The Narcissist’s façade and lies – where the truth is really a lie and their lies are really the truth.
The Narcissist’s Facades and Lies – An upside-down world where the truth is really a lie and the lie is really the truth.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
It is almost impossible to list the many damaging effects of emotional and psychological abuse and what it does to a normal, good, and loving person. Among some of the most common reactions to this abuse are overwhelming feelings of loss, helplessness, hopelessness, feeling worthless, confusion, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, fear, isolation, and fear of the here and now. These are extremely overpowering responses to emotional/psychological abuse. When you are experiencing abuse or living in it you can’t clearly see or understand the truth because the abuse distracts/disables you from living in a healthy reality! It also changes or distorts your perspective of life. I couldn’t see what was happening to me because the abuse distracted me from seeing the truth and the reality of my situation.
Abuse, at its very core, is really a horrific and powerful lie, but the sad reality of this abuse is that the lie seems to be the truth, and the truth we believe is the lie. That manipulation of the truth is a revolving and constant thought process directly related to the agenda of the abuser! But once you recognize and accept that there is abuse in your relationship the first powerful transformation takes place and healing begins. But beyond a doubt, it is easier to heal from the abuse if the relationship ends and no/minimal contact begins. I wouldn’t be where I am today as a survivor if I still carried my abuser’s daily manipulative words and sadistic actions on my shoulders and in my mind. Think of recovery as empowering yourself with the REAL truth to now make healthier choices for your well-being and becoming a viable individual again. The world is yours to conquer without all of those horrible monkeys on your back from the abuse.
So, the biggest and most distorted lie starts with the Narcissist being profoundly charming, caring and loving. They are doing this because it serves them or you have something they want which can lead to the huge ‘love bombing’ lie. The rest of the lies appear quite openly when the Narcissist’s mask slips and suddenly, they become totally unreliable and negative about everything YOU. Promises mean nothing, that amazing love means nothing, emotions mean nothing, love means nothing, and YOU mean nothing AND all because there was NOTHING there to begin with! That is the basis of this abuse or the disabling lies at every level of the relationship as well as the Narcissist’s phony facade! EVERYTHING is a lie to support that façade!
Through the course of the abuse you were targeted by many ‘attacks’ be it blatant and ugly assertions or accusations about you that completely made you lose your balance (like you are having an affair) or simpler ones to just consistently rattle you or undermine your well-being and catch you off guard. Then there can be the accusations designed to make you feel guilty not for something you are doing, but something you are NOT doing. These arguments make you feel obligated and reduce you to feeling GUILTY and even ashamed that YOU are not giving enough, believing enough, or doing enough. That is the Narcissist being a martyr with embellishments that insist you don’t love them anymore with a ‘because’ of some sort attached. These can be used to cover their backsides (diversions) when accountability comes into question like when you ask them where they were the night before. They guilt you to divert from the truth by saying that they can’t believe you would accuse them of something so horrific. You feel the desperate need to reassure them that you do love them, and you are so sorry and then try to make the Narcissist feel good. The Narcissist killed two birds with one stone, got away with some horrendous betrayal and had YOU apologizing to them. The bottom line is that you are always explaining yourself and reacting to the Narcissists many attempts to keep you under their control.
All of these situations are just variations of manipulative lies that constantly distort your reality. When it comes to the raging attacks, that is angry projection or the bully Narcissist acting out another diversion to control you. The Narcissist is deliberately attacking you with the objective of achieving CONTROL through fear and anger or basically maneuvering you into a conflict situation. The Narcissist wants to create an argument but also wants to be able to blame you for it afterwards. None of this is based on any sort of reality as it concerns you or something you have done and usually something the Narcissist has done to dump their shame onto you through projection. Again, the agenda is always about managing you down in some form or fashion! They use everything they can as some sort of diversion because this is their reality or better yet I should say their non-reality because there is nothing real about them except whatever they manipulate you (us) into believing – both the good and the bad. This is something we really have to reflect upon and actualize – they are not real and they use control to make us believe in them as well as to harm us. The bottom line is that WE have to discard this person completely from our life.
After this relationship ends there will be psychological, emotional, as well as personal issues that you will have to deal with. This abuse is not just about the horrendous things your abuser did to you because that is now the past and the abusive aspect. What you are having to face are the things that you unfortunately allowed to happen that have changed many of your perspectives concerning your belief system, thought processes, your worth, your mind and your heart. Now hear me out that this is not saying you accepted the abuse, you adapted in a damaging way to become functional where there was no real function for you in this relationship because it was a desperate love that you were conditioned into believing you didn’t deserve because there was something wrong with YOU! The abuse manipulated you and managed you down in such a manner that it basically brain-washed you as well as traumatized you in the process of trying to achieve a cohesive or loving relationship. You were reacting to the fear of loss that was imposed on you to conform or be forced out by the Narcissist – BUT – you were seduced into these beliefs by first believing this was SOME SORT OF LOVE. It doesn’t define you as weak, a fool, dumb or any of the above it is just a fact of what this abuse does. With all of that said what we are left with is a deep inner introspection we have to deal with or the process of becoming healthy again. The important thing here is what you will come to realize is that you have the ability to change and move forward after this abuse. Please trust me on this.
When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was an empty dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love that was based on what we grew up believing was love that this Narcissist played back to us. We have seen this love all around us growing up and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into believing AND they reacted like it was the real thing and they even pretended to love us back because THAT made their façade work! Every little thing that they did to reinforce it ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in – but this dream turned into our worst nightmare! This belief always kept us at that safe distance and blinded from what was really happening and away from all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us. Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay and disabled us a little bit more each and every day. At some point we must see the truth and accept it as well that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist.
The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging on to this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to move forward to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world. The person you were before was conned and the person you are now is still being conned and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real, but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game they played with you. Narcissists are made out of lies overlapping other lies to get at what they want from people and that is how we must look at them and leave them right there or within that very words that define them – LIARS and ABUSERS of life and people.
There are many internal messages that the abuse has imprinted on your mind and those messages are what are making you feel worthless, the problem, perhaps believing you have mental health issues, and many more things that are basically disabling your perception or the healthy reality you once had. These certain changes that took take place over the course of the abuse must be undone so you can become the person that you want to be, or the person you were before the abuse. The journey HAS to start with no/minimal contact. Greg