Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
Narcissists are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim. They weaponize communication with every single transaction they have with us – using familiarity, our likes and dislikes, our secrets, our fears, and anything else they can!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
Narcissists use a vast arsenal of tools to debase, dehumanize and eventually destroy a person’s self-esteem, and overall spirit – this is psychological abuse pure and simple and they are ABUSERS. We have all heard this many times over, and it is a fact that these words are 100% true – BUT beyond this truth is the reality that there are many targets/victims that have to deal with the destruction caused by a malignant Narcissist. These targets/victims are not just wives, husbands, partners, but also biological children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and any other human being in every walk of life!
Narcissists CHARM people into their world and then reduce their spirits to worthlessness AND feeling so vulnerable and THAT is when they start with the psychological terrorism so that they can control their minds and basically use them or harvest them as a source of supply. A Narcissist will employ cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and shrewd manipulative linguistic or language patterns to CONTROL people around them and force them to question their own sanity and reality AND in turn become dependent on the Narcissist for their reality. Narcissists will also smear their target/victim’s good nature/name behind their back destroying their integrity to others (friends, family, co-workers) so that THEY will also start questioning the sanity of the target/victim. It is like a game of “power and control” through the use of these various methods so that the Narcissist’s is always in charge of their immediate environment and controlling every aspect of it with lies, false appearances, triangulation, coning people, isolating their victims, etc. Narcissists have everybody around them fooled by their charm that hides their true pathological nature and that is what makes them dangerous because behind that mask of sanity is their deceptive agenda that will drain a victim of their worth, erase their personality, and then the Narcissist will just move onto another victim or victims!
When communicating, discussing, debating, or arguing with a Narcissist, a target/victim usually finds themselves at a COMPLETE dead-end. The target/victim’s logic always becomes incompatible or discombobulated with that of the Narcissist and the victim always get purposely outwitted and then steered in the opposite direction from the original topic, especially if it is around questioning them (the Narcissist) or accountability as it concerns the Narcissist. Basically, communicating with them is like walking through a “House of Mirrors” at a carnival. Every thought you express is distorted in so many different ways that you don’t even recognize the original thought and it causes complete confusion– just like your image in the many mirrors that are created to distort your image and make you lose track of your original starting point and destination.
THIS is my favorite analogy of how Narcissists negate most everything just to manage us down a little bit more and then even more! If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue because he/she wants to manage you down. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have about your “wild allegations” of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the “blue sky” as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your “blue sky” story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some “free time” after the chaotic and wild “blue sky” story that has left you in shock, silenced and isolated. After a day or so they come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is now blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all AND PERHAPS YOU OVERREACTED! You MAY even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for it as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these “crazy and chaotic” diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them so they can get away with everything and anything? I say it is all diversions!
The Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at that very moment because THIS IS HOW THEY FUNCTION. This agenda is many things, but basically to secure supply, from us and from whoever else is willing to give them supply – it supports their false mask/persona. It took me a while to understand just how this worked, as well as how my Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle. Everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them – AGAIN just more diversion. Remember everything is OUR fault even the very horrendous things they do to us!
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all their imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the “cause” that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT.
How does a simple question concerning accountability turn into a target/victim being told they are mentally ill, obsessed, confused, lying, jealous, etc.? Because we uncovered the truth about something or other and that exposes the Narcissist as the disordered and pathological creature they are and they HAVE to protect just how disordered their life is. It seriously wounds them when they are exposed even in the SLIGHTEST manner and they will RAGE or lash out to defend themselves as well as continually manipulate us AWAY from the truth about them. They can NEVER see that real and horrible image of themselves reflected from any of us – that is why they create their amazing facades so the only reflection they see is the one they create that is all lies. It would cause them great damage both personally as well as describe them as the deviant of society they are. Again, do they know this? They must because they go through great pain (usually our pain) to cover up the truth and turn the blame back onto us as if we are the abusers to keep up that façade. In the end when we KNOW the real truth they do a preemptive and silent attack with their smear campaign to completely destroy our integrity so no one will believe us when we start to tell the truth about this pathological critter.
Beneath that thin mask the Narcissist wears is the reality of their pathological self PLUS their WHOLE past of victims/targets they have abused and a raging temper that is like a volcano that can erupt at any given moment. YES, they are aware of their actions because they use lie after lie to cover up their abuse – but they just do not have the mechanics to care. Like a child that stole a piece of candy and lies about it to avoid being punished – so does the Narcissist at a monumental level. Remember their past is always following them and should they ever stop for a moment it will catch up with them and completely consume them because they are abusers that have damaged many people’s lives – even their own family. When the going gets tough the Narcissist gets going – so they are off and running to new supply ALWAYS surrounding themselves with a protective circle of new targets/victims, NEW LIES, as well as a new and WONDEROUS life to shore up their disordered facade AGAIN – and this equation ALWAYS includes the demise/destruction of the previous source of supply and the “believers” that support the delusional Narcissist! Thus, the cycle of abuse – they are emotionally and psychologically abusive vagabonds always looking for the next target/victim.
A Narcissist will also create vivid situations where they start a conversation off with an agenda in mind – one to create a smokescreen or diversion of some sort. They confuse the target/victim with chaos to perhaps divert a situation into an argument to be able to sneak out and secure some supply they acquired on the side, or just to debase a target/victim and keep them walking on eggshells or to cause constant anxiety to keep us CONDITIONED and a slave to their pathology. This is like being a POW or prisoner of war to the Narcissist – torture and all! This is what they do because what lives inside of them is such a disordered personality that if we were to even have a small glimpse of what they really are I believe we would be shocked even more by the reality of ALL THE TRUTH. I learned this about my Narcissist through talking to their friends and family and I never imagined that there was even more than what I experienced but there was/is, and the truth was beyond a capacity for me to understand. We see the tip of the iceberg and what is hidden beneath the water is monumental in size and so destructive to many people, especially IF THE TRUTH WOULD GET OUT!
Lies and deception are a coward’s tool in re-writing reality, but the Narcissist also does this with an agenda in mind and that is to secure a steady base of SUPPLY! They feed off of our lives, pretend to be something to us when they are NOTHING, steal from us, backstab us to create chaos ALL AROUND our lives, live a perverse lifestyle while they are pretending to be someone special in our lives, then blame and shame us into believing we are the PROBLEM and even take it to the point of convincing us we are mentally ill or insane on top of it all, and finally they smear our good name and integrity! BUT here is the truth – you are an amazing person, you have all of your mental facilities, you can love, you have great empathy, and you are STRONG because you survived this and are here today. You will recover from this and be free from this abuser. It all starts now with education, knowledge and support. You will align with all of this and the truth of your situation and purge all of the abuse out of your life. It is a process that requires time but it is worth it because you will get your good life back and freedom. It all starts with no/minimal contact to get the clarity you need! Greg