PART 2 from yesterday’s post: Any conversation or interaction with a Narcissist is like a ‘hit and run’ accident – you are left in shock, dazed, damaged and trying to figure out what just happened!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com
It is YOUR fault no matter what, and you DIDN’T do anything to deserve this treatment. BUT you are to ACCEPT their every deception or else they will find somebody else to serve them (tactical abuse for sure!) They have an arsenal of tools to divert from accepting any responsibility for their actions that includes blaming you always and raging at you for daring to question their right to complete freedom (unfortunately you don’t actually know this is a ploy for them to achieve that freedom!) Normally they just lie to cover up their perverted world but on the other hand the Narcissist has a strict set of rules that you must follow and that includes your COMPLETE dedication to them, and you must NEVER betray them as they do to you. You ARE the normal one here that has integrity, morality, empathy and love. That defines you and you don’t need any rules to follow because all of this comes naturally to you. The Narcissists erodes these rules and wants you to believe that you are the very opposite of your valuable belief system!
They simply bait you with many conversations in an effort to constantly manage you down and keep you confused. Just with a normal conversation it almost seems like they are testing you or even mocking you. They are gauging your reactions to see just how far they can push you. They want you to react emotionally and after they bait you to get a reaction they will tell you to calm down, or say you are overreacting and make you internalize their disappointment with you. They want the upper hand always to feel in control so the whole point of this is to get you unhinged and they can and will get down and dirty to achieve this. Conversations are always a competition with them just like everything else with a Narcissist. Think of it like this, it is like the Narcissist purposely punches you in the face and then gets angry at YOU for reacting to that punch!
They will use actions as well to drive their point home with you. Suddenly they are not paying attention to you, or they are very eager to get you off of the phone. They will cancel a plan or just disappear without an explanation – basically isolating you and silencing you for no apparent reason. This pulls you RIGHT BACK IN and when they return you calmly confront their actions and receive a resounding “I’m SICK of always arguing with you – WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” Well you never started an argument in the first place, you were only reacting in a manner to create some sort of cohesive understanding AND peace, but the Narcissist homes in on your confusion (and reactions) and labels them as arguments. They have successfully manipulated you right into their game to make you believe that YOU are to blame and a defective person. They will more than likely verbalize this to you as well!
So how do they do this? Let’s use the example that they cheated on you or they are just being cruel to you. They won’t directly address the truth or reality of the situation but instead they will bring up something totally unrelated from the past that YOU have done wrong. It is sort of like a comparison to divert from their horrible actions and basically justify what they have done. It is their way of keeping score, but they are always the winners because they are the scorekeeper. Perhaps you sincerely admitted to something you had done wrong in your past and you shared it. They will hold you hostage to this and accountable to whatever it was YOU did (even if it didn’t concern them) and then whatever they did really isn’t all that bad compared to your actions. So, don’t you even DARE to hold them accountable or complain about what they did because they are going to bring up your indiscretion from the past! This is not normal resolution this is deceptive manipulation on their part to shore up their lies and actions and DIVERSION.
Again, all of this is done in an effort to put YOU on the defensive to avert all responsibility and accountability. In any situation where they are threatened by exposure of the reality of what they are because the Narcissist has to SHAME you in a manner to stay in control. They have no shame for their actions though and I mean NONE whatsoever. They only transfer their defective qualities onto and into you and basically create strong labels that they attach to you that justify WHY they do what they do. This is really projection. They are transferring their own flaws onto you as well as seeking a reaction that basically confuses or confounds you to drive the point home. They HAVE to respond because they can’t just sit there and allow and accountability or blatant attacks ON THEM because they do NO WRONG! They HAVE to force you into submission so you internalize their attacks as the reality of who you are OR who they want you to believe you are. You are not any of this!
You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five-year-old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five-year-old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.
Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be re-hashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to reengage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms and that basically involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist, the exact same issues will come up over and over again!
Unfortunately, we can end up feeling bad for them, even when they have done something so horrendous to us and stay locked up in the cycle of returning to them. We sort of see it as the ‘in’ or opportunity to bond with them because we believe there is something complex about them that our love can fix, because they DO love us, don’t they? Once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere, everything will go back to the way it was. There is never a deep relationship or deep bond with them whatsoever, nor will there ever be one because they are not fully functioning human beings and abusive to the people that love them. A Narcissist cannot love an ‘individual’ because they can’t tolerate individuality. We can’t be anything but what we are and that is an ‘individual’ so there was never anything but the reality of our eventual discard. It threatens their omnipotence or better yet exposing the truth once we realize the relationship is one sided when our real needs are constantly ignored. This is when we actualize the truth that this isn’t love and in the end you are left with nothing!
A Narcissist’s actions never match up with their words. Seriously they divert with excuses and constant blame. Basically, it’s a conversation straight from hell. They aren’t actually saying anything at all and instead they are just talking at you. Before you can even respond to one of their crazy or outrageous statements, they’re already on to the next and the next AND THE NEXT. What can you do? Disengage before any more damage is done or go completely insane. They NEVER follow through with any of their ‘original’ promises or the love they proclaimed was real with us because they are flamboyant con artists and they only extort what they can from our lives, our emotions and our psychological well-being.
We live with so much disappointment that what we feel is only relief when they do something decent even as small as it is, and this is what they have conditioned us into accepting. There is no decency in their actions, everything is done in a manner to serve an agenda where they are ALWAYS on the receiving end. A narcissist conditions you to become grateful for their presence in your life and they do NOT reciprocate or appreciate you as a person, you are a servant to them or supply and they have many servants! You pay dearly for every small gesture with your life. Once they have depleted everything they can, they are through with you and will throw you in the garbage heap without a care or thought to what they have done They will make sure that your integrity is also thrown into the garbage heap when they smear you in the end! These are delusional and destructive creatures and we must internalize this and make this our new reality as far as it concerns them AND most importantly get completely away from them and NEVER try to relate to their world! They will just create a new world for themselves and ABUSE again. In this new world, their past doesn’t have the opportunity to catch up with the present BUT it (their destructive past) is there looking over their shoulder and one day it WILL catch up to the Narcissist! No/minimum contact to end the madness and the abuse! Greg