A Narcissist does not have any internal or normal functioning mechanisms – simply put they have totally disconnected from internalized feelings. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond with other human beings. They have disassociated from anything internal that actually defines them because even they realize that it is faulty and they need other mechanisms to function in a real world!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
How does a person with normal empathy wrap their head around a Narcissist? They don’t with any sense of normalcy. What words are appropriate – did we love a person or did we love a Narcissist? Now ask yourself to completely justify your choice and it is troubling. Your mind is or was constantly turning in a vicious circle of trying to believe that they were real as they brain-washed you into believing in them with their extreme charm or ‘love bombing,’ but then questioning their accountability also came into play because so much conflict came into question as well that harmed you along the way. This conflict is beyond confusing to deal with because you are a person that only KNOWS love and practices empathy so you are left trying to find some avenue of goodness in them (the Narcissist) to reconcile this even when you were faced with some ugly truths. You are adept at normal reasoning but this Narcissist is very shrewd at their manipulation techniques as well as a vast arsenal of tools they use to achieve their agenda.
Often, we hear that a Narcissist just does not care and THAT becomes such a confusing point of contention with us! Just what does that mean – how can another person possess such a void that they have absolutely no ability to care for another human being? How can another human being be so deceitful to take us down such a road of deceit that basically destroys another human being? Well it means that a Narcissist does not have the internal and normal functioning mechanisms required to feel the reality of real the harm that they cause to the people that love them – simply put they have totally disconnected from internalized feelings. Their whole being is a working mechanism (or a façade) and it lacks all empathy, emotion and the ability to bond with other human beings – they have disassociated from anything internal that actually defines them because even they realize that it is faulty and they need other mechanisms to function in a real world!
They are personality disordered and WE on the other hand are normal and can logically differentiate what caring is as well as what hurt feels like because we do possess empathy, emotion, and the ability to bond and love. A Narcissist just cannot understand this and they wonder what goes on in our mind and why we make such a fuss about their lifeless emotions – they don’t know what we know, or feel what we feel – if you don’t know it you can’t feel it. You can logically understand that a Narcissist does not possess the ability to care but you cannot understand or put yourself in the position to actually feel what it is like to be totally void of that ability to care so you CANNOT wrap your head around it at all. You should not make ANY attempts to understand them because it is a dead end because they will not change because they do not see themselves as having the problem. AGAIN, they are personality disordered and lack emotions and feelings and only know how to take what they want from life because the only thing in life that matters are THEIR needs and themselves!
Your normal emotions will ALWAYS trump any understanding that a person could be so void of life, emotions, care, and love. We CANNOT know what makes a Narcissist tick – but we can believe from our experience with them that it is a non-functioning, destructive, and a desperate relationship. We MUST get out of TRYING to understand a Narcissist and just accept the truth around the fact they are disordered, and dangerous to our well-being. You cannot fix them, heal them, get back at them, or expect them to come to your aid in any other manner than with more manipulation and abuse. There is no closure that exists within the realm of the Narcissist as far as it concerns getting any sort of validation of the destruction and pain they caused to your life. You NEED to totally understand the truth to move on and recover – you need to do this so you concentrate on yourself and healing to move forward!
Since it is not within our realm of understanding it keeps us continually wrapped up in a maze of self-doubt, questioning, justifications, AND EVEN BLAMING OURSELVES. The truth is that the ‘love bombing’ as amazing and reinforcing as it was to us is no less destructive than the devaluation process or the discard because it was the force behind the Narcissists agenda to gain our trust and seduce us into the cycle of this abuse. The road to recovery REQUIRES a crash course about this abuse so we get our REAL ‘ah ha’ moment about the reality of our situation. Even with the truth in mind our emotions will have to be dealt with in a grieving process to move forward because the situation was purely diabolical within the manner that we were conned and basically we loved this person. Unfortunately, the emotional aspect (love) of this abuse does not go away even with our ‘ah ha’ moment and THAT is what keeps us locked up in the justifications and trying to fix what we were basically ‘blamed and shamed’ into believing that we destroyed. You have to fight those emotions every day until that bond with them is broken because the reality is that you did not lose any form of real love, instead you have luckily broken an abusive connection that will literally save your emotional and psychological well-being. They are like ticks that attach themselves to our skin sucking our blood or our very life force! If and when you try to remove them their head stays lodged in your skin causing great damage because their infectious poison remains inside of you. Without treatment you can suffer for the remainder of your life.
Narcissists have absolutely no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. It is actually perceived as a threat because a Narcissist objectifies all of his/her targets/victims. Significant others in the Narcissist’s life have very clear roles and that is for the Narcissist to harvest supply, nothing less but definitely nothing more. Devaluation is a subtle process that starts from the very first day we start on our journey with them and throughout the entire life of the relationship because the Narcissist has an agenda. The Narcissist does NOT start this relationship believing we are the ‘love of their life,’ that would be akin to us believing that the over complimentary car salesperson loves us – no they are schmoozing us to get us to buy a new car because it profits them. It is all a mechanical process just like with the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and to profit from the relationship with us.
