ENDING THE MADNESS AND CHAOS
ENDING THE MADNESS AND CHAOS – a lot of information today! A Narcissist basically erases a victim’s personality and suffocates their individualism through insidious and demeaning control AND then to add insult to injury AND ABUSE, they even makes us believe it is our fault. We MUST establish STRONG boundaries like NO/minimal contact to start on our journey to recovery and healing.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
The victim becomes less and less of what they used to be prior to meeting the Narcissist. It becomes a vicious cycle of denigration, debasing, dehumanization and destruction by the Narcissist until there is nothing of substance left of the victim. The dismantling of the victim was skillfully orchestrated by the narcissist, and then as if to add INSULT TO INJURY the Narcissist will unmercifully blame and criticize the victim for “not being the person” the Narcissist fell in love with (they don’t really even know love – they just use it as a tool to manipulate).
All of the “blame and shame” will ceremoniously be dumped on the victim to kick them down even further into the destruction a Narcissist inflicts on everyone. The Narcissist will even “project” their betrayal and perverse actions and lifestyle onto the victim and accuse them exactly of what the Narcissist is doing. The Narcissist will not atop at anything once they have the reigns of terror and control going and will even physically make fun of their victim to inflict every possible form of damage they can – and WHY – because it yields the results they want ‘supply!’ This completely disables the victim and makes them very vulnerable, so they can’t possibly fight back and expose the Narcissist as the REAL abuser they are. Along with all of this, the Narcissist has been back-stabbing and “smearing” the victim to family, friends, co-workers and any other people that will listen to further inflict harm by damaging the integrity of the victim which adds another HUGE level to the abuse. The Narcissist will then discard the victim quickly and without regard. The cycle of abuse and destruction has been completed. The victim has been devoured by the Narcissist and basically dumped in the trash heap. This describes and is NARCISSISTIC ABUSE or better yet emotional/psychological rape of their victim. This is not simply a bad relationship between two people – this is a calculated attack of a predator after prey. This is a disordered human being that willfully harms good people – EVEN their own biological children will become victims of their damaging cycle of abuse. Predator after prey!
NO/MINIMAL CONTACT – unequivocally it is the only way to gain your freedom from this calculating, disordered, manipulating, cunning, lying, extortionist, and abuser that MEANS to inflict damage on their prey as well as take everything they can! You can and will recover from this abuse – but YOU MUST understand that the Narcissist is as calculated in their attacks on people as is a shark with its prey. Once you establish the facts/truth about your abuser you must put it all into perspective to release from the “blame and shame” as well as the worthlessness you feel that the Narcissist made you internalize or better yet forced down your throat. Find that spirit, it is still there with you as well as your self-esteem, goodness, empathy and LOVE — I promise you that this had NOTHING to do with who or what you are, it has to do with an extremely disordered person that manipulated you into ALL OF THIS because they are an abhorrent and disordered. They DO know what they are doing because they always LIE to protect themselves – just like a predator that camouflages itself so that the prey never knows what hit them.
Here are some general suggestions to help or ‘how to do it’:
1. No calls, no texts, no emails, no smoke signals, no attention grabbing things on social sites, talking to your Ex-Narcissist’s friends, or putting yourself out there where you may run into the Narcissist. REMEMBER this person abused you and caused damage to your life. Put a yellow sticky note on your forehead to remind yourself if you need a reminder to stay out of the path of trouble!
2. There can be NO “accidental” meetings (if you can help it). Change your routine completely. COMMIT TO THIS!! Yes, it is unfair that you have to change your lifestyle for the moment, but time and distance is how you’ll heal. Even if you think you can put on a show for the Narcissist about how happy you are without the Narcissist, this will backfire on you because YOU HAVE TO “GET IT” – a Narcissist objectifies a person which translates to them not caring about individual rights, only getting supply. They don’t care what you do, or what you feel, THEY JUST DON’T CARE! Don’t do it. They will return every effort on your part with ABUSE!
3. Avoid sentimental places that remind you of the Narcissist. YES, you have to go through the process of falling out of love. As much as this fact ‘stinks’ it is just reality and it has to be dealt with. You fell in love with what you thought was something real – but it wasn’t and unfortunately this fact did not reveal itself until AFTER the “love bombing” and all of your good emotions running away with the Narcissist. Just remember that what you fell in love with was a mirror image of yourself that your Narcissist projected in front of you to complete the magic con job, to gain your trust, and start the whole cycle of abuse to extort every aspect of your life!
4. Ask your friends, family and associates not to update you about your Ex-Narcissist or tell you any news whatsoever. Sometimes after you have gone No Contact, the Narcissist will often enlist minions (flying monkeys) to contact you. These minions will be the “passer’s on of information” for the Narcissist. PLUS the dog that brings a bone TAKES a bone. That means these minions will collect up any and all information for the Narcissist as well. It is sick and crazy to have to be part of this but it is as real as the nose on my face and I experienced one of my Ex-Narcissists minions buzzing around in my life! Any information in the hands of a Malignant Narcissist is dangerous!
Alternatively, some people think they’re being helpful by telling you about your ex’s latest crazy antics or newest boy/girlfriend. Nip this in the bud and explain that you prefer not to hear about your ex. Tell them that you know they mean well, but for the time being, you don’t want to know what he/she is doing, who he/she is dating or what her Facebook status is, etc.
