very destructive to people. People only have an intrinsic value to a Narcissist for as long as they need us. We are just a convenience in their life and make them look good and real to the outside world. We are an object to them that serves a purpose and that is it! No/minimal contact to end the chaos, destruction, and ABUSE. Greg