MIND GAMES: That CONSTANT circle of chaos and confusion that kept us controlled and lost under so many levels of disparity WISHING we could return to what we BELIEVED was a real relationship with them.
That CONSTANT circle of chaos and confusion that kept us controlled and lost under so many levels of disparity WISHING we could return to what we BELIEVED was a real relationship with them. IT NEVER WAS A RELATIONSHIP because this is/was their agenda to control us and imprison us with their circular mix of ‘charm to harm’ or the manipulation, gaslighting, lies, betrayal, etc. — or ‘the why’ we have a hard time with clarity to move forward. We MUST break out of this confusion by totally discarding it. We will NEVER find any truth there – only level upon level of chaos meant to trap us and keep us there while they extracted the supply they desperately needed from us until they found another full-time source.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Most every conversation you have with them seems to leave you confused and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are just left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.
Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!
So what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??
BAM, this is exactly the place a narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused!
This confusion will blind you to many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm you AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?
You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five year old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five year old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.
Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be re-hashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to reengage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms and that basically involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist the exact same issues will come up over and over again!
Your mind is always trying to process this duality that exists – you care OR love them and believe in them, but on the other hand you don’t like what they do to you and you find yourself buried under all of this . How can the person you have come to love and vice versa changed so drastically. They haven’t changed, you are only seeing the truth about who and what they are. You just don’t completely get it. What exists is cognitive dissonance. In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time, or is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values. The theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how we strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals tend to become psychologically uncomfortable and they are motivated to attempt to reduce this dissonance, as well as actively avoiding the situations and information which are likely to increase it. The struggle exists within loving this monster and trying to avoid the unavoidable and consistent managing down (or the dissonance.)
Again all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow what they feel are blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as reality of who you are. You are not any of this!
If you were able to pull yourself out of the confusion when they are doing this you would clearly see that their reactions are so delusional and a huge defense mechanism to hide the very truth from themselves and everybody else. My Narcissist had a 3 month or longer affair AND one of MANY! This Narcissist not only lied about it to me but to the other person creating two totally different stories for both of us and neither of us were none the wiser! After the fact both of us were also blamed in different and delusional ways. I was accused of NOT treating the poor Narcissist in the manner that they DESERVED to be treated AND I was the one having affairs (and I wasn’t) so this Narcissist had to right this wrong by HAVING an affair because the Narcissist was so distraught? Well that is distorted in itself! The other person involved was tricked into believing my Narcissist was single and again abused by ME. It is common for a Narcissist to say WE abused them. This is how they pull targets in with sympathy to believe their lies so they can escape ANY accountability!
We live with so much disappointment that what we feel is only relief when they do something decent even as small as it is, and this is what they have conditioned us into accepting. There is no decency in their actions, everything is done in a manner to serve an agenda where they are ALWAYS on the receiving end. A narcissist conditions you to become grateful for their presence in your life and they do NOT reciprocate or appreciate you as a person, you are a servant to them or supply and they have many servants! You pay dearly for every small gesture with your life. Once they have depleted everything they can, they are done with you and will throw you away like you are garbage. You ARE basically garbage to them and they will constantly treat you that way after the discard. They will make sure that your integrity is also redefined and thrown into the garbage heap when they smear you in the end! These are delusional and destructive creatures and we must internalize this and get completely away from them and NEVER try to relate to their world! They will just create a new world for themselves and ABUSE again. In this new world their past doesn’t have the opportunity to catch up with the present BUT it (their destructive past) is there looking over their shoulder and one day it WILL catch up to the Narcissist! No/minimum contact to end the madness and the abuse Greg