Devaluation and the BIG discard – what is next? What do we do? How do we figure this out? How do we get closure? Where do we start? WHAT DO WE DO? A little insight into starting AND understanding our journey to recovery.

Devaluation and the BIG discard – what is next? What do we do? How do we figure this out? How do we get closure? Where do we start? WHAT DO WE DO? A little insight into starting AND understanding our journey to recovery.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

When you start out on the journey to recovery you are faced with some very difficult objectives and that is picking up all the pieces of your shattered life and trying to put them all back together again – NONE OF WHICH YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE TO DRAW ON. It would be akin to trying to put your house together after a hurricane totally destroyed it. Everything that WAS your life and memories are now shattered and strewn over a 100 mile radius. You try to sift through the rubble and damage to save what you can but it is almost impossible to dig into AND through all the piles of debris to find anything familiar or savable. Your whole world is so distorted from the damage that this hurricane caused and you can only see the resulting damage from this disaster and now you have to put this all back together to achieve a cohesive normal ‘YOU’ again and basically do it all by yourself! You basically feel fearful from all of the uncertainty that lies before you and that is the trauma from what happened.

Narcissists can be your mother/father, brother/sister, wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, the mother/father of your biological children, a friend, or boss, and more than likely you have spent MANY years with them as well. You may be financially or legally connected to them. You need so much time and an education to process this. You start crawling your way out of this and then you realize that this Narcissist has BRANDED YOU as the abuser, defective, mentally ill, as well as destroyed your integrity by using familiarity against you. They are out there SMEARING your good name to everyone that is important to you. You are really starting to see this monster behind the mask and you LOVED this creature? This is more like psychological rape and you are left there alone to pull yourself together and find some sort of help, but where do you start and what fires do you put out first. It is no longer a matter of the denial, it is reality and you have to face this and try to function in your day to day world as if you are the healthy individual you once were. You end up stumbling and picking yourself up over and over again! It seems like there is no end to this and then anxiety and depression set in.

You start the process of recovery in disbelief, fear, and shock! The shock in essence numbs you temporarily from going completely insane by giving you the ability to separate yourself from the totality of this disaster or some breathing room – it is nature’s sedative. Once the dust settles though you start to see the whole picture standing before you and now reality sets in. As you are setting out on this journey your emotions are going to be overwhelming as you try to understand all of this and they get in the way and confuse you. You are trying to sort through pure chaos and you are going to respond to it with tremendous ambivalence, anger, hatred, vengefulness, and MANY other negative feelings. Along with this you will be doing some deep soul searching trying to put perspective on so many opposing thoughts that don’t correlate with the love you believed in AND it creates a huge void and a great sense of being so lost and alone in all of this.

You realize that you don’t have the ability to create real closure. You are not able to let go with love but instead you HAVE to let go with an ‘understanding’ that the person you loved is severely damaged and dangerous and you have to somehow accept and live with this. Your belief system is completely shattered. You hear your Narcissist boasting about having sex with a new person, or perhaps married, or they gone on with their life so quickly, and they are BRAGGING about it to intentionally hurt you and now that feels like a NEW stab to your heart. You start to get nostalgic for what could have been and you only lose touch with the reality that they are disordered and you start questioning yourself AGAIN. You wonder what it is that YOU did wrong. It is a vicious back and forth cycle that only leaves you so confused and frozen in time. All of these thoughts and more become a part of detaching from this monster BUT unfortunately the coefficient that you loved them is in the mix as well and you are vulnerable and broken! The Narcissist is woven into your memories and your life in very conflicting ways and it is just too confounding!

You would have to take a course in psychology that deals with personality disorders to completely internalize that they are a Narcissist and disordered to understand the rationale behind this abuse. You probably have never even heard of A Narcissist or associated them with psychological abuse AND that you were with one. On the other hand you still have many mixed messages from this Narcissist saying that YOU are the disordered one here and to blame for everything, so you ARE questioning your own mental capacity trying to establish where the real problem lies. IS IT YOU OR IS IT YOUR EX? It is like being on a roller coaster ride through hell and you have to figure all of this out on your own. You have to somehow put this all together in a short period of time going from loving this person to now accepting that they ARE the predator and you were prey. It is just an insurmountable feat to pull this together in your mind especially when you are so vulnerable and worn down by what you start to realize that you were a target/victim of emotional and psychological abuse.

You will return to the past to recall, remember and review many details. This is not you obsessing but instead a viable part of the process that is very necessary for recovery and healing AND looking for clarity and answers. This is all new material and you are starting from square one to internalize what this abuse is and connecting it to what you thought existed but did not exist (the love, relationship, memories, dreams, goals, etc.) So you must actualize what really existed and replace those emotional connections with the stark reality of the truth. NEXT, you must emotionally detach yourself from the disordered Narcissist that you loved and grasp the reality of this massive deception that eroded your being and world. It is hard to separate from the emotions and accept the reality of the situation, BUT you have to tell yourself that you loved a monster. You didn’t know they were a monster, because they are predators that manipulate their prey into the abuse. BUT every time you start remembering the love you believed in, you must now turn those thoughts around and say that you were psychologically raped by a monster and predator. You can’t be kind with your thoughts and give them the benefit of the doubt because there are NO doubts that Narcissists are destructive abusers to everyone. ANY benefit of the doubt that you allow the Narcissist only keeps you connected to the abuse and not allow the closure you so desperately need to move forward! You were a target/victim of ABUSE!

You must constantly tell yourself and reinforce that this was not a normal or real person that COULD love you. You have to accept that it was a huge lie and most importantly that it had nothing to do with you because the Narcissist managed you down to believe that you are to blame and the disordered one! You HAVE to accept that it did happen to you and there is no rhyme nor reason to it because Narcissists are character disordered and in a class of their own. They are dangerous to human beings and destructive and you are so FORTUNATE to be FREE of them. You are a testament to this very fact because you have experienced their psychological abuse and have been severely damaged by a relationship with them. You have to completely switch off from thoughts that pull you into believing they will change or you can fix them – YOU CAN’T!

Now you have to actualize that there is so much goodness in you and seriously that is what this Narcissist wanted to own and destroy and that is why they targeted you. You ARE a good person and probably an AMAZING person so don’t ever lose touch with this because the Narcissist told you differently. They are disordered and negative and they live with this premise to make everyone else around them unstable by managing them down. THIS is what psychopaths do to their targets, manage them down to nothingness to control them.

You have to create a discipline to stop looking at the ‘what ifs’ or ‘could I have done this or that’ or that somehow you caused this abhorrent treatment. You have to stop yourself from trying to obtain information about what they are doing through social media, OR trying to make any type of contact with them. You seriously have to just stop thinking about them as being anything real to you and concentrate on YOU. Tell yourself that this is DONE! Yes there are situations that you must stay in contact with them, but again you must separate the emotions and break the chain that binds you to their psychopathy and keep it to the business at hand. Ask yourself what it is you would want back (as in fixing the relationship?) Do you want to go back into the abuse to experience more dehumanization, lies, betrayal and extortion? No of course not! Lock into this message and put your happiness first! LASTLY – and most importantly NO/minimal contact to start you out on your journey to recovery. Greg

Posted on December 11, 2019, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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