WHY boundaries and no-contact? Because they will try to come back to gain that power and control over you which equates to pulling you back into the chaos and abuse.

WHY boundaries and no-contact? Because they will try to come back to gain that power and control over you which equates to pulling you back into the chaos and abuse.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

“No contact” is a definite goal and imperative to start on the road to recovery but a process and something that you WILL find yourself desiring because the truth of what they did and who they really are will send you in that direction naturally. No “normal” or self-respecting person, and that means all of us, wants to continue playing with a controlling, manipulative, and sadistic 3 year old tantrum throwing/destructive monster. So nature will take its course once the truth starts revealing itself through educating yourself. Talking and sharing with other targets/victims will give you “ah ha” moments that will amaze you as far as similarity and a pattern that exists with this abuse. OUR VOICES AND WORDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!

There is a complexity that is involved here and that has to do with what has happened to YOUR psyche through this abuse – and what kept you attached to the relationship because of the emotions that evolved or better yet you were manipulated into believing were real. Without understanding this and educating yourself you continue to fight your emotions/feelings until the truth is apparent. The more you get to know what they’re doing, what they are really like, see it for yourself with your own eyes, the more you observe and journal in your mind, the greater becomes your desire to not inhabit the Narcissist’s planet any longer nor be pulled by the gravity from the Narcissist into abuse.

We must achieve a chaos free life style by removing ourselves from the abuse situation so we can return to a healthy lifestyle. You will take YOUR power back by disallowing them to cycle you back and forth into the abuse, and you will gain clarity to actualize the truth that this was situational abuse. It may not alleviate your thought processes as it concerns your confusion and confounded thoughts immediately, BUT it stops anymore chaos, crazy making, manipulation, betrayal, gas-lighting, etc., being delivered to you from this malignant Narcissist. It gives you the space to let the fog lift so the truth starts lighting up all of the darkness of this abuse. You are your own person once again and this allows you to spend your time inside of your own head and not trying to define yourself through the Narcissists words, actions and abuse.

This realization is the MOST DIFFICULT aspect because you must accept what happened and that is so painful because you must internalize this knowledge and act upon it. Here is the thing the knowledge is basically new to you, even though you have suspected that there is something terribly wrong with them. What is new is that you now realize that there is a name to this and you have been abused by a Narcissist and NONE of this is your fault. This space will give you that opportunity to gain knowledge and education about this abuse as well as the space to find tried and true solutions for YOU.

The process of recovery is even new as far as it concerns the help that is available – we have never had to reach out for this type of help. Our stories are incredulous and people don’t seem to want to hear them, believe them or help us more than a pat on the back. This person may already be in a new relationship and flaunting it in your face depending on what your type of relationship was with them. BUT – no matter what the relationship was you are finding out that your good name and integrity has been smeared to the very people that mean the most to you AND GUESS WHAT – some even believe the lying Narcissist because he/she has so much knowledge of your personal world and is now using it against you. THIS NARCISISST IS SAYING THAT YOU ABUSED THEM. You feel like everywhere you turn there is more and more damage, and more and more things you don’t understand.

One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship and the abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM! THEY DO NOT HAVE EMPATHY – so they DO NOT LOVE, THEY DO NOT BOND with people, and they DO NOT EVER HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with anybody! Their complete life is an empty void that depends upon them looking for their NEXT and next fix of supply – or the next ‘human object’ to use!

You may go backwards and feel you must contact your Narcissist to fix this once more or validate the relationship and prove to yourself that this could not possibly be true – some will even keep trying to go back over and over and over again. You must not go back and repeat this to try to achieve this validation EVER again because a Narcissist lives for these moments, even enjoying them because it is more supply to themget. They are really validating themselves with your pleas for their acceptance (and love) because they feel powerful having such control over you.

Unfortunately some have to stay in minimal contact and a Narcissist is akin to a shark that will always attack prey. Many ask how minimal contact can work when you have to be in contact because of children or legal issues such as divorce. That is a tough situation BUT you can still turn off your mind to their chaos and abuse and disallow them to pull you backwards by rejecting their control tactics while go through the hideous process of their legal games and control if you have children with them, or they are family.

You will never be able to completely wrap your head around this as in understanding a Narcissist because your empathy will not allow you to EVER acknowledge this, BUT you MUST internalize this was abuse to move you to a higher plane and forget about getting into the head of a Narcissist or ruminating over the past – it was abuse. You were always in question of the reality of this relationship but unfortunately the psychological aspect of their abuse brain-washed you to friend. care, or love them and from there you only plugged in the natural aspects of the human connection with another person in a real way – BUT the ugly truth reared its face as it will always as it concerns your Narcissist with everyone. Education will reinforce what has happened to you and allow you to see that you were not the cause of this abuse. This is a learning process that is laced with anguish and pain but we have to achieve closure and the only way to do so is to reject this Narcissist so completely to allow the truth to repair everything that has been broken in us. YES – to no/minimal contact because it is the ONLY way to start on our road to healing and recovery. Greg

Posted on September 14, 2019, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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