We MUST always remember that there is no ‘reaching’ a Narcissist by trying harder, hoping to make things right, attempting to fix the situation, or achieving any type of cohesive relationship with them.
Narcissists WILL consistently manage their victims down through many methods to CONDITION and CONTROL them that includes turning that CHARM back on to manipulate us right back into their chaos. Nobody ever escapes the TRUE agenda of a Narcissist that always includes devaluation and being discarded – or ABUSE!
Think about the many thoughts that have gone through your head like, “if only he/she weren’t so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous “if only this or that’s.” How about this – the person you were with is not a fully functional human being and a predator that meant to destroy you through dehumanizing and abusing you. There or no ‘ifs’ in that reality – just facts that THEY are the problem, and THEY do not want to change, and THEY do not want a real relationship, and they definitely do not want love or to even care about anyone – they want an object and to control you to get what they can.
If you think you can help the Narcissist to see the truth about themselves or the way they treated you in the relationship in order to get them to change, you are only in denial because there is no reality to them ONLY NEEDS. Even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in the Narcissist’s mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of YOUR ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE – it is THEIR working mechanism because you are ONLY and object. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you because they feel deserving of anything and everything they want – without reciprocating in the smallest way. When they cheat on you it is because you deserve it for not meeting their every need – and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, or that YOU better never do the same thing to them. The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! So how do we fix any of that – we DON’T.
The Narcissist sets this all-in motion through CONDITIONING people with subtle to extreme manipulation – both positive and negative. The Narcissist uses devaluation on their target/victim for the sole reason to keep them confused, emotionally trapped, and off balance to constantly CONTROL them. BUT the Narcissist will also throw them that little bit of hope once again to keep them hanging on and making the victim constantly try harder to bring the relationship back to a cohesive place where it once was. Remember the biggest manipulation was the fake love they conned us into believing was real – as well as that little bit of charm they throw out there. It is a diabolical manipulation of the target/victim’s emotional/psychological well-being. This constantly keeps the target/victim off balance and stuck in their own mind and heart trying to resolve what can NEVER be resolved and THAT was the Narcissist’s goal. This emotional manipulation diminishes the target/victim and keeps them in a constant state of disparity trying to find solutions and answers where there are NONE. There never was a relationship and there never will be with a Narcissist. No/minimal contact to break this cycle of abuse.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this.
Greg Zaffuto – Author – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist