You cannot reason with a Narcissist, make them accountable for their actions, OR stand up for yourself because they will thwart all of your attempts with denial/deflection and personal attacks.
You cannot reason with a Narcissist, make them accountable for their actions, OR stand up for yourself because they will thwart all of your attempts with denial/deflection and personal attacks. Furthermore, if they feel threatened or wounded they will react with horrendous and dangerous rage. It is yet another form of CONTROL or inflicting fear into their targets or basically silencing them. Along with this is the fact that most people do NOT see the private war we experience with this abuse.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
REMEMBER – they are some of the most CHARMING CHARMERS in the world – so they are manipulating those closest to us playing the saintly victim to protect themselves. People do NOT see what we see OR experience what WE experience, and specifically never experience the abuse that we do! Narcissists do not only use their charm and manipulation only on partners and in relationships, this is their main tool they use in every aspect of their life especially to hide who they are.
They are in a constant “manipulation/camouflage” and protection mode charming every person in every walk of life. On the opposite side of this – they also abuse ANYBODY that has a personal relationship with them and sadly enough this includes mothers, fathers, and brothers/sisters abusing other family member’s even parents abusing their own biological children – all part of protecting their façade.. It includes work environments where the Narcissist triangulates other employees to damage the work force as well as bosses doing the same – but they have their supporters right there to protect them too. Narcissists will hide behind the camouflage of the local church, a charity, political movement, professional group, or corporation. They may obtain a professional degree and have a career or profession such as a doctor, lawyer, preacher, CEO, or in the psychological field. Some will praise them and those of us that experienced their abuse will oppose them completely because of the truth only WE know. The world is their playground and we are their toys to play with and throw in a heap once they have used us up OR we see through their façade!.
Once you start to see the light you stumble into more abuse because that Narcissist has been out there destroying you and damaging your integrity with that SMEAR CAMPAIGN and well before the relationship ended. They have slandered you in every possible way just through knowing personal aspects of your life and using that familiarity to fuel their smear campaign by making it negative and sourcing out people to pit against you. Again for now you have to put all of that on the back burner to get out of the immediate fog. Believe me that the people that listen to a Narcissist’s BS are not worth your time. Anybody that buys the Narcissists BS without allowing you to be present to tell the truth and defend yourself is just as disordered as the Narcissist. In the end I didn’t lose the people I loved that were real and important in my life. Again still part of the process from this abuse – but understanding it at least allows clarity and hopefully a direction.
Here is the big clincher to the nay-sayers that dismiss your sanity for staying with the Narcissist that abused you OR just tell you to move on. No relationship with a Narcissist starts out with the abuse or with them debasing, dehumanizing and destroying our spirit and life. On the contrary, once they set their sight on you as their main target, big prize or basically ‘Narcissistic supply’ the Narcissist will typically engage in that extreme charm or ‘love bombing’ to gain your trust and open up the door for a complete emotional/psychological ‘take over.’ This is the Narcissists ‘way of life’ and the cycle of abuse WE personally experience in whatever capacity we know them. Piece by piece, bit by bit, criticism by criticism, the Narcissist dismantles your self-esteem and undermines your self-worth. This process is painfully slow and gradual, maybe even a matter of years – but it is an insidious process of brainwashing and it is highly effective. People have heard us talk about our positive aspects of this relationship in the beginning – but what they do not know or understand is that was a trap to pull us into their dark world because they are predators.
One last point! So many times, our family seems like they don’t care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They don’t know how deep the abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious OR even understand what it is. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to actually get it – and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience every day that we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse. It doesn’t say that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal. Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that STARTS targets/victims to purge the abuse outward and gain clarity – after clarity THEN it is time to put all of our power back into ourselves. Our voice is the tool for others to hear to gain support as well as to vocalize and actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something that we can turn to that HELPS – or positive solutions. Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails. We do eventually find validation within our personal truths and usually that starts with other survivors. NO/minimal contact always. Greg