RED FLAGS or the “Ah Ha” moments! These are the first SIGNS and steps we take – when we QUESTION as well as identify and accept that someone we care about, and are in some sort of a personal relationship with exhibits actions that are questionable – perhaps toxic, harmful, dangerous, debasing, dehumanizing, and even evil at times.
RED FLAGS or the “Ah Ha” moments! These are the first SIGNS and steps we take – when we QUESTION as well as identify and accept that someone we care about, and are in some sort of a personal relationship with exhibits actions that are questionable – perhaps toxic, harmful, dangerous, debasing, dehumanizing, and even evil at times. Are they a Narcissist?
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The questions are in response to the way you always feel hurt, isolated, silenced and even punished. Was this hurtful event a one-time deal, or was it a repeated pattern or what seems like a consistent habit? If it happens more than once, that is a HUGE RED FLAG and our partner, friend, co-worker, parent, sister or brother is showing a pattern that lacks empathy as far as it concerns us as a viable, separate, thinking and feeling individual. Are they a Narcissist?
If someone REALLY cares about us, then they would not display a repeated pattern of putting us down, ignoring our words, making us wrong within our normal interactions, bully us, rage at us, silence us, use harsh and descriptive words to describe us, lie to us or basically manipulate us in a manner that invalidates our existence and constantly controls our words and actions. Are they a Narcissist?
Any person that is in close proximity and involved in our ‘personal’ life and has any type of a ‘personal’ relationship with us would value us as well as the interpersonal relationship they share with us. After all this is the NORMAL course of events that brings people together to potentially grow within our personal interactions and forming a positive relationship. Of course people have disagreements with each other and sometimes people even part but it is not a pattern where they consistently bully, hurt, or try to destroy the relationship. Are they a Narcissist?
To take it further does this person treat others better IN YOUR PRESENCE or are they quite CHARMING? Does this person attack his/her family, friends, neighbors, boss or co-workers; in the same manner he/she attacks you? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you notice that there HAS been conflict surrounding this person’s PAST with PREVIOUS relationships similar to the ones I mentioned in the paragraph above. Is there a pattern that is evident that this person seems to have a trail of destroyed relationships? Have they MENTIONED certain people in a manner that makes you believe they were the ‘problem’ and ‘reason’ that caused them to part ways? Have you had conversations that are not relevant to reasoning surrounding ‘particulars’ as to WHY, but instead you are given strong inflammatory statements that the person is “crazy” or has “major issues” perhaps a liar, cheater, a person that lacks morals, etc. Are they described in a manner that is so extreme that it locks you into a definition of that person that makes you want to keep your distance and even protect yourself from making any contact with them. Do you get a strong sense that perhaps there is a reason that you are kept at a distance from the past as it concerns ‘your’ personal relationship with this person. Are they a Narcissist?
Do you constantly feel confused as it concerns the reality of your relationship? Does it seem that you can’t put your finger on something in particular, but instead it lacks REALITY in the normal course of progression or events as it concerns the relationship? Are there signals or those bright ‘red flags’ that seem to be waving close to your face? Perhaps there are even events that have led you to believe that there is lying involved or betrayal, but again refer BACK to the manner in which YOU are always invalidated and bullied away from anything real as far as a conversation concerning a simple question and a real answer. It seems as if you are given an answer that deflects away from the original question or the situation is turned completely around and back onto YOUR faults, or you are exhibiting ‘crazy behavior’ as if you are extremely jealous or making something out of nothing? Are they a Narcissist?
Are you finding yourself feeling isolated from your friends and family? Do you get a sense that you are becoming more and more of a prisoner to this person as if they are all consuming? You are constantly trying to deflect from negative words and actions – or ‘walking on eggshells’ to deflect negativity for what basically seems to be over anything and everything. There seems to be those good times, some expression of care now and then, and even strong expressions of care or love. Does it seem to be more of a roller coaster ride that has you going through constant highs and lows and it never levels out? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you feel that you are losing some important people in your life as if you were led into believing that they were not really a good friend, this could include family members as well. Do you hear things that come up where there are specific accusations concerning these people saying things about you? Or do you hear outrageous statements that reinforce the attacks or bullying with comments like “so and so said they think you have ISSUES too.” Is there triangulation or being pitted against other people to create many walls in your life where there were none? Are they a Narcissist?
Do you feel so much confusion around your life like you are in a fog and not functioning normally and have lost control? Are there so many layers of CHAOS and negativity surrounding this relationship from arguing, lies, manipulation, betrayal, debasing, dehumanizing and a sense of hopelessness? Does it feel that reality as it concerns this person you care about or even love is thrown out the door? Who are they? You don’t even have a range or perspective about them personally, but instead a conflicting reality that disables you instead. Life seems to be full of anxiety as you suppress so many things because you are just not allowed to be an individual by any means. You are feeling controlled as if this person exerts power over you to keep you that way. You are constantly threatened as far as your place in the relationship – one wrong move and they are going to leave you. You never do anything right! They compound it with a definition of you that includes so many negative issues, mental illnesses; you are more or less described as a derelict in their eyes. They have never encountered someone like you in their lives You are made fun of, accused of issues around your morality, you hear things that you have supposedly done that are OUTRAGEOUS lies. You find yourself constantly confronted by a raging maniac that bellows out how horrible you are constantly. You are blamed and shamed for things you have never done but you believe with all your heart and soul that these things have been done TO YOU INSTEAD! Then one day you are abandoned and you find yourself labeled by all of these things and suddenly your integrity has been dismantled all around you in a manner that destroyed many areas of your life. You have been smeared to all of your friends, co-workers, and family – in essence you have spent your days with this person being set up as a hideous and destructive failure and now your losses are many and you are just too vulnerable to function because of this! Do you feel ABUSED?
ARE THEY A NARCISSIST – I would have to say YES. There are now ‘red banners’ instead of ‘red flags’ and you are a target/victim of a malignant Narcissist. The Narcissist has complete awareness & control of what they do or who he/she abuses in this manner. I could have written this many years ago before I even knew what a Narcissist was or did or what a target/victim of this abuse went through. This was my reality and my situation. The Narcissist’s attacks have very specific patterns. When we are in a toxic relationship there are many things we discover. One of the biggest for me was identifying with what actually got me caught up in a relationship that was so toxic. Why didn’t I see this and run for my life? I was a very strong individual but also a very caring, giving and trusting individual – BUT there was a REAL balance in my life and I always had healthy relationships. Was I codependent? That always seemed to be the ‘go to’ word with this abuse and more shame and blame gets dumped onto the target/victim as if we deserved this abuse. NO WAY – ABUSE IS WRONG, NOT ACCEPTABLE, IT’S ABHORENT. Nobody should ever be treated in this manner PERIOD! No/minimal contact to end the madness and to move onto positive solutions, a healthy life, and recovery. Greg