BEWARE of the hoovering tactics because it is ONLY a trap that will lead you back to MORE chaos and ultimately more ABUSE.
BEWARE of the hoovering tactics because it is ONLY a trap that will lead you back to MORE chaos and ultimately more ABUSE. Why we must close that door forever and throw away the key when we finally find our freedom from this abuse! NEVER allow them any opportunity to connect with you unless you have to because of children – and then BUSINESS only. Always remember who they are and what they have done!
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
REMEMBER a Narcissist will try to draw you back into the relationship over and over to gain the control and power they need to SILENCE you – plus this is what they do. If they get you there they will manipulate you MORE to get whatever other information they can to use against you or get you to participate in their favorite sport – DRAMA. Don’t allow yourself to think that he/she is reaching out because they care – that is what they want you to think and they will be counting on your gullibility to achieve this. Remember their thoughts are never centered on care, concerns, or anything they use to TRY to pull you back in – it is about the eternal game of control that is their whole life.
Let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality WHENEVER THEY CAN and using whatever they can – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims and that includes HOOVERING to try to drag us back under their control. The key words that describe the whole cycle of abuse are love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add DESTROY! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled. The first and most important revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation so we must always make sure every door that gives them access is SHUT and locked.
The truth about who they are and what they do! So what goes on in the omnipotent Narcissists distorted version of life? There is no such thing as a POSITIVE value judgment as it concerns any other human being on this planet – people are merely living objects for a Narcissist to use, entertain themselves with, abuse, and discard at will. It is a very controlled mechanism in their arsenal of abuse. Normal people respect all life, but a Narcissist doesn’t deem life as worthy of THEIR respect. So, by treating others as unworthy the Narcissist is acting as if they are beneath reprieve for their actions, and we are totally insignificant, very disposable and infinitely less important than the all-important Narcissist – and they will NEVER change. A Narcissist has no more regard for us than a person that steps on and squashes a poor bug that is minding its own ‘bug business’ on the ground. Basically and unequivocally we are nothing and the Narcissist is everything in their world and at all costs even if it means total destruction of an individual! You must always remember that the Narcissist has many other relationships going on as well so there is always a source of supply on the side. No one relationship is as real as it seems (or seemed) or has any of the significance we placed on it – especially as it concerned loving them and the Narcissist friending, caring, or loving us back! So NEVER let them back after you have gotten them out of your precious life.
Also – NEVER forget what they do! The shrewd Narcissist destroys the victim’s credibility in advance. They are by far NOT geniuses, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want to get away with abusing someone, you first launch an effective preemptive attack on their character, so that nobody will believe the target/victim when the truth finally starts emerging that they (target/victim) was abused. Here is the formula for the Narcissist to be successful at this – abuse and then accuse your target/victim of the very atrocity the Narcissist has committed and BOOM you are on top of your game to escape the exposure – THEN if that Narcissist needs MORE ammunition they will find a way to get it – even if that means CHARMING you back in for a bit. They have been backstabbing/smearing us behind our backs from the very first day that we met them – but we were very distracted by the CHARM or ‘love bombing’ and growing trust with this creature – just us being a normal and empathic human being. Meanwhile that dark Narcissistic creature was just plugging us into their cycle of abuse and building up their minions, flying monkeys or Narcissistic support soldiers. Don’t ever forget this damage and harm by believing that they can step back into your life. ALSO remember that they will use many tricks to connect – but don’t ever try to convince yourself that they have changed – they are ABUSERS.
The Narcissist will most certainly react to the use of OUR personal boundaries (or our resistance to their control) but if we are to succeed and break the cycle of this abuse we have to build an impenetrable fortress to keep them out of our lives and heads forever. Violence is always a possibility with a Narcissist so keep this first and foremost in your mind ALWAYS. Be unyielding in protecting yourself with your personal boundaries as well as with your decisions and expectations. This will go a long way in boosting your self-esteem and ending the abuse because you are taking the control away from the Narcissist and back where it belongs with yourself. Refuse to be a target/victim and don’t be a willing participant in your own abuse by ever conceding to this Narcissist ever again.
So what a Narcissist puts into motion is pathologically treating us like dirt and maligning us behind our backs to control and destroy us – and they will NEVER stop if allowed back in. They are predators that are pre-loaded with delusion, psychopathy, and abuse. This seriously puts Narcissists in their own special class with Psychopaths or like a branch from the same Psychopath tree. The class of people who don’t wish you or any other human being any sense of well-being, no matter what or how friendly, caring or loving their façade is. This is the same class of predators as physical, sexual or ANY other kind of abusive predator and Narcissists are just as dangerous. Seriously we MUST internalize Narcissists really are predators and dangerous, but many people just don’t appreciate the true meaning or the reality of Narcissistic abuse basically letting it in one ear and out the other as the saying goes!
Some simple logic! A Narcissist isn’t acting on any normal human premise and all the Narcissist is doing is playing (manipulating) you for the reaction – he/she wants to control and abuse you. The truth is irrelevant to a Narcissist because they don’t even know what ‘truth’ is. Truth or lies, it’s all irrelevant to the Narcissist, so whatever works for them and that is usually lies. They are with us for ONE reason only ‘objectification” and we are there to serve them as Narcissistic supply and that is it. Why do they create the huge production with the entire friendship, CHARM or love bombing? To gain our trust first, and then in turn we speak highly of them in the beginning and that reinforces their con job of a life to the masses. We are none the wiser, PLUS they gain access to attack us using our trust and vulnerabilities to drive the psychological abuse straight to our minds to disable us as well as use against us when they need too. But don’t forget we were singing their praises at first and they were destroying our integrity behind our backs – so never think they can or will change.
So here we are with the truth and never forget it. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this malignant Narcissist and NEVER LOOK BACK. We believed it was friendship, care, or love when it wasn’t – and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start and NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” and stay there! We have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on their part to abuse us anymore. You can and will do it if you keep those boundaries strong and that Narcissist out of your heart, mind, and soul – YES you are that amazing and powerful enough to become a survivor and thrive. Greg