The truth that so many people do NOT understand unless they have personally experienced abuse from a Narcissist. Long read but important!

The truth that so many people do NOT understand unless they have personally experienced abuse from a Narcissist. Long read but important!

From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist

So often this abuse in itself confounds, diminishes, or confuses us in so many ways that our thoughts are never centered on any one issue as it concerns US – that is the TRAUMA associated with this abuse. More than likely the negativity that surrounds you is ever present, consuming, and preoccupying your every thought process. It surfaces as anxiety, depression, shock, grief, or the whole nine yards. These are actually the first tiny steps that start us out on our journey to recovery and that is unraveling the confusion and sorting it out. We KNOW something is just not quite right. We have to acknowledge the confusion to know it, and then we process it. There is not anything unusual about these experiences as confounding as our thought processes are, but we have to understand that it is a part of the process we have to go through first and that is unraveling all of the confusion. It is what you hear described as the ‘fog’ that we are in. From this your voice becomes the tool to externalize those confusing thoughts to help you put some order to the disorder. Believe me it will come, but like everything else you have to start someplace.

If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist – idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissists relationship with you. One day you wake up and this Narcissist hates you and is acting out against you, smearing your good name and destroying your integrity to everyone and ultimately trying to ruin your valuable relationships with friends, family as well as your co-workers and career. WITHOUT A DOUBT, this was inevitable with a Narcissist. You did nothing wrong to cause that change and the demise of the relationship you had with them. If you’re not 100% on their page, if you are not completely accepting of them, if you do not show complete admiration, if you are not a perfect mirror to the narcissist, you are branded as bad and will be devalued as is the fate of every person that has had any sort of relationship with a Narcissist. It’s simply the Narcissist’s way of viewing the world. KEEP IN MIND that you are not dealing with a fully functioning human being that has any empathy for life, or any semblance of morality, or the ability to tell the truth AND you must completely accept their disordered life of lies or you are discarded and destroyed. It is the Narcissist that is bad to the bone – and it is as if they ritualistically project their negative and abusive life onto every person that loves them – this includes family and even their biological children. We have to come to terms that they are pathological liars, psychological terrorists and abusers that destroy lives.

When you actualize the situation, it isn’t just grieving the emotional connection that we felt for this person, but a new reality that they were there and actually extorting our love and trying to destroy us – just the reality of this abuse. The real truth about them now becomes a huge influence on our thoughts and feelings and it confounds the situation even more as far as clarity. It is clinically called ‘cognitive dissonance’ where we have two conflicting realities. We believed we were in love, but we also know that it wasn’t real love but instead a huge betrayal of our love from an abusive person. Not easy to have to believe the truth because they are so far apart and polar opposites. Nor is it us ignoring the facts that this abuse was staring us in the face. Sure, we were aware that there were problems because this Narcissist was acting out in cruel ways that we personally understand from our experiences, but we were trying to be real WHERE THERE WAS NO REAL. We were being manipulated in the cruelest way by someone (a Narcissist) that was monopolizing on their deceptive ability to manipulate and manage down our healthy thoughts. This is subjugation of a human being pure and simple or denying the human rights we all deserve. This is our new reality and we have to explore this so that we can actualize the truth.

It doesn’t make us weak it was brainwashing and extreme betrayal that created the confusion that blinded our ability to move forward in the positive direction we wanted. Everyone tells us we should have seen these flags or signs, but it is not JUST THAT, it was also about the manipulative influence that kept us believing – BUT we did get it eventually. I heard the same things and I did get what they were saying. Repeatedly I was asked how I missed the obvious signs that my Narcissist was “off” in so many ways, AND supposedly they saw it. But I was ALSO off my game in many ways after the many years of this abuse and just too vulnerable! Narcissists break people with emotional and verbal beatings because they are just that sadistic.

Really the most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we are the bad guy.

You must also educate yourself about this personality disorder or you will be pulled back into the abuse with their lies and manipulation. Block their narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored, and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone. Don’t try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity because they live this way. You can’t rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others.

Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the Narcissist or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof.

There are situations where you HAVE to deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they did. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brain-washing and essentially psychological ABUSE!

In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.

NO or MINIMAL contact to break the cycle of abuse. DISCARD that Narcissist from your mind, heart, soul, and life. Greg

Posted on August 25, 2019, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Thoughts or Feelings you'd like to share?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: