Why, why, why, why?? We NEED to know why, so here it is in simple and non-clinical words. (A little more affirmation to digest).
Why, why, why, why?? We NEED to know why, so here it is in simple and non-clinical words. (A little more affirmation to digest).
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
There are theories upon theories as they concern a Narcissist and what they are, what they feel, why they do what they do, can they be fixed, and all the other what’s and whys! What about what you feel now from having gone through a dehumanizing experience, and a destructive or devastating relationship with one, or you are a child to a Narcissist? What about ‘YOU’ instead of the Narcissist. This is where you HAVE to direct your energies, into your recovery and re-connecting with life.
You have put too much of ‘you’ into this fictitious and destructive character already and it got you to a horrific place in your life. You MUST internalize the truth about them to finalize the abuse or you will stay stuck in the cycle of remaining a target/victim to more and more of it WITH or WITHOUT them in your life. What would you NEED to finally make the connection that Narcissists do not have ANY emotional depth or reality and the image they presented to you was a HUGE vicious betrayal and con-job. They have ‘pretend’ emotions because everyone else in the world that they also live in has emotions – so they have to play ‘pretend’ to APPEAR to fit into OUR existence and get into our lives and heads. YES, you probably miss them, but seriously ask yourself WHAT IS IT THAT YOU MISS? Look at where you are because of your connection and answer that question honestly. You miss what you thought was real, but you don’t miss being abused and damaged and that is all you will ever get from your relationship with them!
A Narcissist’s shallow emotions are as real as a shark’s attempt to show emotion by saying they want to be your best friend because they are feeling a little bit lonely and they want to get to know you better. That shark will invite you over for dinner, drinks and some great chatting, but you won’t make it past dinner because you are intended to be dinner because that is the mechanics of that shark.
The Narcissist acts out in the same predatory manner that a shark does but with many disguises PERSONALIZED just for you to simply trick you into getting closer to them so they can essentially extort or devour your life. They do not feel any connection or empathy to honor you as a real person. With them there is no such thing as integrity, or a ‘give and take’ that is geared toward your rights or any normal or moral behavior AND especially as it concerns LOVE between two people. They want what they want and if you have it they pour out the emotions just as if you and the Narcissist fit together like puzzle pieces. Oh, they do know that ACTING morally correct is the thing to do and they understand every social rule, but they are disconnected from ‘right and wrong’ or the pain of remorse for having served themselves at the exclusion of other people’s rights. They abide by no rules, no laws or anything that restricts them from attaining their needs. These are the world’s biggest con artists that preach from their moral pulpits and then denigrate life in private. Definitely NOT want you want as ANY part of your amazing life!
Narcissists pretend they have feelings by mimicking behaviors that are all around them. Simply put the big ‘why’ is because they are predatory and NEED to camouflage themselves to fit in. If you think about it, whatever the reason a Narcissist is what they are, they have been born into a world where they MUST fit in with normal people. They NEED us to survive. Every aspect of their life involves interaction with other human beings. Nature at least affords us the opportunity to recognize a shark because it doesn’t look like us and has some veracious teeth that are there for one reason and that is to make an easy meal out of us. The shark stands its ground just by being what it is, an eating machine. The Narcissist creates the ground they stand on based on whatever they need to be to fit in amongst their prey and you NEVER see those vicious teeth until they are taking a bite out of your life. I believe that they should be call NARC-tortionist’s because they are an extortionist AND contortionist (or shape shifters, BUT the ‘con’ is aptly placed in the word too!)
They are acutely aware of their surroundings and they know emotions, or what YOU are feeling even if they can’t feel it themselves. They have observed people’s reactions to every specific emotion and know how to imitate it to get a desired response, even if they do not experience that emotion themselves. Just look back and understand how they were so amazingly adept at making you believe that they loved you and wanted you to be their life partner or whatever it took to con you into their abusive grip. Everybody that is reading this can’t deny that they believed in this Narcissist and what they were feeling WAS love. Nor can we deny that we learned the truth that they are very disordered and abused us. So, if you’re feeling sympathetic towards a Narcissist who hurt you, it’s likely because you were conditioned to feel this way, just like you were with the NEGATIVE things that this Narcissist ever did to you. They have to be adept at their mockery of life to achieve their needs by objectifying us and using what we have – WE ARE SUPPLY to this very needy creature – AMEN.
The Narcissists counts on your assumption and belief that he/she is the very real thing that you think or believe they are. That is what makes the relationship operative for them to extort their supply from OUR lives. They don’t ever change, and they have ALWAYS been this personality disordered and abusive person – all you have to do is ask all of their ex supply or spouses and see the trail of destruction they have left behind — and the pattern is right there. Look to the fact that their own biological children are also part of their grand scheme to lock a spouse in hook, line and sinker. Check the situation out after the fact and that Narcissist is doing everything in their power to avoid child support, using the court system to hide behind with more of their distorted lies and manipulation. Their children are there to use as a shield and DISGUISE as if the Narcissist is a great parent. Oh yes, they are always there for a picture or photo opportunity to publish on the internet but that is as deep as it goes with them. Everything they publicly display is just as much of a con job as is their love bombing is to any relationship. They wear their lies like clothing to hide the scared and repulsive monster that lives so near to the surface of their skin. They always have a small entourage of supporters and supply that will obey and adore the Narcissist like puppets.