5. Cut your losses as best you can. Give the Narcissist whatever belongings you have and get what belongs to you and GO. Don’t keep a foot in the door. This applies to your foot as well as your Ex-Narcissist. Do not allow any sort of an opportunity for that Narcissist (or yourself) to have an excuse to resume contact.
6. Don’t react or negotiate EVER. Narcissists send cruel, demeaning and often obscene and poisonous messages through emails, texts and voicemails. Your initial reaction may be to defend yourself or right the injustice. Don’t fall for this EVER! If you do, you’re taking the Narcissists bait to keep you engaged in chaos and crazy making and that will only complicate your life and add more layers to the abuse. The only way you can “win” with a Narcissist is not to play their sick games and get on with your life without them.
7. No memories, so pack away photos, gifts, notes, etc. that remind you of “the good times” all one or two of them. In reality there were no memories or good times to look back on, they were all illusions as part of a master plan on the Narcissist part to capture you as a predator would stalk and trap its prey. This is the real truth and why this is called abuse.
8. Delete, delete, delete, delete and delete some more! Delete the Narcissists name and number from your phones. Delete email addresses. Delete the Narcissist from MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and every other website on which you’re currently connected. Block that Narcissists incoming numbers, texts and emails. If your Ex-Narcissist is physically threatening you, blackmailing you or threatening to lie about you, save these communications to protect yourself from the damage they can and WILL cause to you personally. You may also need them for a restraining order and/or to press stalking charges.
As bizarre as it may sound that you need to protect yourself – and please remember that they are very destructive and capable of doing anything to destroy your integrity and your complete life. I want to add a little personal note or two here with a story about how my Ex-Narcissist was doing this and smearing my name and even trying to involve law enforcement to get me arrested. I received emails and text messages ACCUSING me of throwing a ‘cinder block’ out of my Jeep and through a window at the Narcissist’s property. I am strong but not that strong to be able to fling a cinder block with my left arm while driving. I also received text messages as if I was TRYING to break into the Narcissist’s Mother’s house (the Narcissist lived with their mother about 45 miles from me). The text messages were coming to my cell phone one right after another as if we were in some sort of a real time, back and forth conversation stating to stop what I was doing now because the Narcissist (and the Mother) were afraid and locking their doors and windows as if I were right there. At the time this was all happening, I was at and signed into the elderly care unit where my 89 year old mother was at.
Then accusations to tell my director at my place of employment that I was a sexual predator as well as stating to my family that I was ABUSING my 89 year old mother. As incredulous as this all sounds they are not exaggerations and I have each of these threats from my Narcissist recorded and backed up in a legal manner. This was the turning point for me to see that any emotions and connection I had for this person had to end completely. This is when I got my ‘ah ha’ moment and internalized how truly disordered and MALIGNANT this person was AND certifiably dangerous and a yes a Narcissist. That is where I changed myself forever concerning this abuse and took charge of the “no contact’ in a manner to protect myself and MY family. Sometimes we become complacent with this abuse because it is even too incredulous for us to wrap our heads around.
9. If you do have a night out and perhaps enjoy a glass or two (or more) of wine, beer or whatever, avoid making contact because alcohol lowers your inhibitions You don’t want to let this abuse back into your life because you had one too many beers or glasses of wine! Plus, if you’re feeling down or depressed about the break-up/divorce, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and will only make you feel worse and add more grief to the situation.
10. Rely on yourself as much as you can. Seek out group therapy, personal therapy, join an online blogging site that deals with this abuse, or connect with a close personal friend that you can trust implicitly. The world ISN’T going to embrace your abuse and become a savior to you. Our stories are so incredulous that we more than often sound like we are insane and as you have come to realize the Narcissists has already annihilated your integrity. It is human nature to seek out retribution as it concerns the truth especially where our integrity is involved – BUT unfortunately the world doesn’t understand this abuse YET. Search out other victims/targets or survivors of this abuse that will help by sharing their experiences. This is where you will be able to embrace the truth and validate your experience. Reject any nay-sayers that minimize your experience they will resonate abuse in a manner that is ambient – but still abuse. The only person that has to believe in you IS YOURSELF.
11. Reconnect with the world and with yourself. Get back in touch with the people you weren’t allowed to see or those you fell out of contact with. Start doing the things you used to enjoy little by little. Pursue your interests again. Make a commitment to exercise or working out. The goal here is to make yourself healthy and strong in body, spirit and mind.
There are many lists out there that basically say the same thing but this was my addendum to the generic version or again what I called my personal “witness protection plan.” Everything on this list may not be feasible for everyone especially if you MUST have contact. But even with minimal contact you HAVE to disconnect from any emotions and stop negotiating with yourself or looking for any other answer than the truth and that is you experienced the abuse of a malignant Narcissist and it is time to “Get out of Dodge” and away from the Narcissists ability to control and abuse you. Be that robot with every battle you MUST have because of legal decisions, or biological children – BUT NEVER negotiate where it involves you personally or your emotions. I think it’s a good example of the level of personal commitment No/Minimal Contact requires or at least a model to help bring awareness as to the importance of solutions to separate from the problem of this abuse – the NARCISSIST.
You are and always have been the STRONG, beautiful, and amazing person that knew/knows love and you still are that person – THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL HERE TODAY, and you still have tomorrow – and don’t give that up. You WILL be the person you once were! Always remember that there is help out there if you feel stuck or experiencing trauma as so many do. Use your voice to ask questions and reach out to find the solutions you may need to move forward with your recovery. Greg