You DON’T perform or bargain with someone so that they treat you well.
You DON’T perform or bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
Once a Narcissist latches onto you and your world – ‘GAME ON’ and you will be on an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride that will make your reality so dizzying that all you can do to save your life is to jump off of that roller coaster and hope for the best when you land on your feet.
We have to face the truth about our relationship with a Narcissist – as painful as it may feel and painful it will be AND there is no getting around this – BUT if you have been with, known, or lived with a Narcissist for a significant portion of our life, then you are very much accustomed to pain and being managed down and that is what you are continually working through as well as all of that brainwashing, manipulation or emotional and psychological abuse. This pain feels very different, lonely, isolated, and scary. You CAN get through it though so never look back or feel defeated. Most importantly, you can’t ever go back to the world of Narcissistic lies and betrayal. We can never go back, we have to go forward – WE HAVE TO.
We must be able to recognize that this relationship wasn’t based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brain-washing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection. WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us! “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after everything I did for you.” GUESS WHAT they believe this ‘BS’ and nonsense because they are disordered and damaged and have created this false persona that supports their magnanimous opinion of themselves which are really all delusions and failures. They leave a trail of destruction that goes way back to the first days they were able to speak.
We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair this brainwashing with a very small handful of good memories that are imprinted on our heart and mind. This brainwashing was a very powerful – especially the positive CHARM as well as the negative managing down that made us feel worthless and dependent on this Narcissist. It became a distorted belief that kept us (and keeps us) from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new because of that negative and consistent conditioning that erased our spirit, belief system, and personality. It also has a traumatic effect on a very important relationship and that is the one with OURSELVES because a Narcissist is able to hone in on our deepest insecurities and bring them to the surface where we become hyper-focused on them and feeling so vulnerable as if these insecurities completely define you in life. A relationship with them can be soul crushing!
A Narcissist’s world is completely EXTERNAL as far as satisfying all of their needs – there is NO internalized emotions, bonding, caring or loving – you and I and every other person are objects to accomplish this! There is absolutely no motivation on the Narcissist’s part as far as any concern with anyone else’s well-being – especially as far as our feelings are concerned or any aspect of our lives – we are only a functional object to supply their every need. This is what makes them dangerous and yes even defined by some as, bad, evil or any other number of things – but whatever we use to describe this personality disorder, they are unsafe for human interaction PERIOD!
Do they see themselves as any of this? Very unlikely because of the extreme denial they are in! Remember that they have created and justified every aspect of their self-serving and fake reality. The destruction and wrong doing they perpetrate is an outcome of their righteous and delusional cause. They have contorted this distorted and delusional behavior into that charm or fake goodness and that ‘love’ to con, trick, and manipulate unsuspecting people into their trap of deceit and destruction because it benefits them and provides them with every fulfillment they crave and can’t get normally. It provides them with supply and they go for it, steal it, or manipulate it away from whomever they can. It is all mechanical to them and fulfilling so they do not apply any thought to the damage it creates because it serves their NEEDS. Supply is their drug of choice and they are addicted to it and will do anything to get their next fix JUST like an addict. This is a pattern that repeats itself with them their entire life. They have completely tweaked their life and reality to accomplish this to serve their every need and for their entire life.
Malignant Narcissism isn’t about an everyday variety of selfishness or just dealing with a big jerk, but better described as a pathological and all-consuming selfishness from a VERY dysfunctional and destructive human being. They create an image or a fake reality to lure us into their world and take everything they can from us. It is a selfishness that will destroy anything that gets in its way if it is not served completely and fully AND even that is not enough because they will want more and other varied sources. Remember that supply is many things that include the lies and support they need from people to boost their facades and lies. Hold ANY of that back from them and you are a target for annihilation. Personally, I have seen both sides of these Narcissists in a long-term relationship and others I have met along my travels in life that I have simply disagreed with and was attacked in ways that were meant to destroy my integrity. They are just that dysfunctional to fight over anything that doesn’t support their lies and façade. THEY ARE DANGEROUS TO PEOPLE and their lives!
