Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist. It is like the Narcissist purposely punches you and then gets angry at YOU for reacting to that hurtful punch – but they throw their punches directly at our hearts and minds to inflict emotional and psychological damage!
It is YOUR fault no matter what, and you DIDN’T do anything to deserve this treatment – BLAME is integral to their devaluation and throwing you off balance as well as getting YOU to react. Alternatively, you must also ACCEPT their every deception/discretion or else they will find somebody else to serve them (threats or tactical abuse for sure). They have an arsenal of tools to cover everything they need to divert from accepting any responsibility for their actions that includes always blaming you and raging at you for daring to question their right to complete freedom to do everything they want to do. Normally they just lie to cover up their perverted world but on the other hand the Narcissist has a strict set of rules that you must follow and that includes your COMPLETE dedication to them, and you must NEVER betray them as they consistently do to you. You ARE the normal one here that has integrity, morality, empathy and love. That defines you and you don’t need any rules to follow because all of this comes naturally to you. The Narcissists erodes these rules and wants you to believe that you are the very opposite of your valuable belief system! They also PLAY on your empathy because they know we are also forgiving beings and they use that to the fullest advantage.
So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert from their actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions – dysfunctional justification. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and DIVERSION.
Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive and switch the conversation away from them to avert all responsibility, accountability, AND THE TRUTH. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are, the Narcissist has to SHAME/BLAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions, and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They MUST respond because and admonish YOU because they can’t just sit there and allow blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as a reality of who you are – this is CONTROL with chaos in the mix to drive the point home. You are not any of this! No/minimal contact is the ONLY way! Greg
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between with a Narcissist