Idealize, devalue, discard AND repeat again – but NEVER a real relationship, a bond, or LOVE! A Narcissist processes ALL people into objects or sources of supply!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
Each step makes sense once you grasp and embrace the profile of a Narcissist and how they cycle their targets into their agenda. Biologically they are a human being, but they live for the pleasure of controlling and harming others to get what they want. This is a fact however we want to describe it clinically or otherwise because they cannot internalize emotions, feelings, care, love or ANTHING because they just don’t bond with people at all – they use and abuse them! So Narcissists have to get their ‘kicks’ or their fix of Narcissistic happiness through externalization or through objectifying people and TAKING what they want and moving on to the next shiny object that they are attracted to. Understanding what they are and accepting it as reality doesn’t mean that we have ANY lack of empathy for a human being that has a personality disorder – it just means that they ARE WHAT THEY ARE and they will cause a vast amount of emotional and psychological destruction to everyone and anyone that has any type of relationship with them and THAT has to be our focus so we move on and away from them because we cannot fix or heal them. We can’t dismiss the destructive nature of a Narcissist. So here is what it is all about!
The steps of a toxic relationship with a Narcissist or how they take us from CHARM to HARM:
IDEALIZE – this is like the honey moon phase with the Narcissist but in reality, it is not YOU that is being ‘idealized’ but instead whatever the Narcissist wanted from you and only for however long he/she wants it – WE ARE JUST AN OBJECT TO THEM and nothing more. They CHARM us with amazing articulation and that is the vehicle that drives us to believe in the Narcissist, even trust them and unfortunately love them. Narcissists do an assessment of their romantic partners (their next victim) — during this assessment phase the Narcissist interacts very closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask intimate questions, to discover our unfulfilled needs and weaknesses. They will also lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever has been missing from their lives. If you’re recovering from a recent break up or divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. Whatever superficial bond they can create to completely win you over and gain your trust.
DEVALUE – once the Narcissist has manipulated you into their lair of lies and deceit, they manage their victim down into the depths of their pathology. Like a malignancy entering into their victim’s body they attack and erode their self-esteem, individuality and basically erase your personality. They will also demean, debase and destroy your spirit and extract whatever they want, need and desire or take complete control of your life. THEN the boredom sets in and the Narcissist loses interest and they need more and newer supply like a drug addict that needs their drug of choice, so their life is lived in an ‘out-of-control’ manner where they are seeking out whomever or whatever they can to maintain their addiction and ‘high’, but always maintaining that steady source of supply from us AND again that extra supply on the side. What we believe in, that is so personal and intimate to us is nothing more than our turn with the Narcissist as supply.
DISCARD – after the Narcissist has gotten everything he/she wanted from you and has probably secured other new targets for supply, they move on without a care. We were ONLY a COMPONENT in what was an agenda of a disordered Narcissist seeking out to extort supply from us and anybody else. This is just day to day business with a Narcissist seeking out or better yet exploiting and extorting people and life. People are expendable and interchangeable to them BUT people are a resource the Narcissist NEEDS to survive and we are replaced quite readily. Unfortunately, we BELIEVED in them and are left with this to sort out as well as the trauma from the abuse.
For any victim/target, this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you so much time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem, your career or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to this relationship. It may have become your entire life, even having a family with a Narcissist. For the Narcissist however, the whole process isn’t really personal AT ALL but instead a function! The Narcissist WILL do the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him/her into their intimate life. We are all reduced to and considered OBJECTS and possible supply. Life is a department store where the Narcissist shops for the SPECIFIC supply they desire – but they would be more aptly described as “shoplifters” because they feel completely entitled to take whatever they desire AND when they desire it! We were NEVER alone in this relationship or exclusive.
They will consistently repeat this cycle of abuse with everyone they seduce into their lair of manipulation, lies, and betrayal. It’s not about you or me, and it is not about the other people involved who are new/extra supply, the many partners they were with sexually, the minions the Narcissist employ in their game and set against you, or the many ‘others” the Narcissist used to make you compete and/or jealous – all of this is supply to validate the Narcissist’s ego, to give him/her pleasure, to meet his/her fickle needs. No supply means anything more or less than any other supply.
Remember the Narcissist was never with new/extra supply because they are/were better or superior to you. The Narcissist was with them for the same reason that he/she was with you or me – to extort and use them, perhaps for different purposes than the Narcissist used you, but with the same devastating effect – abuse. The Narcissist will invariably treat others in a very similar way to how he/she treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard is the Narcissist utilizing and processing its target/victim into what we believe is a ‘relationship’ to secure or harvest supply – then move on to the next. It was/ is and will always be only about the Narcissist’s need to extort people and life. Our abuse is the direct outcome of the Narcissist processing us (idealize, devalue and discard). They win us over with their pathological seduction to control us and USE US to satisfy all their needs for as long as you stay with the Narcissist. WE ARE ALL SUPPLY AND TEMPORARY – or we ALL have an expiration date.
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well this is what makes up the components of the abuse as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are.
The obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and ‘longer term supply.” Perhaps they do it because they can’t get close enough to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature – SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a steady source around. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder – and it is how they are wired! Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM!
All of this depends upon what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order OR respectability, a façade or diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her perverse nature and appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, you’ll be discarded as soon as you no longer serve his/her needs.
Narcissists do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and boy it hurts when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, abused, etc. AGAIN – when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person PERIOD.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to somebody that HAD empathy, so that makes their bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had that they wanted – supply. But when their goal is actually you/us – then their pursuit feels very REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making.
It is still operative abuse and they are very aware of what they do and will lie to protect themselves. Awareness is a big coefficient here and that shouts out the very truth that they have the ability to understand that what they do is horrendous and wrong, BUT yet they will not change or admit to their disorder because is serves them.
They create many theatric roles to cover every possible range to get supply. My point here is that they can also be highly “respectable individuals” in any facet of life like a therapist, judge, law enforcement personnel, a doctor, preacher, or just about anything. They will most assuredly use ANY power and authority they have to create intimidation, distance, admiration, respect and even abuse. They might even be that bad boy or girl that has many tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, fancy cars, brash and loud, etc. Then again, they can also be the lovable and huggable ‘big ole teddy bear’ type of person full of hugs and kisses. They are just everywhere because their ‘false mask and persona’ is what we see first and not the personality disorder.
This is what makes it so hard to discover the reality of just how disordered they are especially at first glance. A Narcissist will actually believe they are the persona or character they are displaying and they morph right into it. They are just that good at mimicking life and situations to create any scenario to harvest what they need to extort from life and people. This is very scary because most people just don’t see this and get taken in and destroyed.
Temporarily we represent that ‘OBJECT’ of their desire, the answer to their needs (for now), the love of their life and the key to their happiness. Remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy so they play pretend in such a pathological manner that it can be impossible to see until it is too late. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s empty to the core, they are COMPLETELY empty – a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts – and supply is their drug so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. Remember, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return – this is a one-way street. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of it and have needs AND they will destroy our integrity to avoid exposure of the truth of who and what they are. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner – instead they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that unequivocally states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire until they are done with US. No/minimal contact to stop the chaos and the abuse! You deserve respect, dignity and love because you are an amazing human being – NEVER forget this or let it get lost in the destructive messages the Narcissist has planted in your mind and heart! Discard them completely from your life, mind, and heart. Greg