How did we get pulled into this desperate relationship?
HOW did we get pulled into this desperate relationship?
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
The Narcissist idealizes his/her victim for a while – just like “courting” in the ‘old’ days. This “courting” period is the most important aspect of the “big con” that the Narcissist is creating personally for us – it is an investment for them. The Narcissist brings out the best in their target AND mirrors our good qualities back onto us. This could be the very reason why we think our Narcissist is so AMAZING — because he/she is mirroring our belief system, our code of ethics, our every like and dislike, our morality, and they even become a part of our family and circle of friends – they SEEM to be a dream come true. Unfortunately, the dream swiftly turns into a nightmare. We are only seeing ourselves being reflected back to us as if the Narcissist has everything in common with our life. These character traits are nonexistent in the Narcissist and this is an insidious betrayal on their part to gain our trust through pretending to be real, as well as faking one of the most beautiful emotions LOVE (which comes with our undying trust), so they can extort our lives and twist our minds/emotions to destroy what they can.
Normal love is a strong emotion that we build up to, but once there we hand our heart AND our trust over unconditionally to this person because usually they reciprocate in the same manner and that is what starts the journey, but with a Narcissist it is a death sentence. Everybody pursues a relationship at some point in their life because it is part of the human condition and normally we can identify the ‘jerks’ but a Narcissist is a predator and seamless with their game and pursuit and the ‘love bombing’ is the bait they use to be successful in making us a source of supply. This is not being foolish, allowing this abuse, wanting it, being weak or any of the above – it was horrendous manipulation at the hands of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that had an agenda AND still does.
Remember a Narcissist’s survival is dependent on finding constant sources of supply and really a matter of life and death as far as they are concerned. It is like going to a doctor to have surgery, and you just trust that this really is a doctor that will have your best interests and health in mind. You have met the doctor, the doctor has been part of your community and seems functional, so you go through with the surgery because you believe this doctor is REAL. Narcissists usually come across as functioning and ‘normal’ people too and you would think that the world would know what a fraud they really are, but the Narcissist carefully keeps their past well hidden. I did realize the truth of my situation, but what conspired between the love bombing and when I finally figured out the truth was dehumanizing and disabling psychological abuse. Giving a Narcissist credit that they are NOT cognitive of their actions is like enabling any other criminal that has acted out against the law and dehumanized another person with their actions. Narcissists are psychological rapists pure and simple and they need to be made accountable for their crimes!
You will come out of this. You will form new and strong boundaries. You will reflect on your own inner conflicts and resolve them. You will grow with the knowledge that there are bad people out there that can and will destroy you. You will learn to differentiate the reality of good and bad in life and seek out the goodness in others and return it naturally as it should be. You will find what is important in life and live with an inner peace from knowing this horrid adversity. It is a life changing reality when someone psychologically rapes and terrorizes your mind. It is an unnecessary evil, but you now realize it exists in your world and you will protect yourself at all costs from returning to this monster or allowing a similar monster into your life. It all starts with no/minimal contact to break the chain around your neck! It also requires that you accept the reality of a Narcissist and NEVER return to them in AANY manner as in trying to figure them out, understand them, and feel a need to help them or associate with anything that concerns them. Put all of that away so you can put positive energy into yourself and your recovery! No/minimal contact to break the cycle of this abuse. Greg