So where did the love go? There never was any to ‘go’ anywhere because there wasn’t a real person there with us!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
So where did that ‘love’ go? Until the fact sinks in that the Narcissist’s time with you/us or anybody else is NEVER a ‘relationship’ but instead more of a pathological parasite feeding off of you/us, you just won’t “get” that you are really dealing with a personality disordered Narcissist. You will keep acting on the premise that the Narcissist has some feelings ‘JUST’ for you, or some sort of conscience, morals, ‘cares for’ or even loves you – and that premise couldn’t be further from the truth. It NEVER makes sense to you, so you keep blaming yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to do as if everything is your fault. You are always wondering whether it is you, OR it is YOU that has temporarily lost your ability to relate NORMALLY in your relationship, or better yet you are crazy like your Narcissist is telling you. NO, no, no, no, no, no – it is the Narcissist that is crazy or clinically has the ‘personality disorder’. Well it is classified as a personality disorder but still in all it is CRAZY behavior or better yet dehumanizing, demeaning, debasing, and destructive behavior to make you think YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Control is power to an abuser so whether you are attacked physically with a fist or attacked mentally with hideous, destructive and manipulating words, it is abuse from a disordered person, one that is not a fully functioning human being that lacks total empathy and love for their fellow man/womankind. You don’t intentionally CONTROL, harm, hurt, or destroy any creature on this planet for ANY REASON and these creatures do it every waking moment of their lives.
Here are some of the tactics that the pathological Narcissist uses to control you, confuse you, make you believe you are crazy and of course to hurt you and take you down and keep you there.
Attacking your EMOTIONS at every possible level they can! The abusing (Narcissist) plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or whatever they can to push your “buttons” to get what they want – again this could be negative or positive or a range of “I love you” to “I hate you.” It is control pure and simple!
The Narcissist can and will even go so far as always threatening “your basic security” with them which could include ending the relationship if you do not conform, dating other people, affairs, silencing or use other controlling fear tactics. They are trying to drive the point home that this is all YOU as in having the real problem and YOU NEED TO CHANGE – but there is nothing you can do to please them.
They are very unpredictable with their day to day responses, be it drastic mood changes or their sudden and out of the blue emotional outbursts or even rage. They will react in an inconsistent manner or differently at different times to the same behavior from you the ‘stable or normal partner.’ They will tell you one thing one day and the direct opposite the next or perhaps they like something you do one day and hate it the next. You are purposely put here and in a state of constant confusion OR abused with unpredictable responses and made to feel crazy trying to relate to the pathological and purposeful inconsistency (chaos and gas-lighting) and always feeling you have to explain yourself.
This behavior is damaging and it puts you on edge or walking on “eggshells.” You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You become hyper vigilant, sensitive, confused and controlled ALWAYS waiting for the next outburst or change of mood – YOU DON’T EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO, SAY, OR HOW TO ACT so you constantly stay in this state of confusion and basically exist as a shell of the person you once were or the one that HAD a real personality, as well as loved and lived a normal, fun and loving existence. They take that and play with it, manipulate it, destroy it and alter you so what is left isn’t a person, it is a prisoner of their control and abuse.
They will verbally assault you to exert their power to gain the MOST CONTROL they can over you. Be it making fun of you, belittling you, criticizing you, name calling, screaming at you, threatening, constant and excessive blaming, making you the brunt of their delusional and perverted humor using sarcasm and humiliation. ALL OF THIS is done CONSISTENTLY in an effort to erode your sense of self confidence and self-worth. The Narcissist wants to control your every action and dominate you and make you solely dependent on them. They have to have their own way, and will resort to whatever works, even threats to control their targets/victims.
