Narcissists and the art of hoovering!
Don’t EVER let them back into your head or heart, and NEVER back into your world because they will use everything they know about you as a weapon to get you back under their control and back into the abuse. What we must remember about these ABUSERS!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others or with any person in any relationship. It is actually perceived as a threat to them because a Narcissist objectifies all of his/her targets/victims and there is NO SUCH THING as individualism. All people in the Narcissist’s life have very clear roles and that is for the Narcissist to harvest supply, nothing less but definitely nothing more. Devaluation is a subtle process that starts from the very first day we start on our journey with them and throughout the entire life of the relationship – it is CONTROL. The Narcissist does NOT start this relationship believing we are a friend, valued family member, the ‘love of their life,’ or ANY type of equal. That would be akin to us believing the over complimentary car salesperson loves us – no they are schmoozing us to get us to buy a new car because it profits them. It is all a mechanical process just like with the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and to profit from the relationship with us – and the car salesman will ALWAYS sell us a new car – just like a Narcissist will sell us a new lie or manipulation to get at what they want – in fact they want us to keep coming back for more and they will even pop in from time to time to keep their connection open.
A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession to use at will, AND to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
We are NOT objects or instruments to be used OR called upon when they are LOW on supply – and to be regarded as such is dehumanizing to say the least. We have no experience to wrap our heads around this type of treatment, especially when it came packaged and wrapped so nicely as love! Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose which is to fulfil every need that a Narcissist cannot possibly manage with their ‘real self’ and without the extreme manipulation and psychological abuse. Remember a Narcissist does not love or have empathy so their world is black and white and so are we as far as it concerns our primary role with them. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object to use and once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Love was only a tool they used to trap us as their next target/victim! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudice in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE.
Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now WEAPONIZED and being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!
BUT many spouses, friends, family members, partners, truly BELIEVE that given sufficient time and patience they will be the ones to ‘fix’ them. We were probably not aware there was a clinical name and this is a disorder so instead we viewed them as being troubled. Because we loved them and they loved us for sure, it is our job and responsibility to be unconditional and bend our empathy to protect our loved one! We can’t “rescue” the narcissist, and shield them from their disordered self. The Narcissist makes use of our naïve aspect to keep us there for them, just as they manipulated us to gain our love with the ‘love bombing.’ They take us as a captive prisoner through a strong emotional bonding that would weather the Narcissists exploitive acts to his/her benefit. Our real or natural, protective, and healthy mechanisms, which (again) are normal processes in normal people in love – are twisted, used, and abused by the narcissist to extract more and more narcissistic supply. There were fake apologies but it always shifted back to the disabling blame and shame as if we were the source of the problem and needed to work on ourselves.
So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brain-washing us every step of the way to BELIEVE in them so they can in turn manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply AND they will most certainly TRY to recycle us right back into the abuse ANY CHANCE they get. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality, disabling us with the sole intent to control and extort us. Remember all of this any time they try to connect with you – it is still abuse and will always be abuse with them. No/minimal contact always. Greg