NOT a soulmate – but a SOULESS-mate.
NOT a soulmate – but a SOULESS-mate.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist’s reign of terror and destruction begins with small negative comments about the victim. The Narcissist will begin to mentally disassemble the victim’s self-esteem and beliefs about themselves and the relationship. What was once considered the perfect relationship now becomes a relationship that is unnerving, controlling, debasing, dehumanizing, gut wrenching, unstable and full of blame and shame. The victim is constantly kept emotionally and psychologically off balance by the insidious behaviors of their narcissistic partner.
Here are some examples of their day to day behavior where they control and diminish their target: The Narcissist will make plans with the victim and cancel at the last minute. The Narcissist will talk only of themselves and THEIR needs and desires. If the victim dares to express a personal need, the Narcissist will instantaneously strike, like a venomous snake to harshly remind the victim that the Narcissist needs are more important. The narcissist will talk of making plans with the victim for their future and then the next day speaks of the future only in terms of the Narcissist’s future. The Narcissist will conveniently forget to pay back money he/she has borrowed from the victim as well as conveniently undermining many daily activities to make the victim seem and even feel unstable. The Narcissist is disassembling the victim’s self-esteem, spirit, psyche and ENTIRE life little by little to gain complete control and drain the target/victim completely of every resource they can. This is considered brain-washing and even terrorizing a victim into submission through these destructive CONTROL tactics. Remember this Narcissist is also pursuing supply on the side that the target/victim will soon come to realize so the betrayal is a HUGE issue as well.
To take it further – I want to share a two part list that describes the typical pattern (clinical) that the Narcissist uses to control their partner as well as how they bump it up to a higher level by debasing their partner with my personal examples and experiences:
•Consistently blaming and criticizing me for everything and anything – my cooking wasn’t that great (I am a chef), or my gifts had strings attached.
•Constantly trying to make me feel inferior by manipulating every situation and turning everything around to make me feel wrong for just thinking and stating normal everyday thoughts or feelings.
•Idealizing me, and then pushing me away constantly.
•Making me accept or go along with the Narcissist’s delusional fantasies or accepting all of the delusional lies as fact or the truth or else.
•Projecting their unwanted parts onto me like I was the sexual addict, or had a terrible temper or pathological liar.
•Trying to make me accept their negative emotions by constantly forcing them down my throat.
•Raging at me at the drop of a dime.
•Assassinating my character that included making fun of me.
•Embarrassing me in public in subtle ways in front of me or behind my back.
•Being demeaning and cruel to try to make me feel horrible about myself.
•Turning people against me with lies or using familiar information I shared and twisting it into with a negative spin attached to inflict damage.
•Telling lies about me to friends, family and co-workers (triangulation).
•Having to be right in EVERY situation.
In one breath my Narcissist would say I was “the one,” “we were soul mates, and the perfect person the Narcissist had searched for all of their life. I was praised for being intelligent, physically attractive; I had wit and charm, as well as many wonderful accomplishments. Then in an about face this Narcissist would find fault with everything I did, criticize the way I looked by making fun of me, denigrate my profession as a chef instructor calling me a cook that only serviced other people, scream at me, tell me I had no breeding or culture, had an ugly home, had no friends, was thoughtless, unaffectionate, selfish, etc.
When I wouldn’t conform to the Narcissist’s delusions, the methods to control and debase me were bumped up to a higher level:
• Using emotional blackmail, especially fear, obligation and guilt with comments that ALWAYS involved finding someone to replace me – I was just this horrible person and real love was just around the corner for this Narcissist.
• Keeping track of my movements and then saying I was someplace else or having an affair – projection of course!
• Putting me in no-win situations that were false accusations about me doing something wrong and usually around the singular fact that I was having multiple affairs – projection of course again!
• Isolating me from my friends and family stating that they had “strong” concerns about my mental abilities!
• Making threats to leave if the Narcissist didn’t get their way by making me submit to the delusional lies as if I was the immoral person, mentally ill, a liar, etc., as well as GETTING HELP for all of these delusional lies!
• Contacting my sister, or friends with stories about me harassing or being abusive, and threats to sue me or call the police with false accusations when I wouldn’t submit to a “rage” attack!
• Breaking up with me every other week and then apologizing and begging to get back together – and usually after the Narcissist was out having ANOTHER affair!
• Creating constant chaos with crazy making and more accusations about things I was doing like I threw a cinder block through the Narcissists window while I was driving by!
• Insisting I believed the Narcissists lies – usually about affairs and accountability denying there were affairs (even though this Narcissist was caught red handed), but here is the clincher – threatening me to have affairs if I didn’t change and then saying in the next breath just how MORAL they were so obviously the Narcissist’s definition of morality was very flexible as it concerned the Narcissist’s actions.
• Taking advantage of me as well as my family.
• Monitoring my computer usage even breaking into it and constantly searching for anything to use against me – which there was nothing, BUT again this Narcissist would magically turn the slightest thing into a Narcissistic extravaganza of rage and crazy making.
• Withholding sex and affection and saying it was me doing this.
• Forcing or intimidating me to have sexual activities.
• Giving me the silent treatment constantly.
• Pressuring me to submit and behave as the Narcissist wanted me to so that they could do whatever they wanted without accountability.
• Putting threatening thoughts in my head about my pups with crazy statements like “I hope nobody would ever hurt these puppies.” Who would ever utter those words out of the blue?
• Expecting me to ask permission never allowing me to be a real partner or better yet a real person.
• Acting extremely jealous.
• Stepping over my personal boundaries constantly.
• Not ever respecting my privacy – instead this Narcissist would invade my personal space in every possible manner to try to make me feel threatened or insecure.
• Pushing me to engage in horrendous arguments that came from nowhere because this Narcissist needed to silence me to free up time to secure a little extra supply, then taunt me later with text messages about being with someone else.
A common narcissistic personality disorder trait is pathological lying especially as it concerns their false self AND the mask of deceit they wear. Everything and anything is a constant threat to their false self. I didn’t even have to say something to evoke an injury it could happen in response to a situation that the Narcissist perceived as a threat and then the bombs would start flying.
The narcissist is a very disturbing person to deal with after the “honeymoon phase” is over. The Narcissist can easily catch people off guard, and unless you have a history with them they are hard to detect. The narcissist resides emotionally and mentally in his/her delusional world, and the reality of the situation is that they cannot distinguish between fiction and fantasy or they choose not to.
When I was confronted by this Narcissist, my empathy would kick in first and I believed they were genuine, yet I felt that something was just not right, or the narcissist didn’t have the facts straight, but as time went on I became so turned around and twisted up by the lies, manipulation, brainwashing, gas-lighting, etc., that I felt like I was losing my mind.
If it wasn’t for a tragedy occurring in my life that pulled my attention in another direction, I would have been overtaken completely by the destructive Narcissist. The fog cleared because I broke what I call their state of hypnosis they put us in. Some say it is an addiction, I say it is psychological abuse or terrorism pure and simple! Recovery is a process of escaping from their psychological terrorism and brain-washing and that has to start with NO CONTACT so that the fog from their abuse lifts!
REMEMBER – everything a Narcissist has absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! They will also use personal information and trusted information AGAINST you to triangulate and backstab. Again – the connection with them is built around mirroring YOUR very persona and how they can and will manipulate it (with familiarity) to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again it is control! Greg