Who and what they are.
Who and what are they? Narcissists are VERY convincing and polished liars and EVERYTHING that they have told you was a LIE. This was the PRISON the Narcissist used to hold you captive AND It was built from all of those lies, both the POSITIVE endearing ‘I Love You Lies’ and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control and devalue you that took your worth away and erased your personality.
From my Book – Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
So to start, you have to actualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame and everything bad and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to control and debilitate you or imprison you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you right in the abuse and behind those same bars and in that same prison.
As convincing as the Narcissist in your life was about their love for you it had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others AND all lies to bring their agenda to extort supply to fruition. In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you had to surrender your identity and all of your power and control over to them. You handed over your life when you handed them your heart. That predator knew that if they conquered your heart then they had you where they wanted you. You became a slave to their needs and your only purpose was to enhance and embellish the Narcissist’s false image, take care of those needs, and accept their self-serving abuse. That prison they used to keep you captive was built from all of those lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually destroy you. Of course, none of this is ever presented to us within the real truth of just how disordered and damaging they really are because the Narcissist creates this extreme façade and uses manipulation AND THOSE LIES to con you into trusting them implicitly with THREE very thoughtful and well placed and deceptive words – ‘I Love You!’ They take you from Charm to Harm!
There is no “one” real person inside of the Narcissist that is fully functioning or normal but instead there are MANY made up facsimiles of people they imitate to cover up their dark reality to give them the ability to gain access into the lives of normal and healthy people. They are biologically human beings with needs, and they look like us and basically even act like us, BUT they do not THINK like we do. Seems complicated so how do they do it? When they meet you, they will carefully access so many parts of your life and morph right into your twin – and WOW you have so much in common. SO, it naturally follows that there is no proper internal mechanism that exists or functions as it relates to a Narcissist having a normal and functioning ‘personality’ that can relate in a healthy manner with the outside world and the people in it so basically the WHOLE relationship is based on manipulation to serve their agenda. The reality that seems to exist (and I am very loosely using that word reality) is a thin veneer or skin that is like a mask or costume they CREATE with those lies to manipulate people to fall for their life scam. Their façade is very interchangeable as well, so it completely fools the rest of the world and protects the Narcissist from being EXPOSED as dark, envious, and the loathsome person that they are. This basically encapsulates the personality disordered and the truth about them as they relate to people and the world.
You have probably heard this many times and I will repeat it once more – they are like a chameleon that is able to change the color of its skin to match its environment and they are amazingly adept at this. The Narcissist disengages or detaches from their dark inner self and recreates an image to wear for the public or their immediate world. This image is constantly projected to essentially allow themselves to ‘fit in.” Of course, it is a good and likeable image that is very interchangeable AND even described as very charming but remember it was designed to camouflage themselves – and there you have it a different person for every different ‘need’. Unfortunately, what is hidden under that façade is a very dangerous individual. Personally, I would describe them as pathologically seductive because in reality they are con artists that are after something they need. That ‘need’ is usually to trick their targets and use them as ‘Narcissistic Supply’ and just a major component of their survival. Basically, their functioning image is the biggest lie that this extortionist uses in their arsenal of deceit or ABUSE. They compartmentalize people to fit the many different and exacting needs they have that is personalized for each of us. Remember Narcissists are in every facet of life – be it a family member, a friend, a co-worker, perhaps a priest or preacher, attorney, doctor, next door neighbor, etc. Also remember that supply isn’t just limited to romantic relationships – if you have something they need or want, or they can better their social status by being in your company, or benefit by an association with you, they will be right there at your side getting whatever they are after. Once it is gotten they are gone and if you ever tried to make them accountable – YOU are gone as well.
So, there is no real person there just a needy void looking for a surrogate to supply them what they cannot achieve on their own and that would be you and I – now that is pretty messed up! The relationship with yourself, or the one that requires a conscience, morals, empathy, a soul, etc., is a pretty important relationship to be lacking COMPLETELY, and pretty much a requirement or prerequisite to be a functioning human being and living life NORMALLY as well as interacting with others. If you don’t relate to your own self or your life in a healthy matter, how can you relate to anyone else in a ‘healthy manner OR any manner for that matter?’ JUST MY POINT – a Narcissist lacks the mechanisms needed to be a ‘fully functioning human being’ so they invent what they need as they go along in life and we play along or join in unknowingly with their toxic and destructive game while they run off with all the goods. With a Narcissist it is purely pathological in nature and basically EVERYONE is here to supply them OR fulfill their every need, be it financially as in a career, sexually to fulfill their physical needs, familial so ‘they’ have a proper ‘face’ to appear ‘normal, moral and ethical’, friends to help them shore up their façade and believe their ‘lies’, or whatever they can harvest and use from people to fill in the huge VOID that they are. None of us serve anything more OR are more than a “bit part” in the Narcissist deranged and disordered life. We function to serve a specified need the Narcissist has at a specific time, AND they have multiple relationships going on to secure all the supply they can get – but we are none the wiser!
A Narcissist lacks all social skills/graces in the most extreme ways because underneath their ‘seductive’ façade, they don’t honor any human rights, respect individuality, or obey any written law. They live life in an extremely pathological and abusive manner. They imitate a functioning human being and take everything they want and need through some extreme and manipulative methods. They also get bored easily with their conquests SINCE they lack the mechanisms to form healthy bonds (and decisions), so they STRAY very easily to keep the excitement and adulation flowing in their world. Now it is bad enough they are life’s extortionist, but they also seem to envy and loathe all healthy loving people that would dare express their individuality, question them or demand accountability, so they lose their patience with us quickly and psychologically attack our minds in an effort to destroy our life as we know it – and if that doesn’t succeed they will just smear our integrity behind our backs. Remember they are also very protective with their big secret or lie about themselves – so if you catch on they are ready and loaded with an attack on your integrity that can literally destroy your life. Hmmm, it seems like they are very aware of what they are doing to always have a counteroffensive ready.
Like any other toxic bully, you have to disengage from the Narcissist COMPLETELY because if you don’t they will only attack you in unimaginable ways to destroy your COMPLETE integrity as well as your life. They have to win the battle they have with life, people and essentially the WHOLE world! You will ‘seemingly’ end up being the crazy one and the abuser because they will make you out to be everything bad/wrong just like a psycho bully would react to remove any blame from themselves and pass it onto you, basically their back-stabbing and smear campaign. Not a very pretty package at all. Just always remember, you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong to deserve this because they don’t function like other human beings. They don’t even have a clue what liking, caring or LOVING is so they live without it by pretending they know it, but you CAN’T pretend to love especially when you have no morals and it catches up with the Narcissist very quickly because they are so ‘out of control’ and careless.
Narcissists relate to other human beings as objects. You know objects, the things to use and ab-use for self-serving purposes. Things that have no rights, things that are inanimate, things that have no feelings. Perhaps a good example would be like a tool that performs a certain function, and we are just one of MANY of these “tools” that they USE.
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the time they spent with us or anybody is never a ‘relationship’, but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” malignant Narcissism or that this is emotional and psychological abuse. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings JUST for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep questioning or blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault.
You are always wondering whether it is you, or it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, it is the Narcissist that is literally the ‘crazy one’ or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive, AND psychologically abusive to anyone that has any sort of connection with them. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and Narcissists do it every waking moment of their lives. Knowledge is power so educating yourself to completely understand this abuse is the first step to getting your healthy mind back and starting out on your road to recovery – well that and no/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg