A Narcissist’s actions or intent NEVER match up with their words.
By truly observing the Narcissist’s chaotic word games, blaming, re-CHARMING, etc., you get to see a variety of their different personas working together with a push/pull agenda in mind aimed directly at controlling YOU. If you start to pull away because you are sick of the confusion, lies, manipulation and abuse, they will jump right back into the idealization phase (love bombing) and throw you a few bones to lure you back into their abuse. Promises will start again, ones that make you believe that there is a REAL future with them, be it friendship, a relationship, or even a better family connection – whatever it takes, and personally I experienced them all. If that doesn’t work, they will start acting out in a very cruel manner and purposely attack your integrity or the very things that they once pretended to admire or ‘idealize’ about you. You will only be left wondering who is standing in front of you spewing out this nonsense and poison – IT IS A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST. If you disallow their chaos and crazy-making that omnipotent persona starts imploding all around them because you are wounding them, and they are struggling to regain control over you once again, but it is always a dirty fight with them. If the wound is deep enough, they will run with their tails between their legs as mine did BUT with a smear campaign to keep attacking your integrity. The truth was too obvious, and I saw the real face underneath that mask and it was just too horrendous to deal with, so I turned away completely and gained my perspective and sanity back at all costs.
At times, we can AND do end up feeling bad for them (our natural empathy kicking in) even when they have done something so horrendous to us, so we stray, get lost and end up getting caught up in the cycle of returning to them. We sort of see it as the ‘in’ or opportunity to TRY to bond with them because we believe there is something about them that our care or love can fix, because they DO care/love us, don’t they? Once they have successfully averted your attention BACK to them, everything will return to the way it was because there is never CHANGE with a Narcissist because there is not a real person residing there. What goes along with this is that there is never a deep relationship or deep bond with them whatsoever, nor will there ever be one because they are not fully functioning human beings. A Narcissist cannot friend, care or love an ‘individual’ because they can’t tolerate individuality and need control over us. We can’t be anything but what we are and that is an ‘individual’ so there was never anything but the reality of our eventual discard. It threatens their omnipotence or better yet exposing the truth once we realize the relationship is one sided when our real needs are constantly ignored in favor of their needs. This is when we actualize the truth that this isn’t friendship, care, or love – and in the end you are left with nothing but pain and extreme loss!
Let’s go a little further to understand this. We live with so much disappointment that what we feel is only relief when they do something decent even as small as it is, and this is what they have conditioned us into accepting. There is no decency in their actions, everything is done in a manner to serve an agenda where they are ALWAYS on the receiving end. A Narcissist conditions you to become grateful for their presence in your life and they do NOT reciprocate or appreciate you as a person, you are a servant to them or supply and they have many servants! You pay dearly for every small gesture with your life. Once they have depleted everything they can, they are done with you and will throw you away like you are NOTHING. You ARE basically nothing to them and they will constantly treat you that way after the discard. They will make sure that your integrity is also thrown into the garbage heap when they smear you in the end! These are delusional and destructive creatures and we must internalize this and get completely away from them and NEVER try to relate to their world or EVER give them another chance! They will just create a new world for themselves and ABUSE over and over again with each and every target/victim. In their move forward to new supply their past doesn’t have the opportunity to catch up with the present because they shore it up with more lies to their newest target. BUT their destructive past is there looking over their shoulder and one day it WILL catch up to the Narcissist and that keeps the Narcissist on their toes constantly trying to bury that destructive past! No/minimum contact to end the madness and the abuse.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist