The Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments’ this is how they manage you down to feeling worthless.
The Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments’ this is how they manage you down to feeling worthless. When the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against someone, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s REAL flaws, it is shot at you to just wound you enough to disable you with their made-up accusations.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable as far as it concerns seeking out their prey (or source of supply) and all of us are possible targets especially if we have something they NEED or WANT!. What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality or façade, but they can’t monitor or better yet control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructiveness or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged and just don’t care. Everything you offer them be it care or unconditional love is used and abused while they get at what they came for. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips because they obviously will get caught up in their lies and distortion, so they turn them right back around onto and into us as if we are abusive like them (projection)! They are very efficient abusers as it concerns hiding their reality to get what they want. We have to put ourselves in a position to truly understand that what they were doing was purely manipulation to extort what they needed which amounts to subjugation as it concerns each and every one of their victims – this is situational abuse! There is no real love or commitment as it concerns our time with them and there never will be. Once you get to this realization the pieces fall in place to help you actualize your position as an object that they only extorted and abused!
Think about their attacks on us or how they devalue us. Who does the Narcissist call a liar? The honest person and usually that means you and me, but who is the real liar – the Narcissist? Who does The Narcissists say is bad, dangerous and the abusive person? Well again the good person that actually cares for them and probably loves them and that is us again. They will put themselves before their own biological children and family, and that speaks so loudly about how disordered they really are! Remember though they are quite talented at what they do and they have all of this down to an art form so their talent for farce is so great that MANY people mistake the Narcissist for stoic and astute as we have all done – in other words they basically get away with murder! They are working that image for sure and hanging onto that mask for dear life. But in that definition, just remember that their insecurity is so intense that they have to seek out many mirrors (people) to see that amazing reflection they FALSELY create as well as constantly reinforcing their big facade or the big lie of what and who they really are. They have no room for anything else in their lives other than keeping that façade and themselves viable and alive with their agenda – but it is not plausible because they are so out of control that they always get caught up in their own game. You can only fake it for so long!
So many times, we see ourselves as foolish for falling for their lies and façade. But put some thought into this, EVERYONE falls for their façade, even their minions, or the naysayers that find our stories too incredulous to believe. Narcissists are out there and everywhere and they abuse people in every aspect of their life. They ARE amazing liars, con artists and abusers. So, is everyone else as foolish for not seeing through the Narcissist’s façade too? So, if we are to accept foolishness then the rest of the world must join in accepting their role as also being FOOLED by the Narcissist’s grand façade! Seriously we are not fools we were FOOLED or conned just like everybody else!
So, let’s examine what they really are. A Narcissist has the mental capacity of a child with no sense of measure or moderation. A Narcissist is more dangerous with their thoughts and mouth than an angry child throwing a tantrum because they want what they want and WHEN they want it. They will spew out some poison about someone as easily and naturally as we take a breath of air if they don’t get their way. Remember a Narcissist only loves themselves and there is NO room for anything else but seeking out people or supply to reinforce their lame façade like a child that wants every toy it sees. They have no normal human relationships because they can only relate to people as objects (toys). A Narcissist will even project chaos off of their own children as thoughtlessly as they would anybody else that stands directly in front of them and that is just too unnatural as it concerns the human condition of bonding and love yet alone what they do to family or anybody that loves them, cares for them, or ‘friends’ them! Since a Narcissist has the mental capacity of a little child, the only reign they have on their OWN behavior is what they feel they can get away with. So, the more the Narcissist gets away with the more repressed guilt (abuse) they have to purge onto some poor target/victim.
This is why you eventually end up devalued and discarded. This creature doesn’t have any expertise in any realm of human relationships or loving anyone. It is only a matter of time that their mask slips and their true disdain and hatred for the VERY connection they forced on you/us surfaces. Their real disconnection with people is their reality and it ALWAYS sends them off in another direction to find new people to feed their many needs and lifestyle – BUT NONE OF THEM MEAN ANYTHING MORE THAN THE OTHER (objectification)! They have to seek out more viable supply to get that high back because they CAN’T participate in real intimacy and let it grow and they only FAIL at it miserably. Unfortunately, they have convinced us that we are at fault and we internalize it as the reality of our situation. They are fighting a battle with themselves that demands putting their full attention to their false mask and fortress, and the only way to accomplish this is to always have that strong adulation and admiration they need or constant VARIETY – otherwise they would IMPLODE. Remember that old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” and the Narcissist lives by this. This is not an excuse by any means because they have the same ability to turn it around in a positive fashion by making positive changes but they are happy the way they are. ALSO, remember they will stay as long as you allow them to, but you will lose yourself completely!
Look at their daily lives, the Narcissist is more than likely to totally discredit someone he/she owes gratitude, because needing help damages the Narcissist’s perfect image. So, the Narcissist repays help as though it were an insult – or basically every interaction with them is perceived as a threat. They must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it by making them a contemptible person that is incapable of really helping someone as grand and perfect as they are. The Narcissist’s world is surrounded by knocking people down and using them as stepping stones to get to their desired source of newer and continued supply or to a better place that serves THEM. You will NEVER be able to pass on anything real or good to a Narcissist without it being managed down because they will not allow you to have ANY sense of worth.
