Once the Narcissist plants the many seeds of blame/shame into your life, by trying to work through this, you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow – but you compromise yourself AND your relevance in that effort to fix it.

Once the Narcissist plants the many seeds of blame/shame into your life, by trying to work through this, you tender it, fertilize it, and allow it to grow – but you compromise yourself AND your relevance in that effort to fix it.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author -From Charm to harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

They purposely want to isolate and ERASE you with their disabling distortions concerning you. Without resolution or their presence, you are only in a debate with yourself. Along the same lines they will distance and silence you and end up believing that their lack of contact is proof positive that what they have said is real to them and somehow you ARE nothing, the problem and you must sort this out with so many distorted thoughts of your own to bring about some sort of relevancy back – WHEN YOU ARE RELEVANT.

They are subtle with their words that shift blame onto you but they are powerful enough to set this all in motion. They have consistently repeated this scenario with you so many times that the message is firmly planted in your subconscious and it always plays back to you with each and every new argument and it now becomes anxiety that turns into fear – word by word and bit by bit they are erasing/invalidating you. That anxiety becomes imprinted on your mind. You haven’t resolved any of these situations and now there are layer upon layers of these messages that shout out to your conscious way of thinking. EVERYTHING is your fault and you must change who YOU are and you become lost in it all!

So, what do you change because everything is born out of their manipulation, rage and accusations that have no reality, but something is wrong, SO IT MUST BE YOU! In reality you know it isn’t you but SOMETHING is causing the Narcissist to react with all of this disdain. It is your reality now to resolve this and that is what you do by jumping through so many hoops and allowing the dysfunction to FUNCTION.

Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial and invalidation. The denial is based on the emotional connection whatever the relationship is because a target/victim hangs on to the belief that this Narcissist was real and it is very hard to let go of that especially after the CHARM in the beginning of the relationship. A normal person just can’t turn any type of emotions OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because they weaponize emotions as a tool TO MAKE THEIR TARGETS PERFORM FOR THEM! They DON’T bond, care, develop friendships or any relationships OR love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it!

Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things – again only compromising who YOU are – the good person with empathy! Also the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person at all? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be – or like being ERASED.

You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel shabby about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like everything has spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating in this relationship. That Narcissist was there to TAKE and that is all – and he/she used every emotional and psychological tool to control you.

I think most of us know the root of the problem but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living and where we lost ourselves. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much (performing for the Narcissist) so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were emotionally and psychologically conned into believing .

We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again, but what did we change – ourselves – but AGAIN who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that the more we did would heal all of the problems (performing)! Was it care or love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this care or love they returned? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? THERE WAS NO RELATIONSHIP and never will be. It was all about you and I changing or being erased so we would perform to our full potential for this Narcissist. NO/minimal contact to gain our reality that was stolen back again. Greg

Posted on September 15, 2019, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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