We have to get real with our abuser. What this means is that we have to see them in the reality of what they are and what they do to good and loving people.

We have to get real with our abuser. What this means is that we have to see them in the reality of what they are and what they do to good and loving people.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist

They are so very destructive and full of CONFLICT, jealousy, rage, insecurity, and hatred. A Narcissist has no real identity they are a HUGE void and what we see and believe is only an illusion built on their ability to CHARM, manipulate, and control other people to serve an agenda – THEIR agenda. In reality this illusion is built upon a parasitic relationship with you and me – in other words, they NEED us to be viable or real and they can ONLY do this by controlling us. Without us their illusion or façade is shattered and they become worthless and powerless so they are always creating some sort of FAKE persona to be able to secure supply. This is a hard concept to actualize because they seem so ‘real’ to us (at first) – BUT again the ‘real’ you relate to is the disabling control they have and have had over you that managed you down to the point of feeling worthless in their presence – it was all manipulation to get you to this place. It is very much just brain-washing and behavioral modification. You believed you cared or loved this person, but you only cared or loved an image that was meant to ALSO control you and eventually trap you into their agenda. A REAL relationship yields trust and that is what was at the heart of the Narcissist’s agenda in tricking you into this illusion of trust! I don’t like believing that people can be this evil, but I had to learn this to get back to me again by accepting the truth that monsters do exist!

While healthy relationships have room for respectful disagreement and consideration of one’s feelings, with the Narcissist, conflict, gaslighting and constant emotional invalidation become the norm or better yet part of their working facade. Gaslighting is a technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often invalidate and criticize your emotions, and displace any blame of his or her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissist are also very skilled in a manner to dissociate any real guilt or shame that they should feel about their betrayal, dehumanization and antisocial behaviors. This dissociation is like a force field that protects the Narcissist from seeing their real identity and realizing how cruel their actions actually are. This dissociation also prevents them from experiencing any guilt. Dissociation is a difficult concept to grasp and basically clinical in nature. It means to block out a thought or emotion. In the real world we just say Narcissists DO NOT CARE and that is the basic reality with them. Watch them run off after they are exposed and start a whole new life again with new supply AND within days of ending their relationship with you. You will be blocked from their social media site or account, ostracized as being mentally insane, a liar, abusive to them, AND THEY HATE YOU. Just another HUGE wall they create to block how they abused another person!

Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg