There is no such thing as individuality with a Narcissist it is all about THEM!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
I want to educate, describe and give some insight about some of the typical ways a Narcissist maintains their ‘center of the universe’ agenda or omnipotence. How they ‘operate’ as well as some of their manipulative reactions to distort our reality through blaming, shaming, drama, invalidating, making fun of your insecurities, and sharing secrets with others to triangulate and make you out to be the biggest piece of ‘poo’ in the world to build themselves up. This is all categorized as their manipulative CRAZY MAKING!
They will fake or imitate sincerity, caring, and honor under the guise of good intentions with an agenda to GET SOMETHING from you or anybody – they take us from CHARM to HARM.
They blame and blame some more and then blame again, NEVER taking personal responsibility for anything they do wrong which is most everything because their needs and desires can basically be described as out-of-control and they do NOT care who they harm in the process of getting what they want!
They are HIGH maintenance creatures because they need your constant attention, praise, and deference to all of their whims, fancies and needs without a single consideration to any of your needs. Deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true destructive nature through raging and attacks!
They COMPLETELY lack all empathy, so they just don’t care who they harm, use, or abuse! It doesn’t matter if it is you, me, their mother/father, brother/sister, biological children, friends, senior citizens, husband/wife, the pastor/priest, law enforcement officials, and judges – get the point they will psychologically ABUSE everybody to GET THEIR WAY!
They may put on a great show, even smile, hug you, OR even ask how you are, but seriously they are not interested about you as a living and breathing person, yet alone an individual that shares this planet with them – you are only supply and they WANT something! Think of them as a trained parrot saying, “Pauley wants a cracker” but with them it is more aptly described as “Narcissist wants some supply.” There is no meaning behind the words with Pauley or the Narcissist, it is just a learned behavior to get something they want.
If you ever dare point out one of their many flaws or an error they made, they will strike out at you in a poisonous and defensive mode like a snake. They will counter any notion with anger, venting, rage, silencing, ignoring you with a cold shoulder, or abandon you as DUE punishment.
They will create some amazing and exciting plans, but rarely will make them happen. They want you to anticipate their generosity, but they will never offer anything more than the empty words. It is all ‘make believe’ or better yet “manipulating you to believe.” Basically, it is a ploy to make you believe they are giving and caring. Ask them about those non-existent plans and they will turn it around on you saying you just never seemed interested, or they never said this or that, etc.
They will shift blame onto you to purposely make you feel defensive, then they will belittle and devalue you for being defensive, saying you are ‘an angry person’ or over-reacting by taking everything so personally. Since they do this so seamlessly, they always keep you in a place of insecurity and confused or walking on those eggshells. They totally invalidate your ability to have any opinion as far as it concerns their words AND actions! You are always frozen in place to deflect the truth of what they are, AND they will keep you there forever trying to only please them until you stop believing.
They will help you out in some manner but make you feel indebted for the little thing they have done, AND they will keep reminding you of it! It invalidates the bigger picture of all that YOU have done for them.
They are psychotic story tellers, braggers, brow-beaters, psycho-bullies, arrogant, big-headed, con-artists, and one enormous lie.
Whatever they may do to help you out, they will make you feel beholden to them FOREVER. But they are never appreciative or even acknowledge any help you give – they will even find some way to negate whatever you do for them.
They are extremely skilled at making and distorting your reality with their words, actions and manipulations basically conditioning you to crave their constant approval or become dependent on them.
They build you up then knock you down. They will make you feel loved and very special, then they emotionally distance themselves from you to keep you unsure of the relationship and your reality.
They are a mishmash of behaviors and actions that they have harvested from different people they met at different times in their life. All of their ideas or ways of behaving in any given situation are stolen from others, people they know or perhaps think of as an authority or special. They morph into these qualities like an actor memorizing their role in a play or a movie because they do not have their own ‘normal’ reality.
They push your buttons like an elevator, with constant ‘ups and downs’ to keep you off-balance blameworthy OR the very opposite of this with positive compliments to lock you back up into the cycle of abuse.
They groom you with subtle to extreme manipulation with a combination of charm and rage (harm) to keep you controlled.
Their sense of omnipotence and self-importance (extreme neediness) means that they will manage down the conversations of others and bring it back onto themselves. Whatever you were discussing that may have been personal and important always turns around into a subject that concerns THEM, and your words are lost forever and diminished.
They are PATHOLOGICAL liars, using all forms of lies to deceive. To quote a friend of mine, “If they are breathing, they are lying!”
They treat people as servants and expect them to do mundane things or always pay their way, since they feel so deserving and too important to do them. They manage people down to be more of a servant to them without a voice.
They constantly use “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk because they are the most important thing in the world – it is ALWAYS about them. To go a step in the same direction, it is always “me, myself, and I” and never ever “we” unless they need something, so they manipulate you once more to believe in the “we.”
You will very rarely if ever hear them talk about their innermost thoughts, life, memories, or dreams, because there are none that are real and personal to them – they will LIE and make up situations to create a false image of their extreme goodness and amazing life. For example – they will pose in a picture with their biological children as if they are such a real participant in their world when they just happened to be in a situation where their spouse did ALL of the work and the Narcissist poses for the photo opportunity only but did NOTHING real to support the spouse’s efforts in raising them.
They remain at a childlike level of maturity where there is never any growth – there is no operable maturity in their thinking and they ACT like a spoiled 3-year-old.
They express fake empathy and use it as a tool that they con unsuspecting targets into their lair of darkness. They preach at that pulpit of respectability and morality where there is NONE in reality.
They only “give to get” by being nice or helpful expecting reciprocation. Always an agenda to get or take something as supply.
They present themselves as “having it all together or being on top of the world” never showing or divulging their many failures, weaknesses AND true darkness!
They shift to a defensive mode and/or rage very frequently when they feel threatened or are made accountable for their deceptive manner. This is a HUGE control mechanism to keep you in a subservient place or role in their lives!
They apologize, but it is ALWAYS shallow and never means there will be a real change in the bad behavior they were called on, it just means they are reeling you back to abuse you more for supply!
They deflect or run from their own problems rather than addressing them responsibly AND just blame someone else in the world. It is always YOUR fault that they did what they did!
They will demand your trust rather than earning it – and they will never be transparent enough for you to see any of their real qualities only the fake ones they create to shore up their ‘good’ image. They KNOW that they aren’t real enough to trust, so they always deflect to hide what they really are.
They see you as an extension of themselves, an object to use, you are never an individual and they will resist your every attempt at freedom from being a source of supply.
They re-write history, create incredulous and false stories, euphemisms, make up their own rules and laws but obey none. Their truth is completely FALSE!
They always talk about themselves to stay in control – our role is that of an entity like a mirror where they can stroke their ego through the false image they reflect onto us!
They find all of your weaknesses and exploit them to make you feel vulnerable AND they will use them against you by always pointing them out.
They honor NO personal boundaries and rarely listen or respect your “No.”
They will easily take advantage of others to reach their own goals without giving their actions a second thought. There is absolutely NO empathy in their world.
They will take or steal whatever they want from you or anybody. What is yours is theirs (without asking!)
Their façade is to always appear to be tough-minded, unyielding and unemotional to remain in control of others. But they will react to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others to maintain their façade.
They fail to recognize people as individuals and consequently demean, devalue and dehumanize everybody that enters their lair of deceit.
They are very aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, MEAN, and will punish anybody that wounds their delicate ego. They will divert to their defensive mode and will rip you apart with their rage and disgusting mouth. They think nothing of physically making fun of somebody to empower themselves and this makes them feel like they are in control.
They will vocalize regret for their actions, but it is for ‘show’ and only for a short period of time. They will soon rationalize it away with blame, shame, project and basically dumping it all down our throat as being the problem and not them.
In some cases, they present themselves as ALWAYS being the sexiest, best looking and they will tell you how this person and that one checked them out and ‘wanted’ them. Their appearance is important, so primping in every mirror, and fastidiousness is common ground for them.
They talk in such inappropriate ways and believe that they are above reproach and we actually want to hear their perverse words or listen to their descriptive dialogue about their out-of-control lifestyle.
They will rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top by negating praise that is appropriated to someone else.
They will steal your idea, your plan, your wisdom and EVEN your life and make it their own. They will fake their credentials, re-write history, name drop, lie on their resume or about their credentials – anything to get what they want without earning it the correct way.
They can create destructive chaos in any organization or business environment and cause dissention among the people that work there. This includes volunteer situations, church organization or virtually any group setting that they join.
This is a PARTIAL list of how they successfully make their ‘crazy making’ an operative agenda in every situation. Their abuse is never confined to just relationships they abuse every person and or situation that they are a participant. Their abuse is all too familiar to their families, biological children, friendships, co-workers, and organizations they are involved in. Unfortunately, the closer you are to them the more apparent their abuse becomes. They charm their way into everybody’s lives and ALWAYS harm them. I coined the phrase from “charm to harm.” Allowing a Narcissist into your life is a train wreck waiting to happen. You must avoid them like the plague because their crazy making is really psychological abuse that severely damages people, their careers, and their whole life. No/minimal contact is the only anecdote to their destruction and poison! You CAN’T allow them into any aspect of your life! Lock them out of your heart and mind! Greg