So what are the mechanisms going on behind that mask the Narcissist wears to cover up their darkness and to also feel empowered?
So what are the mechanisms going on behind that mask the Narcissist wears to cover up their darkness and to also feel empowered? They manipulate our emotions (charm us) and then diminish us (harm) to keep us confused and compliant OR under their control because there is NOTHING inside of them that could connect to other humans because there are NO internal mechanisms to do so.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
That ‘CHARM’ is the first thing to go and only used later as bait to keep us guessing, and hanging on. The ‘HARM’ is the dizzying brainwashing, manipulation, and projection the Narcissist uses to diminish us or constantly questioning OURSELVES as if we are the problem and trying to fix this desperate relationship or imprisoned in the cycle of their abuse UNTIL THEY ARE DONE WITH US.
A Narcissist will use ANYTHING to convince you that you are seriously damaged. Alternatively, a Narcissist will even use dime store psychology on you, or strong dogmatic religious beliefs, or a false consensus from friends, family, co-workers, etc. to justify their lies and inexcusable behaviors concerning you. For example, saying things like: “I pray for your healing daily” or “You have issues that you need to address with a therapist” or “My therapist agrees with me about your actions” or “So and so agrees with me and understood what I did because of the way YOU treated me.” “I think I am right and you are wrong.” These are nothing more than tactics for deflecting responsibility, conflating facts, and reinforcing them with ill placed and FALSE comments from other people that aren’t even involved. A Narcissist rarely, if ever, admits they are wrong unless it is to zap you with a thinly veiled insult weaved into a small acknowledgement of something or other. For example, “I am sorry for thinking you were a kind and generous person. I see that I was probably wrong about you.” A Narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for their hurtful actions. If you call them out on their bad behaviors, they claim it was your fault for pushing them into it (in other words, you deserved it) and you’re a bad person to make a good person like them (the Narcissist) act that way. You should be ashamed of yourself! I was continually blamed for my Narcissist’s horrid and raging temper with comments that I pushed the Narcissist to act this way. No, I was a great, caring and giving person. Everything I was accused of were only delusional and fake accusations of things I was supposedly doing that would come out of thin air to start an argumentative situation with toxic drama, silencing, and betrayal as my punishment – it was all part of managing me down or control.
The Narcissist uses a simple technique of manipulation to make and keep their target/victim compliant and that is WITHHOLDING. By not giving you what the Narcissist knows you want or desire from them (things that are normal to any relationship like simple reciprocity) they can make themselves feel powerful, important, and in total control. Here is a simple example of withholding: Think of two pups playing, one pup can be totally bored with their dog toy and about to put it down when he/she notices that the other pup wants it, then he/she plays “keep away” by keeping the toy to themselves or withholding it, even though they are bored with it or finished playing with it. That pup is exerting basic dominance through control and establishing itself as the ‘alpha dog’ or by withholding through knowing the other pup wants something they have. The Narcissist displays this negative behavior constantly throughout their relationship with you in very subtle to very overt ways. Over time this constant withholding establishes the Narcissist’s dominance over their target/victim. It is a process that has been preceded by their extreme attention and ‘love bombing’ to get you positively conditioned to trust and even love them, only to reposition us and start their abuse to extort every aspect of your life from you – especially YOUR individuality. Really with a Narcissist their behavior can be more aptly described as a three-year-old spoiled brat and not that of a fully-grown person.
Why do they do this? Because they want the whole world to revolve around them, to serve them, and SUPPLY all of their wants and needs, but anything you do WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH OR RIGHT! A Narcissist doesn’t give a ‘hoot’ about anything that concerns us, because it would embrace that we are an individual with needs, and the Narcissist sees individualism as abhorrent and against their every grain. It is “me, me, me and always ME” with a Narcissist. We are ONLY an object for them to use FREELY – and never think you are the ONLY object and special, because there are many other sources out there supplying them – that and we ALL have an expiration date with them! Knowledge is power, so we can break this cycle of abuse by blocking their attempts to manage us down into one of their objects. Stop allowing them to infiltrate your thoughts, with their toxic words and actions because NOTHING good will ever come out of ANY association with a Narcissist. Greg