You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I and it is ALL YOUR fault, YOU have issues, YOU are the source of every problem – it is always YOU that is to BLAME.
You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I and it is ALL YOUR fault, YOU have issues, YOU are the source of every problem – it is always YOU that is to BLAME. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! A little more information on cognitive dissonance to understand the vast confusion and maze we end up in.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
More than often target/victims turn the blame back onto themselves as they were conditioned to do all throughout the relationship and accept things that they normally wouldn’t. After all it was OUR fault as we were made to believe or better yet conditioned or manipulated into believing! We all got to this place of despair because we accepted the Narcissist’s projection of blame and began questioning ourselves AND it was our emotional bond that led us there because we BELIEVED in this person. What did WE do wrong, to drive them away? What was it about us that was so wrong or lacking that made the Narcissist become so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Were we not good enough, smart enough, virtuous enough like the Narcissist claimed, hardworking enough, beautiful or handsome enough, sexy, worthy, submissive enough, didn’t we give enough, love them enough, did we REALLY have issues like this Narcissist said.
You were constantly in this circle of chaos and always wondering – did I, could I, should I, if I? BUT, it was always the same coefficient with a Narcissist constantly manipulating you and managing you down to believe that you were not worthy or even normal. it always became YOUR issues and never being able to hold this creature accountable for what was only psychological and emotional abuse. We never knew that we were just ANOTHER object for this Narcissist to use and discard. We only believed the lies and fell into this abuse so we lived with the distorted thoughts until we purge them out of us OR until we actualize the truth and get help to move away from all of the negative messages that modified our behaviors in such a destructive manner. THERE IS NEVER any closure with this Narcissist because it was all an agenda that ends with destruction and they are not going to take responsibility for their abuse and be exposed for who and what they are.
Cognitive dissonance is a clinical definition that explains this disabling ‘duality thought process’ of being a target/victim of a personality disordered Narcissist’s manipulation that doesn’t occur in healthy relationships. When there are two healthy individuals in a relationship there are good and bad parts as it concerns two separate personalities meeting, getting to know each other, and merging. But by far one or the other person doesn’t have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality or a mask of sanity that hides a malicious, abusive and destructive person. In a healthy relationship, there is a certain level of transparency, so basically, what you see is what you get and it is pretty consistent, flaws and all. ALSO, healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional/psychological abuse, control, domination and an insurmountable mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation. Furthermore, healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships and JUMP right into another one UNLESS it was completely built on deception and basically one partner is a Narcissist AND extortionist of life! Cognitive dissonance happens in those cases where there is a horrendous contradiction between a reality (that fake love created by the Narcissist you believed in) and an increasingly implausible fantasy (the truth that they ARE personality disordered and abusive) which when fully revealed, would be too painful to accept, so much so that you would rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move.
When a target/victim experiences cognitive dissonance, our rational ability to actualize ‘this reality’ or basically accept the knowledge about the psychopathy as far as it concerns the Narcissist’s abuse doesn’t fully sink in at the powerful EMOTIONAL LEVEL. Plus, we never had ‘real time’ experience or knowledge about this personality disorder to help us understand what was happening to us to run away with our life! Consequently, we continually move back and forth between that old idealized fantasy (fake love) that was pounded into our mind and heart and the pathetic reality of the NEW truth about this disordered individual that terrorized our world and try to rationalize it. This is such a confusing process as well as an emotionally draining one too. Just remember that initially, when you were in the idealization phase and LOVED so ideally the fantasy was that this Narcissist could love you and that he/she seriously committed to loving you. Then, once you were devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy still remains because the Narcissist conditioned you to keep believing that he/she is capable of LOVE and loving others, BUT just not YOU so you look inward to see what is wrong with YOU. You feel that you weren’t right for him/her, but NOW someone else can be SO RIGHT for them and it only reinforces the distorted messages. Narcissists don’t know love or feel love with ANYBODY they are only looking for supply. There will be MANY more and newer ‘others’ in this Narcissist’s future but ALL of them are just new objects to use and throw away! Everyone has an expiration date!