Narcissists get us to feel love for them without reciprocating a real loving response in return. It seems like they are loving us back, but they are reflecting our very emotions right back onto us and into us and this is as deep as it goes. They will get us to feel sorry for THEIR victimization without reciprocal sorrow or any remorse when they completely victimize us. They exploit people’s emotions, manipulate their feelings, pretend they are feeling creatures when they aren’t. They make you dance with them, but they are ALWAYS leading their partner in the dance with lies and deceit. The Narcissist becomes intimately familiar with all of your loving and emotional spots and knows the correct buttons to push to gain your trust and admiration to fulfill a deceptive agenda.
They EXPLOIT your precious human emotions to make themselves seem human. They use this information to establish a strong foundation to create what seems like an intimate and healthy relationship. And again as to the ‘why’ because they are biologically the same as you and I and they NEED the same things that you and I need like air, food, water, human bonding, sexual attention, money and everything else but they are not a fully functioning human being. Put that shark I spoke of next to you (with its mouth wired shut) and it still couldn’t successfully fit into any aspect of your life and achieve even one these needs and survive in your world BECAUSE it is a terrifying and hungry predator and THAT is all it knows. The shrewd Narcissist just cleverly disguises themselves by fitting in and becoming the best little boys or girls in the world! Just a quick note and some of my bad humor, Narcissists should also have their mouths wired shut because their words are poisonous, and they are just as destructive and deadly as that shark’s teeth! Communication is their tool to manipulating, lying, controlling and extorting their prey.
Seriously this is all the depth there is to them and this is all we really have to understand about them – BUT unfortunately they triggered something in us that makes us attached to them at the hip and THAT IS LOVE. They conquered us with this single word (and imitating all of the required actions to support it) so we are right there with them and believing they are real. Because we have real emotions we supported every aspect of this love. They don’t have emotions to support it back with us and this is what fails them AND us. They want what they want, they play the game, but it is short lived because they lack the necessary mechanics to give back. They get bored easily because they feel no human emotions or feelings to connect to us, but they are in it as long as they can fulfill their every need and they exhaust everything we have and then they continue on to the next target/victim. They are protecting themselves from exposure, so combine those two elements (their needs and their extreme manipulation to fulfill them) and this Narcissist becomes a raging lunatic if you should ‘out’ them. They keep up the charade, rages and all, but they throw us a little bone to snare us back once again and then manage us down to make us feel worthless and thus disabling more of our reality. Remember if their true inner self was transparent to the world they would be rejected, writher away and die.
Hindsight unfortunately is 20/20 as they say, so you have to experience their deception and abuse to understand exactly what I just said. It is definitely not something anyone should experience because the destruction reaches the very core of your heart, soul and mind.
We have to remember and ACTUALIZE this truth about their mechanics just like we understand the predatory shark. If you think back to the Narcissist’s behaviors and unrequited love they professed, well you also knew something was not quite right. We couldn’t put our finger on it, but we knew something was off and WRONG. Their performance was always overly exaggerated or just plain flat, but it was never just quite right. BUT you always responded by caring and loving them more and they returned it with more abuse – that is subjugation, dehumanization and torture when all is said and done.
This is all we need to know to move forward and that is understanding the real reason we were abused. Put the blame where the blame needs to reside and that is with the Narcissist. Forget finding a magic cure for your Narcissist. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck it more than likely is a duck. If it lies, if it cheats, if it extorts, if it manipulates, if it betrays, if it brain-washes, if it wears a thin suit of morality it isn’t that duck, it is a Narcissist. We HAVE to accept this reality to move forward to our recovery (and I know I keep repeating this.) We have to do this for clarity and to feel healthy enough to reestablish the real life we once had and to become happy once more. We have to fall out of the blinding and binding love with this creature and throw those emotions away just as quickly as the Narcissist did to us.
Chart a course through new oceans and to new lands – and yes there will be these nasty sharks still swimming all around you, but you will learn how to navigate through the treacherous waters with new boundaries, but your goal is to find your way back to safe land and get your feet firmly placed back into a real life by moving away from their control. This can only be accomplished through breaking the spell (that love) and denying its existence every single time it sends you a twinge to want it back. What you will always get back is more abuse and lost time. You have the ability to change but you must overcome every single thought that will return you to that bad place where you think this love was real, it wasn’t it was ABUSE. There is real love out there and you have the ability to find it again because you are strong and awesome, and you are here TODAY to prove it. Slam that door shut and lock it forever. You deserve real love, dignity, and a life free of chaos. No/minimal contact is the ONLY way out. Greg