There is NEVER communication with a Narcissist – it is a weapon they use to con people!
There is NO communicating with a Narcissist. They only use their words to manipulate, divert from the truth (lie), distress people, manipulate, confuse people, harm people, con people, control, or anything that SERVES THEM.
From my Book: Greg Zaffuto – Author – from Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist
They simply bait you with many conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down and keep you confused. Just with a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you or even mocking you. They are gaging your reactions to see just how far they can push. They want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell you to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist. Think of it like this, it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you in the face and then gets angry at YOU for reacting to that punch!
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation – basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This sucks you RIGHT BACK IN and when they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist hones in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well!
Through these delusional blame games you really get to see a variety of their different personas and their CONTROL mechanism working together. If you start to pull away because you are sick of their abuse and lies, they will jump right back into the idealization phase (love bombing) and throw you a few bones to lure you back into their abuse. Promises will start again, ones that make you believe that there is a REAL future with them, be it marriage, moving in together, or even the possibility of having children – whatever it takes, and I experienced them all. If that doesn’t work, they will start acting out in a very cruel manner and purposely attack your integrity or the very things that they once pretended to admire or ‘idealize’ about you. You will only be left wondering who is standing in front of you spewing out this nonsense and poison – IT IS A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. Their omnipotent persona is imploding all around them and you are wounding them, and they are struggling to regain control over you once again, but it is always a dirty fight with them. If the wound is deep enough, they will run with their tails between their legs as mine did. The truth was too obvious, and I saw the real face underneath that mask and it was just too horrendous to deal with, so I turned away completely and gained my perspective and sanity back.
A little clarity of why we hang on: We live with so much disappointment that what we feel is only relief when they do something decent even as small as it is, and this is what they have conditioned us into accepting. There is no decency in their actions, everything is done in a manner to serve an agenda where they are ALWAYS on the receiving end. A narcissist conditions you to become grateful for their presence in your life and they do NOT reciprocate or appreciate you as a person, you are a servant to them or supply and they have many servants! You pay dearly for every small gesture with your life. Once they have depleted everything they can, they are done with you and will throw you away like you are garbage. You ARE basically garbage to them and they will constantly treat you that way after the discard. They will make sure that your integrity is also thrown into the garbage heap when they smear you in the end! These are delusional and destructive creatures and we must internalize this and get completely away from them and NEVER try to relate to their world! They will just create a new world for themselves and ABUSE again. In this new world their past doesn’t have the opportunity to catch up with the present BUT it (their destructive past) is there looking over their shoulder and one day it WILL catch up to the Narcissist!
You would be better off communicating with a brick wall because at least it will not harm you in the process. Words and actions from a Narcissist are all part of their façade/agenda – none of which have ANY basis of reality and only meant to manipulate/control people and situations to THEIR advantage. Unfortunately we try to communicate at the only level we know and understand – and that is with humanity, empathy, understanding, integrity, and honesty – none of which is familiar to a Narcissist. No/minimum contact to end the madness and the abuse. Greg