They are amazingly good at what they do or the lies that they create and their amazing but fake charm and facade! Think of the Narcissist as ‘The Pied Piper” that mesmerizes anybody that listens to his/her flute – and there are so MANY different and seductive tunes that trap most anybody. For example, you may believe that this Narcissist is exclusively yours but he/she has many other relationships going on even though they are pretending they are in a committed relationship with you. By compartmentalizing people, events, and actions with all of their secrets nobody is ever the wiser! They keep their dirty secrets hidden from the real world AND should you ever catch onto their lies they will defend themselves with more lies to protect themselves as well as destroy your integrity! You can also believe that Narcissist is probably quoting scriptures, preaching about how bad the world has become, preaching morality, and bragging about what a good person they are too! But they are criticizing you and destroying your integrity behind your back while preaching on their pulpit to their many supporters that can’t see through the superficial charm – their agenda is to always divide. Conquer, and isolate. Oh, and yes they are looking for and securing new supply as they preach to everyone. Somebody always falls into their charm and lies because everything is an opportunity for them because they make it so!
Narcissists are just amoral with all of the crazy lies that are solely based on the Narcissist getting what they want and it is just that simple. Of course, they need to support the ‘great façade’ first and foremost so they fit into our world or else they would be rejected within a minute of meeting them if people only knew about the darkness inside of these creatures! Narcissists are here and walking among us to TAKE or better yet extort what they can from every aspect of life through manipulating the greatest resource – PEOPLE. The emotional attachments we form with these critters are formed from the very lies that this Narcissist uses to drag us into their world! Lying to us about how much they love us is just what they do to get the game going. What a bizarre phenomenon to have to accept as a reality, or having to believe that another human being can con you into loving them so completely just so they can extort what they can from you and probably the person that is standing right there and next to you too. BUT again, they are so good at it and so seamless with their lies that we feel so personally attached to this warm and loving LIAR!
They will marry for years, even start a family and seem like a strong family person (mother or father,) but what goes on behind this horrendous façade (and in private) is a lying, destructive, and raging creature that couldn’t care less about their spouse or family. They don’t care as long as they get exactly what they want! They lack any and all restraint when it comes to their needs as my Narcissist did and then turn it around and make light of their actions and even blame the ex-spouse or person they were with.
A Narcissist will make us their punching bag for their inadequacies through rages and attacks. Their aim is to force us into a co-dependent role and their possession to use at will, AND to gain control over us, our emotions and our life. We are not prized by them as an equal partner but taken for granted as long as we give them supply and even that is probably a bit too complementary as to them having ANY feelings for us even as supply because we are just a temporary connection. This is a dehumanizing partnership we have with them because we were only the NEXT object in a Narcissist’s long past of using and abusing people. It was just our turn because of an unfortunate twist of fate that landed us right in their web of lies and deceit, or a predator finding its prey.
Human beings are NOT objects or instruments to be used and to be regarded as such is dehumanizing and sadistic to say the least. Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose which is to fulfil their every need. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object like a washing machine to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudice in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE – it is whatever serves one of their many needs.
Again, WE MUST understand that this abuse is intentional and as much as it was such a personal part of us, it was purely the act of an emotionally, psychologically UNBALANCED, and deviant human being. It seems insurmountable to try to erase what was reality to us as nothing more than a Narcissist sourcing us out to provide themselves with what they only needed to survive. Why do they go through such lengths to do this and why do they also destroy good people? Well I would say because it works for them, it gives them power to control us to maintain their constant supply from us AND unfortunately they usually get away with it unscathed. What other reason would motivate a person to act out in this sadistic manner if it wasn’t tied to a predatory agenda?
Yes, this is how they are wired, no empathy, no emotions, and they CAN’T love – that is why this is labeled a personality disorder. But why do they destroy and damage good and unsuspecting people when it is bad enough that they extort them of their lives and love, yet alone have a knife to their back ready to destroy them at any given moment? WHY if they are getting what they so desperately need do they destroy a good thing then? BECAUSE they are not a fully functioning human being and cannot act on the same normal human premise to bond, care for, or love other human beings! So basically they are deviants, psycho bullies, emotional manipulators, users and abusers as well as destructive and dangerous so never stay a moment longer with them once you know the truth. Your sanity has been pushed to the point that you are so vulnerable and basically functioning after the time you have spent with this person. Is it worth losing any more of yourself to try to stay a moment longer and for what – to completely lose your sanity? Their truth is hidden behind so many layers of denial and lies, so if they can lie so easily to themselves to protect their damaged self they will most assuredly lie to us and about us to keep their dirty secrets hidden and take us down first! NO/MINIMAL CONTACT! Greg