We cannot fix THEM or fix the relationship – but we CAN fix ourselves!
We cannot fix them or fix the relationship!
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
We must be able to recognize that this relationship wasn’t based on care, friendship, or love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brainwashing, betrayal, constant managing down, projection and complete objectification. WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us and somehow believe we must try harder! “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after everything I did for you.” GUESS WHAT they believe this garbage and nonsense because they are disordered and damaged and have created this false persona that supports their delusions. They leave a trail of destruction that goes way back to the first days they were able to speak. We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair this brainwashing with a very small handful of good memories. This brainwashing was a very powerful, distorted belief that kept us (and keeps us) from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new and ESPECIALLY with OURSELVES.
However it is that we get to the truth we can never go backward again. We are taking the first step forward, and we will only continue to see more and more truth. We must ride this wave the whole way and it may knock us over and under the raging water, BUT we will be able to get our head above water again and swim back to shore because the only alternative is to drown in this abuse and WE CAN’T DO THAT. We can never again live in Or allow a pretend relationship where every word spoken to us is a lie, every action a manipulation, where emotions are used to control us, or that a Narcissist who is incapable of caring/loving another person can or does care or loves us. They are Narcissists and we cannot do ANYTHING to change them, fix them OR the relationship.
We have to face this truth, as painful as it may feel and painful it will be AND there is no getting around this. But if we have been with OR lived with a Narcissist for a significant portion of our life, then we are very much accustomed to pain and being managed down and that is what we are working through or ALL OF THAT BRAINWASHING. This pain feels very different, lonely, isolated, and scary. We can get through it BY WORKING ON OURSELVES. We can’t ever go back to the world of Narcissistic lies and betrayal. We can never go back, we have to go forward – WE HAVE TO. Greg