This is the fantasy (manipulation) that the Narcissist tries to convince every target/victim of once they enter the devaluation phase and that it is the problem is never with the them (the Narcissist.) Narcissists do truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they are no longer vested in or excited by a person, the Narcissist concludes it must be your fault because YOU were deficient or defiant and didn’t serve them in every way they deserved to be treated – omnipotence. That is where the incredulous stories and lies come from as it concerns the Narcissist pinning this all on you (smear campaign!) Then WHO has ever tested the Narcissist by trying to completely expose them, and were they successful. What law protects a target/victim and makes the Narcissist’s accountable with criminal charges! The Narcissist is a clever thief and usually has minions that claim his/her innocence and turns it back onto us! Karma and time will get them for sure because their lies do catch up with them!
So, what is related to this cognitive dissonance and is powerful? The Narcissist still has a form of power and hold over you and the Narcissist’s distorted standards still have a place in your head AND heart that tugs at you and into the WRONG direction. Call it ambient abuse! Even though you may reject the Narcissist on some level, on another level the Narcissist’s opinion still somehow matters to you (those old messages still playing in your head!) Narcissists are frauds, their actions, words and opinions are distorted and delusional with a personal and self-serving agenda attached to them! The Narcissist’s connections to others, especially the ones the Narcissist CLAIMS to be “the love of their life,” are only empty, controlling, abusive, and fake bonds too. But if you stay emotionally attached or you still care about what the Narcissists thinks or feels, then you are giving a highly disordered person too much power over you or completely handing all of your power to them.
Completely cut those imaginary ties and cut the cord that still connects you to a pathological Narcissist, as well as his/her disordered supporters and their abnormal and distorted frame of reference AND games. Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a Narcissist and his/her pathological defenders or minions having a place in your life, heart, or mind. The connection between the Narcissist’s and their followers/supply is a disordered perspective that messes with your healthy life AND creates the intense inner tension or cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this means to also free yourself body, soul, heart and mind from this Narcissist, their followers and their opinions, standards AND games. What they do, say, think or believe and the silly mind games they choose to play simply does not matter OR belong in your world. What they post on social sites is just another mask they use that hides the truth and them begging for attention!
Totally disengage from anything and everything that concerns the Narcissist. I did a long time ago and I am very clear about my situation and the real truth. I do not connect to THIS NARCISSIST at any level, I pull myself away from ANY and EVERY situation or connection that might exist. Everything this Narcissists does or projects is just more and more layers of ridiculous lies to protect themselves from exposure and the real truth of what they are. I absorbed all of that information a long time ago and saturated my mind with the truth that this person is dead inside and personality disordered! These are words I never believed I would use in my lifetime to describe anybody BUT that is only the truth as it concerns this person so I can say them now! I can also say I am repulsed by this person and their lifestyle. It is all so clear now and that is what moved me forward to live and love again! This was the FIRST step to my recovery but a very important one for clarity!
What does any connection with a Narcissist yield? Just blame, shame, sadness, frustration, a sense of defeat, doubt, constant and conflicting thoughts, many lies, mistrust, feelings of worthlessness, distorted emotions, betrayal, destruction, and ABUSE. PLEASE internalize that despite how intense the emotional upheaval might be, it is so worth getting your freedom back to live life as you should – otherwise what other option really exists? Remember this if you remember anything, you are not weak, stupid, you are vulnerable and struggling to find answers so it is particularly distressing when your normal reality has been intentionally corrupted by what you believed was just a caring and loving human being that turned into this MONSTER! Please remember that your emotions bond you to this creature and that is what you have to actualize and RELEASE FROM by accepting the truth about them as far as the fake love they offered that you believed in – it wasn’t real it was a trap. This is where you must start by rationalizing the truth and rejecting everything about this Narcissist. A relationship and love does not involve bargaining parts of your life away to meet anybody’s needs! No/minimal contact PLEASE! Greg