Unreasonable expectations and demands are put onto you so you feel like you have to ALWAYS put YOUR needs aside to tend to their needs and you always feel incomplete with your own PERSONAL needs as well as participation/interactions in this relationship or connection to them be it love, friendship, co-worker, family, etc. Somewhere you have gotten totally LOST in all of this. You are basically TOLD or manipulated into what you must be or else you are wrong and every interaction with them will fall apart, so you just give in. But no matter how much you give it’s never enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don’t fulfill all of this person’s needs and AGAIN you could NEVER fulfil the Narcissists needs.
Living with someone like this is tremendously destructive to your psyche, self-worth, emotional stability, and anxiety provoking causing you to constantly feel confused, frightened, unsettled and off balance. THIS IS WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE IS! The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity which again makes you begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind (again gas-lighting.) Narcissists are always making you reflect upon your weaknesses (real and imagined) and pointing them out and as well as making you believe you are losing your mental capacity or you have many issues that need fixed and all in an effort to take you down as low as they can. This is dehumanization, sadistic, and shrewd manipulation that a Narcissist uses to win this war they have with people and life. It is like being in a maze that constantly shifts and changes and you just keep wandering around looking for that door that takes you out and back to a peaceful reality – you will never find it until you kick those walls down and get out of the endless maze of abuse!
A Narcissist doesn’t acknowledge individuality or even like other people (remember we are just objects to use.) Along with this premise the Narcissist doesn’t care about being liked – THEY DEMAND to be admired, feared, and favored, (as well as completely extorting their targets to get supply.) They don’t care about getting along with people, and a Narcissist is no more capable of considering the consequences of their actions than a rock would. There is no consideration for anybody or anything with a Narcissist and nothing is ever about what they manipulate you into believing instead it is always all about their omnipotence, superiority or ego instead or their fake façade. They HAVE to exploit EVERY single interaction with us to gratify THEIR needy ego at your ego’s expense or even DESTRUCTION. There’s no end to it. It’s exasperating and you never get through that brick wall a Narcissist throws up in front of you constantly, so always remember how much time you have tried to break down barriers to “fix” things. Everything would just bounce back to you as more blame and shame from the Narcissist. It was a relationship that was meant to deny you every bit of gratification and instead the Narcissist was always ‘taking’ every bit of gratification (supply) they could for their vast needy void.
This is the reality with a Malignant Narcissist be it a wife, husband, partner, brother, sister, friend, mother, father or whomever. There is and never was ANY type of a real relationship, just time lost with a disordered, destructive, and abusive person and great loss. There is no closure to this abuse because there is no real person so we only have the sad truth to embrace to start us out on a realistic path of recovery AND yes heal and join life again. An interaction with a Narcissist is ALWAYS damaging and destructive to people – that is why we are all here sharing to educate and help resolve these issues with all targets.
A little personal example to shed a little more light on how they reach into every aspect of your life to manage you down completely. A while back I was talking to a friend that knew my Narcissist. My friend was curious about the abuse and my best answer to my friend was that what this Narcissist had done to me was just too incredulous and hideous and I just couldn’t explain it in terms that didn’t make me out to sound like I was crazy or making this up. My friend replied, I understand because your Narcissist came over to our house out of the blue putting you down and making you out to be a monster. My friend knew better because we were good friends for many years prior to this. People just don’t drop over out of the blue to backstab the person that they are in a relationship with. But a Narcissist’s world is so convoluted that this is common practice for them with their preemptive attacks to back-stab the good and loving people in their life to destroy their integrity. Why? Because they ENVY and hate that we have a real spirit that loves life and people AND people and life LOVE US BACK, so they have to triangulate or divide and conquer to spread the poison and destruction to bring us to their darkness.
No Contact – shut these monsters and their vermin minions out of your life so you can live again because there is no reality living with them only destruction! Water always finds its level – and these creatures do meet up with their karma just by the process of intentionally hurting so many people (and family) and everybody just avoids them completely. You may not always see it like a huge lit up billboard that says, “This Narcissist met their karma,” but look under a few rocks and you will find them there alone and in the darkness that they only created for themselves! No/minimum contact because you are an amazing person that deserves your good life back! Greg