On a personal note, I remember a conversation with my Narcissist. There was an argument of course, and I was told that I NEVER CARED or LOVED this Narcissist as I should have. Seriously I could have given this Narcissist every one of my internal organs and they would still want more and accuse me of not caring. It is just their nature and what they are AND you can NEVER fulfill all of their ‘needy needs.’ I tried to logically explain how I was there for this Narcissist after their chaotic divorce and substance abuse problem and the truth is that I WAS there out of concern and love. The Narcissist turned it all around like a child and said, “well you never came over and let my dog out and really helping me out like so and so!” Just a side note ‘Mr. So and So’ was a ‘play’ friend that the Narcissist described as a thief that stole from elderly people but was now praising him to manage what I did down to nothingness. SO, truth be told I never did drive over to take the dog out but I spent every one of my nights on the phone with this Narcissist for 3 to 4 hours for months listening until they recovered. I was also available to the Narcissist’s Mom to help out in any manner I could too (I was asked to help!) You will never understand yet alone reconcile ANY of their actions or destructive words and unfortunately you HAVE to reconcile this all based on the REAL truth as only you know it now and that is that they are not fully functioning human beings.
So, the BIGGER picture, when Narcissists project slander onto their targets/victims, they have two objectives. One is projection of course BUT the other is to “dirty a bright spot in your character” with whatever slander they are projecting at you to manage you down. It’s as though any shiny part of your image diminishes the glow of their grand façade and that just pisses that destructive inner child off. You can never be anything but inferior to them. This is of course the mentality of the Narcissistic terrorist, who must tear other people’s integrity down and ultimately harm OR destroy them to prove their distorted existence or omnipotence.
Projection and smearing at the same time is a work of art for the Narcissist, and it is uncanny how Narcissists manage to accomplish it. It’s all in the way their words are carefully placed, because not only do they ditch one of their faults, they muddy up one of your virtues in the process until they eradicate all of your goodness. They are so glib and amazingly adept at “killing two birds with that one stone.” But understand and remember this, the Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments.’ Consequently, when the Narcissist is conducting a smear campaign or character assassination against someone, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s real flaws, it is shot at you to just wound you enough to disable you with one of their ‘made up’ accusations. Believe me they will keep shooting and wounding you in the hopes of completely crippling you as time goes by because they have to remain superior and in charge.
Now the Narcissist’s false image contains the virtuous qualities stolen from other people’s characters – the good things you and I do. Believe me they take these virtues along with them after we are long gone, they have to because they have none of their own so they have to steal them as well as our identity. Our good images and virtuous qualities replace the flaws in the Narcissist’s character and they recycle them. In other words, the Narcissist steals your virtues and dumps their flaws and faults onto you! Again, in doing so, the Narcissist is stealing your identity, or pulling an identity switch. UNFORTUNATELY, we don’t have the scope or education when this is happening so we are always caught up in the reaction and not seeing the real picture!
It is just ‘Narcissistic magic’ or an illusion created with nothing but words, and they seamlessly trick or warp everyone’s normal perceptions, but like everything else about them it is all about manipulation, lies, and lying. For example: let’s say that the Narcissist is stingy and one of your great virtues is that you are outstanding for your generosity. He/she hates the glow of that shiny spot in your character, because it serves to foil the Narcissist’s stinginess, making it more noticeable by contrast. So, the Narcissist muddies your image and glorifies their image by misappropriating your generosity to themselves and misappropriates their stinginess into you. Think back to how this always seemed to come into constant play during the time you spent with them. They were continually managing you down to only discard you when it was time for them to just move on to someone else and leaving you feeling completely WORTHLESS. What did you do that was really wrong? You know the answer to this and that is absolutely nothing at all. You must completely internalize the truth to light your way to recovery!
What this does is tangles us up more and more in their crazy circus lifestyle. Remember that their projection is positive and negative – so of course just more manipulation in a different context with a scope of mixed messages. Try training a dog in the manner a Narcissist trains us. It would be like us standing in front of that beautiful and loving pup and repeating the words, good, bad, good, bad, constantly and in succession. That loving pup would be wagging its tail, then drooping its ears so much so that they would have no perspective or scope of life with you. In turn, we start our own projecting back to our Narcissist. Not in any manner similar to what they project onto us. But remember the Narcissist is training us like a dog to make us do tricks. So, we learn that by showing more affection, being so good to them, or loving them before ourselves, we get our just reward. Basically, we are reacting and in doing so we project a ‘happy face’ when inside we are conflicted, confused, manipulated, betrayed and demeaned. It is absolutely dehumanizing and subjugation pure and simple.
A Narcissist will use every opportunity to mirror as much adoration out of us as they can. In turn, they will demean us at the same time basically making us beg for some sense of reality and POSITIVE attention from them. Remember the good puppy, bad puppy explanation above! You will often see a target/victim seeming so co-dependent or correcting things the Narcissist has muddied up in the Target/victim’s life. What is our part in all of this? We are always trying to correct a situation that inevitably is a dead end. Are we just a means for them to see their awesome image as well as a garbage container for them to dump all of their toxic garbage into? Yes, basically we are just that and we MUST internalize these messages and accept the sad but true reality of our situation with them!
OK, so the point to all of this was to help you understand some of the mechanics so that you will hopefully release from that blame and shame that the Narcissist dumped into your head that this was your fault, or you are worthless, have mental health issues, etc. You don’t deserve to carry a debt for the time you spent with this person. You ARE a normal and loving human being that is equipped with empathy and you proved that all along. Do you ever remember feeling like this before you got involved with this Narcissist? NO, unless you were with another Narcissist. You didn’t magically go from a good person to an insensitive, non-caring person that could do nothing right in this crazy and debilitating relationship. You are not crazy or insane either. You were abused by a very defective person that ultimately managed you down more and more until eventually you lost sight of the real you. You will become the real person you once were because unlike the Narcissist WE ARE ABLE TO CHANGE. You were disabled by the extreme tactics used on you. With introspection, time, support and real love, you can and will turn this around. It is time for you to BELIEVE in yourself completely and discard everything and anything about what this Narcissist made you believe about yourself. They were a nightmare in your life, and now that you are awake and free from them it is time to put the real perspective or truth back into your reality that you are a normal and amazing person that has the tools to become whole again. PLEASE no/minimal contact to start you out on that road to recovery! Greg