The Narcissist needs MANY mirrors to accomplish their fake reality, or to be substantiated and validated to survive or better yet a “host” or MANY ‘hosts’ to serve them at all times! This is what we clinically call “getting supply”. They create this false reality so they can survive and we substantiate it by believing what we see standing in front of us as a real human being full of compassion and empathy. We are that mirror that he/she plays to. Narcissists pose in front of their mirrors (or us) to get the desired reflection back – it is deception to win us over and to get at that supply. When you show looks of interest, admiration, fear, or concern, they are basking in their reflected self or better yet their insubstantial self. But this reflection isn’t just to see themselves as a “good” or “normal” person – that is the con or disguise – it is a means to an end to exploit what they can from us. They need to be a part of society, but they can’t fit in without re-defining themselves and hiding the loathsome monster they are. They lack the mechanism that normal people seem to be born with and grow with – empathy and unconditional love. Without their fake reality, the Narcissist would remain as a lonesome and loathsome creature that hides under rocks and they couldn’t find any supply there – so they come equipped with many disguises.
Their false image/reality is created ONLY as a working component to hide their pathological and dysfunctional life and to make them seem functional, loveable, important or whatever to get to us. I suppose they have developed it to adapt to each and every situation in life. They cognitively create a “special” image for each of us to make them functional in every situation. They need YOU/US to accomplish this. They need you/us to hold up the mirror for them. They aren’t looking at us for anything but as a reflection of their needs. We don’t exist as a person to them, we are only their supply. They are like a parasite that takes what they need without a single thought or benefit for any singular need we have because we are ONLY the host. If you cease giving them what they want they will move on to a better host. They are completely heedless of their tremendous and all-consuming need of people to accomplish their unending NEEDINESS. They just DO NOT care or have any concern for US!
Narcissist stalk their prey as a predator does and we have to see this as the truth about them as defined by their intent to feed off of us and not view them through the charm or fake love because that was the predatory act that trapped us in the first place. To define this in more practical terms a Narcissist must do so because their intentions are malevolent and absolute – they need us to survive. Seriously if we would have known this it would frighten any source of supply away from this creature. If the target could easily discern the true nature and insatiable lusts and intent to drain/destroy them they would run for cover and literally for their life. So, the Narcissist transforms themselves into the best and most luring bait to trap their next victim. They are very adept at making and wearing masks thriving on appearances because they have no positive substance and without it nobody would find them anything but the despicable characters they are. This describes a predator that camouflages itself to obtain prey.
We are only objects to the Narcissist and we are there for one reason and that is to serve them. They refuse (again, conscious choice) to see our humanity and the basic rights that come along with that humanity. We are nothing more than an object for their use. They abide by no law earthly or heavenly. Their world is completely EXTERNAL. When done, they cast you/us aside. People who believe that the Narcissist really loves them are tragically deceived by the many lies that compromise the Narcissist in their lives. The Narcissist NEEDS a vast and varied reservoir of love, compassion and concern, or complete admiration and adoration in EVERY facet of their lives.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, and an emotional bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. A Narcissist will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them because the real creature behind the façade always gets out! They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this. Know this completely so you can break free from this cycle of abuse and move forward to recovery without giving them any space in your heart or MIND again.
The malignant Narcissist is absolutely incapable of the true emotion of love for any other human being period. You can never successfully deal with a Narcissist if you believe they love you in any real way. They need and use us, but need is not love. A Narcissist’s need is the need that will take with no concern as to whether their taking is destroying you or even killing you, AND it is all consuming. Beneath their thin veneer is the reality of a non-functioning human that uses us as a host to take away our life force. They will malign ALL people and will even use their own biological children as supply and inflict harm onto them as well. We must understand this and accept it to break that bond we THOUGHT was love so we can move forward to recovery. You were chosen because of your amazing qualities that they wanted and they mean to take what they can from you. YOU are resilient and have the ability to move forward to recovery and be that person you once were but you MUST break that hypnotic spell that they cast onto your emotions that poisoned your heart and mind first! No/minimal contact is the only way to break this symbiotic relationship with them – cut off the supply and The Narcissist will move on and away! Greg