So often this abuse in itself confounds or confuses us in so many ways that our thoughts are never centered on any one issue as it concerns US – that is the TRAUMA associated with this abuse.

So often this abuse in itself confounds or confuses us in so many ways that our thoughts are never centered on any one issue as it concerns US – that is the TRAUMA associated with this abuse.

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

More than likely the negativity that surrounds you is ever present, consuming, and preoccupying your every thought process. It surfaces as anxiety, depression, shock, grief, or the whole nine yards. These are actually the first tiny steps that start us out on our journey to recovery and that is unraveling the confusion and sorting it out. We KNOW something is just not quite right. We have to acknowledge the confusion to know it, and then we process it. There is not anything unusual about these experiences as confounding as our thought processes are, but we have to understand that it is a part of the process we have to go through first and that is unraveling all of the confusion. It is what you hear described as the ‘fog’ that we are in. From this your voice becomes the tool to externalize those confusing thoughts to help you put some order to the disorder. Believe me it will come, but like everything else you have to start someplace.

You try to understand how another human being could psychologically terrorize you in the manner that the Narcissist you were with did. You loved this person and they SAID they loved you back. They participated in the relationship and it seemed like ‘normal’ reciprocation as far as them loving you back. BUT today you are looking at this relationship and wondering HOW did this turn around in such a manner that you feel so lost, so confused, so broken and disabled. What did you do wrong, why this person that you loved unconditionally now seems to hate you and blame you and WHAT IS THE REASON? They have probably moved on very quickly and are with someone new and they are saying that they are in love and it is amazing. They are also saying that they basically had to run from YOU because you were impossible to deal with, or perhaps you have mental health issues, OR you abused them. You feel frozen in time and in shock or better yet traumatized from this and you want to dig through all of the layers and get this so you can move on, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T SEEM TO DO SO.

Family and friends are there to support you but more than likely it is to give you a small pat on the back and say time will heal your wounds, or you HAVE to move on, OR how could you stay in this relationship for as long as you have if it was this bad. When you try to tell your story, it is so incredulous that most people seem to be in shock over the allegations that you are proposing about the relationship. In turn you only feel like you are the problem and you blame yourself and MAYBE you start to believe that you were the problem just like that Narcissist said.

You feel like your spirit is gone and your whole belief system has been thrown out the door about life. Where do you start, how do you turn off the many negative messages? How do you reclaim your spirt and join life again? Who do you go to for the help that you need and WHY is this taking so long to get over? Every day is a struggle and you want this to stop NOW and you want to move on.

You are may be still tethered to the person (Narcissist) that you cared for, became friends with, worked with, related to, or loved and even thought you don’t want to admit it or say the words; you probably still care for them or love them. Then you ask yourself WHY and are you just that crazy to care or love this person that has so intentionally hurt you.

NOW a new step, and we are getting our ‘ah ha’ moment and start speaking out about the truth AND our situation – we ARE finally getting somewhere. Unfortunately, people may start shaking their heads and fingers at us in disbelief. None of which is welcoming or helping us and adds more confusion and despair. We feel like we are walking alone on this journey and there always seems to be more confounding aspects to it that we must stumble on and define before we can move forward again. We get on people’s nerves because we keep talking about it! We need answers and this is how we find them. STILL it is part of the necessary process to healing, even as much as we get on their nerves. Really, we don’t mean to!

You have heard ‘things’ your Narcissist has said about you to the very people you love in your life and now they may be challenging you or questioning this from the Narcissist’s point of view. You are defending yourself when you shouldn’t have to. Again, you are feeling you are the problem here and all of this has become insurmountable.

We are very inquisitive creatures and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL of our fault! We weren’t problematic in our other relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? That is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion we find some answers and usually when we hear the real stories of survivors or other victims. We start to see the similarities and find the validation we deserve.

What I have tried to do here is give an account of SOME of what to expect, as well as a little education so that you can hopefully avoid the many obstructions that I stumbled through. Knowledge is power in getting through this. This is gained through the experiences of survivors and other targets/victims. No/minimal contact to allow clarity and start the process to recovery. Please feel free to add to this list. Greg

Posted on September 9, 2019, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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