Perspective and clarity about this abuse and recovery.
Understanding the process with PERSPECTIVE and CLARITY tp move forward and heal.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
With abuse we mourn the loss of reality in our life, along with dreams, memories, time together, small laughs and shared experiences. We mourn the loss of our life as if a part of us was suffocated or died from this hideous abuse. Our emotional/psychological scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us, BUT we must move forward, become healthy, and join life once again!
What will become one of the strongest esteem building tools in OUR arsenal is the power that comes from EMOTIONALLY removing ourselves from the abuse because “we get it” and we are empowered by the truth and we now create something called ‘silence.’ This silence is called NO/minimal CONTACT born out of the NEED to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally from a disordered and dangerous Narcissist. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation and the fastest way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way they can because this is what they do! They choose the perfect timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they also enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to us and crush it to diminish us, erase us, and bring us down. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don’t realize this until it is/was too late! We will undergo many changes in our ways of thinking about our situations and life in general and a very painful change of our expectations. Basically, we have experienced the nearest thing to evil that we will ever have the unfortunate and hideous opportunity to ever experience again.
OK so now we’re faced with ourselves and YIKES to this. Our self-esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, and we are starting out on a journey we never expected we would be on. Out of the ashes comes some harsh reality. We may be ashamed to admit our partners were abusive and mentally disordered or Malignant Narcissists, BECAUSE WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT US. People will find our stories too incredulous to believe so a new level is added to the grief we are already experiencing. We may find we are care givers or nurturers who give and give until it hurt. Maybe we were naïve and vulnerable and easily deceived because we were at a bad time in our life. We may have addictive behaviors or a very high a tolerance for bad behavior, maybe overloaded with beautiful empathy. We may learn we were raised in homes we once thought as normal to find we were preconditioned to accepting toxic/abusive or even addictive behaviors, or we look the other way because we grew up always looking the other way. We may find we have our own personality defect, disorders, or issues. BUT that is all OK because we need to understand ourselves as part of the recovery.
As we learn about this abuse we do learn a lot about ourselves too. OK so ‘it is what it is’ and now we must move forward by first understanding that no matter what the situation is about us personally, NOBODY deserves to be abused and never and I mean NEVER blame yourself for this abuse. This self-reflection is a new opportunity to grow by understanding the process of abuse and by no means a reason or justification for the abuse you experienced. Let it be a guide to help you grow from this terrible experience and use it as part of the education to create a process to make yourself whole again and strong. Remember if you blame yourself or accept some theory that says you are responsible for this then you are only blaming yourself like the Narcissist did and essentially abusing yourself by saying that you are an unhealthy person and have always been that way and deserved this. Get healthy first after this horrendous experience – and with a healthy mind you will make the necessary changes and create the healthy boundaries you need.
SO let’s remember this with the ‘no contact’ situation, our involvement with them causes a temporary confusion of our otherwise good judgment. We need this time to learn, gain perspective, and heal ourselves. This is our perfect opportunity to learn and grow in many unforeseen ways. We all need to accept ownership of any mistakes we may have made along the way. AGAIN, if we must make contact because of legal/custody arrangements, discuss absolutely nothing else. Don’t allow an abuser to bait you and NEVER negotiate with them or you will be dragged back into the darkness of their abuse. Greg