Circular conversations – one of the Narcissist’s favorite tools to use.
Those circular conversations that are meant to throw us off the scent of the REAL truth with a Narcissist.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
There is NEVER a reality-based conversation with a Narcissist – but there is diversion, lies, word salads, circular conversations that lead nowhere, double-standards – or basically control to keep us on the other side of the truth and explaining OURSELVES always!
A little example to explain what it is like just having a NORMAL conversation with a Narcissist – yet alone any fact-based conversations! If you say the sky is blue the Narcissist will somehow negate the possibility of it being blue to make you wrong. The Narcissist may even hint that you have certain psychological issues concerning your thoughts about the sky being blue. The Narcissist will back it up with concerns that your friends, family, or associates have over your ‘wild allegations’ of the sky being BLUE. Then the Narcissist will accuse you of having an affair and using your story of the ‘blue sky’ as a diversion tactic to trick THEM. Finally, that Narcissist will employ punishment and the silent treatment because of your argumentative views, lies and betrayal concerning your ‘blue sky’ story. The Narcissist then runs out to find a little extra supply on the side to betray you since they now have some ‘free time’ after the chaotic and wild ‘blue sky’ story. After a day or so they WILL come back and tell you that IN FACT the sky is blue as if the issue over the blue sky never even came up at all, and you may even get flowers, or dinner, BUT you end up paying for them as usual! OH – and they will tell you that they were taking care of a sick relative and that is why you didn’t hear from them for that day or so that they disappeared. Do we call this denial on the Narcissist’s part that they are just this delusional or are they just denying us access to them using all of these crazy and chaotic’ diversions that deflect us away from the truth about them, so they can get away with everything and anything? I would say ALL of the above! All because we mentioned the sky was blue – but NEVER expect them to agree unless there is something in it for THEM.
So, the reality – the Narcissist will throw a pathological spin onto communication to divert reality and cause chaos so it fulfills whatever the Narcissist’s agenda is at the moment. This agenda is many things, but basically to get their way through ANY situation through CONTROL – be it lying, diversion, manipulation, charming, etc. It is all done to support their false mask/persona and avoid the truth about who and what they are AND to keep us off-balance and confused.
It took me a while to understand just how this worked because I was always in this fog and walking on those eggshells. In my personal experience the Narcissist would divert from every aspect of their life/lifestyle – everything was always a mystery as far as the past and present. Let me put it this way – everything was MEANT to be kept this way so I would never learn the truth about this Narcissist’s abusive past, out-of-control lifestyle, as well as a perverted lifestyle. Any time I would speak to this Narcissist’s mother I would find out about something that this Narcissist had lied about, AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK because the truth just always seemed to come out on its own. So, you can imagine just how much this Narcissist was lying, re-writing history and every other little diabolical action. I was always kept at a distance from the Narcissist’s family and friends, but of course told that I never made an attempt to get to know them. They have an answer to everything – again always diverting from reality to keep us at arm’s length from the truth or in a constant state of confusion/chaos.
Their agenda ALWAYS includes manipulating/punishing the target/victim into believing that anything bad or wrong they have been questioning concerning the Narcissist was all our overactive imagination and basically we are confused, have issues, jealous or paranoid and this is why they have to get away from us. We stress them out AND they are concerned how we are showing signs or issues around our INABILITY to see reality as it concerns them being saintly, moral, good, or basically perfect. Remember it is the Narcissist re-writing history and lying behind that mask, so beyond the pathological and cowardly aspect of that betrayal process, the Narcissist wants to get the most out of their manipulation skills by trying to make us believe we DO HAVE ISSUES around our own mental stability too – it’s all for the ‘their cause’ that protects their disordered and perverted lifestyle they live and we SUPPORT. No/minimal contact to end the cycle of this debilitating and destructive abuse. Knowledge is power, so we gain the clarity to move forward. Greg