Was it real? Was it love? Was it connection? Was it ANY type of relationship? Was it a Narcissist? So many questions!
Was it real? Was it love? Was it connection? Was it ANY type of relationship? Was it a Narcissist? So many questions!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Those can be very tough questions to answer while you are directly in any type of relationship with a Narcissist. What I CAN say is that I was tricked by the best of the best as far as Narcissist’s go so my answer(s) came AFTER the fact. So, to start, most people assume that there are some normal common ground rules when we are connecting to one another in whatever capacity of relationship we are in or basically just part of the human connection in this space we share on earth. However, it is VERY important to know the LACK of any real emotional and moral depth (empathy) as it concerns a Narcissist (usually something we are not taught in school). IT is also imperative to understand that they are a predator that is adept at disguising themselves and charming (brainwashing) their prey into believing they have these normal qualities so that they can pull them into what can only be described as an abusive agenda. Unfortunately, the lesson is served and learned AFTER the fact. So now it is even more important to internalize these words and to move FORWARD by accepting the real truth that you already know from being in this relationship. It will also save you many steps in your recovery if you work from the truth instead of going backwards and searching for some sort of glimmer of hope to rekindle some sort of empty connection with them because that is all it amounts to. If you have to write it all out with the pros and cons then please do it so you have that truth written down and right in front of you. They don’t change, they don’t EVER apologize for their reality, they just don’t have the capacity to change nor do they want to. There are no other answers that you need beside the truth of YOUR personal situation.
The most important aspect NOW is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist and we were abused so that we get our ‘ah ha’ moment to move forward by putting energy into healing ourselves. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong (or more like what we were conditioned into believing we did wrong). This only adds our own personal layers to this abuse and that is just as damaging to us as if that Narcissist was right there in front of us blaming us again. What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a personal commitment of OUR energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and may fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma and that surfaces as physical ailments – so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.
It is a rocky road to recovery and that is a given because this was emotional abuse. We stumble because it is an unfamiliar process to us and there are still things out there that we discover on our road forward. That Narcissist has been out there destroying your integrity with that SMEAR CAMPAIGN and well before the relationship ended. They have slandered you in every possible way just through knowing personal aspects of your life and using that familiarity to fuel their smear campaign by making it negative and sourcing out people to pit against you. Again, for now you have to put all of that on the back burner to get out of the immediate fog. Believe me that the people that listen to a Narcissist’s BS are not worth your time. Anybody that buys the Narcissists lies and gossip without allowing you to be present to tell the truth and defend yourself are just as disordered and toxic as the Narcissist. In the end, I didn’t lose the people I loved that were real and important in my life. What I can say from my experience is that I had to prioritize and my well-being had to come first to get to a healthy place before I took on more of the ambient chaos, crazy making and abuse. Again, still part of the process from this abuse – but understanding it at least allows CLARITY and starts us out and into a good direction.
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse OR how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! But more importantly what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just had to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAD to be enough to get OUT of the cycle of this sadistic emotional and psychological abuse – I HAD TO SET MYSELF FREE! Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
What about ALL of those memories and the time you spent together, the plans, goals, dreams, holidays and fun. Well let’s put a little spin on that. How much fun, love, bonding, etc., comprised the relationship from day one to the final discard. Perhaps 1/1000th of it and even that was probably lies and manipulation too. Personally, I didn’t have fun past the first year. I was a full-time baby sitter and servant to a mean and spoiled child. I spent more of my time dealing with justifications and bending over backwards to try to fix what was unfixable. I felt like I was always in the corner sitting on a stool getting my verbal beatings and told how awful I was because this so-called relationship was purely a desperate love. This type of relationship is disabling and crushes a person’s soul!
I had those same questions too like wondering if I was crazy, insane, or ‘off my rocker?’ Probably so but not by choice. The effects of the slow abuse took me there day by day. I became disabled because I was meant to be taken there by this destructive and abusive person. That is victimization – and even as much as I hate that word it is the REAL definition and I had to understand it or stay frozen in denial. It helped me understand the process and then the rest of it was up to me as far as my personal responsibility, new boundaries, and moving forward. I have found those wounded parts of me that helped me understand my part and I worked through them. I separated the facts with the TRUTH and I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS ABUSE, nor am I am crazy, or felt that this is all I deserved, or anything like that! Clarity is what gave me the opportunity to put this into perspective. No contact gave me the opportunity to stop the chaos and find my footing again.
There are drugs that paralyze the mind that predators use on their victims, and then there is manipulation that brainwashes a person’s mind. One is quick (the drug) and the other (manipulation) is a slow and insidious process administered over time, but both methods essentially do the same thing to the target/victim and that is altering their state of consciousness with a destructive agenda that is meant to control and dehumanize the target/victim by debilitating their normal thought processes. So, we don’t (and didn’t) react as a healthy person would. Yes, this was betrayal and a huge con job that was psychological terrorism or psychological rape. Both designate the same meaning that this was mediated by a highly dysfunctional person with an agenda to extort through disabling a person’s mind. Yes, I defined this using a different angle, but it does put the definition of this abuse in a shocking but realistic portrayal. I guess I am saying this to help targets/victims get a stronger sense of this abuse to help lead them to their ‘ah ha’ moment. This is dehumanization and subjugation of a human being and WRONG no matter what. It is a disaster as far as it concerns us personally and we have to come out of this as a whole person again and this must be our goal.
The Narcissist does not even REMOTELY consider the person who is their supply as a person at all. They compartmentalize all of their sources and create different worlds for each person to get constant and REVOLVING supply. We naturally minimize the truth by believing we are the only person in a relationship with them because we NEVER really see the whole picture and the Narcissist makes it so by controlling us to keep believing. Furthermore, a Narcissist does not allow individuality in a person because they objectify us and categorize us by what we can provide for them or how they can benefit from us – we all have our separate roles to support them! They are a parasite and you are the host and they will suck every ounce of life out of you that they can and THAT is why you have to get them out of your life completely.
Anyone – be it a male or female that expresses and type of awe, wonderment, gratitude or praise for the Narcissist’s accomplishments and performance, OR their looks, skills, talent or anything else is readily accepted and pulled into their world. Anyone that expresses complete and unending gratitude for anything/everything the Narcissist has ever done for them, said to them, or told them is also readily accepted and pulled into their world. Also, anyone who expresses sympathy and agreement with the Narcissist’s self-perception that he/she is God’s gift to an undeserving world. Anyone who shows complete adoration and compliments/supports the Narcissist for their amazing mind, body, special spiritual connections, job, car, home, clothing, style, and wisdom, etc. Anyone willing to give up their time, MONEY, attention, or life in order to meet all the Narcissist’s needs. Anyone who will acknowledge that the Narcissist is completely entitled, special and above people so much so that they (Narcissist) should not be subject to normal rules, regulations, or laws. Anyone willing to join the Narcissist’s team, and show righteous indignation for his/her suffering, which is FAR greater than most and always undeserved no matter what! Anyone that will join the Narcissist’s battle to destroy people they have intentionally harmed as well as support their destructive agenda. Anyone who shows complete agreement that the Narcissist is so special, misunderstood by the entire world, and under-appreciated. Anyone that is willing to overlook the occasional, or repeated violations and exploitation of them for any reason becomes special and ARE ACCEPTED AND PULLED INTO THE NARCISSIST’S WORLD and becomes SUPPLY! None of us are better than the next source or previous source, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT FORMS OF SUPPLY period. Everybody is a puppet that the Narcissist manipulates to create their false world. Look behind the Narcissist and you will see many puppets they have used/destroyed and then thrown into the garbage after they have served their purpose! The Narcissist even sources out their minions to support that the Narcissist is innocent in ANY wrong doing so they can bury you alive with more lies! NOW ask yourself what part of any of this would you want to participate in.
One thing that is very important to understand and that is to differentiate between what you believe is love and the reality of the Narcissist’s TRUE agenda. Narcissists will cling to you as their main source of supply as long as you are serving them and giving your all! But the second they find someone with more supply than you, they are gone and they have damaged you, your integrity, and your life and extorted most everything that they could get away with. They will leave you in a heartbeat and never look back as well as blame you as being the problem. They will leave their biological children behind as well so they can move on to their next source and a new family and community to support them. These creatures JUST DON’T care because everyone is just an object. Unfortunately, you also loved them and believed in them and somehow thought that if you gave everything you could things would change or perhaps the Narcissist would change! No, they were reaping the benefits of their agenda and game plan and sucking your life dry. THIS is the extent of the relationship with them – that huge image of LOVE that you have spent many years developing with them, pursuing, tendering, holding onto, etc., is what they used to COMPLETELY support their agenda to make sure they were able to tap you as another source for of SUPPLY. The Narcissist’s manipulation tactics were seamless enough to fool you so COMPLETELY! This is the whole truth in a nutshell that you have to accept as reality even after all the time you put into them. It is not easy to accept this truth but we must if we want to break that emotional bond that they tricked us into believing was real. You have to stop believing anything about them or they will keep coming back for more because this is what they do, BUT THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE OR STOP ABUSING AND EXTORTING! No/minimal contact to start on your journey to recovery. Greg